This is an artist’s rendering of the result of a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and April. The child appears to have a 14 head, crippled up fingers, a spray tan, and a frightening toy bear who loves sweets. Billy Wizard is a skinny old man drawing who has a dog who has laser eyes. April is a regular human female whom I do not know. The bear is stuffed with fiberglass. The child is a show stopper.
Tags: Bear, billy wizard, Bixby, child abuse, knees, Toastmaster
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Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler? Yeah me too. It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys. That’s pretty much all I remember about that cartoon. It’s more that I can remember about that movie. I was never into wrestling except for in the 80s’s. I think it was because my Mom hated it that I wanted to watch it. I think every kid goes through that where you want to be into something if your mom hates it. It’s weird though because she hated Michael Jackson and I also hated Michael Jackson. My sister had one of those red thriller jackets though. That was kind of cool and funny all at once. I wish she knew how to breakdance really good. Then we could have had all these crazy picture of at her dance recitals doing that turtle spin or whatever those poppers and lockers can do. I hated Michael Jackson so much.
One day there was practically a riot in 3rd grade. Some of the kids were on the Joan Jett “I love Rock and Roll” team and then the others were on the Michael Jackson “Beat It” team. We had a record player in class and everyone was scratching records and switching then and yelling. Then I remember running up to the blackboard and tearing this girl’s Michael Jackson poster down. I guess it was a pretty expensive poster. It’s kind of scary what parents can get their kids to believe.
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Tags: Andre the Giant, Bixby, Entertainment_Culture, Goldberg, Jim Duggan, Michael Jackson, Mr. Magoo, The Rock, The Stranger, They Live, Toastmaster, wrestler
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Who invented Skittles? It’s a simple question with many answers. An internet search would lead you to believe they were created by ether Paul Michaels and Rick Walden. Further digging proves that Paul Michaels is the current Global CEO of Mars, Inc, and Rick Walden is supposedly a worker at Mars, Inc.
Neither answer is satisfactory since Skittles “were first made commercially in 1974 by a European company.” It wasn’t until 1979 that Mars Inc, became involved with the rainbow flavored candy when they began importing it into the United States. The candy does not have American origins.
Another unlikely source states that skittles were invented by “a tiney little skittle man that actually came here from Jupitar.” Although humorous, the grammar alone discredits the candy’s alien origins.
So where do Skittles come from? Let’s start with the most credible source, Mars North America.
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Tags: fake as fuck, Flavio Skitelle, Flavio's Candy, invention, Mars, Skitteles, Skittles, Taste the rainbow, Tiney Skittle man from jupitar, who invented skittles
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It’s not every day that you get the chance to interview a werewolf. One of the benefits of a site like EMToast is that you have an opportunity to meet mythical creatures right in the comments section. Please enjoy my interview with Alex aka Decronis and learn what it’s like to be a werewolf in 2010.
Decronis: wanna see real were (wolf) just, piss me off and you well see one
EMToast: I well? Fuck you!!! Now change.
Decronis: sometimes we run on two legs some times four sometimes five if u catch my drift
Decronis: all of u are fake. im the eighteen son of the devil my name is decronis my birth name is alex veleteriz im a werewolf and i hate it its not a blessing it a punishment killing the ones u love for food pains me. i wish i could die but i cant. i used to live in aurora its a different dimension. earth is just a feeding ground for us. my dad a.k.a devil as u guys call him took over a mans life and got a girl pregnant when i was born i was taken away from my mother to live in aurora were i was trained to become the perfect killer a werewolf. when i was four i was returned home to my mother but she did not no me so i was taken to a orphanage soon kids were missing cuz i needed to eat an thats all im gonna tell u guys for now
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Tags: Aurora, banshee, Decronis, Devil, dragon, Hell, Orphans, teenage werewolf, Toastmaster, vampire, vampires, werewolf, werewolf sighting, Werewolves
4 Comments »
Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises. They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you have to get up for work.
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Tags: Bixby, Blood, Head Chopping, Horror, Loud Noise, Old Man, Sharp Stick, Snot, Teeth, Toastmaster
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As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days. The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them. I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch. And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy.
At my first job, I worked with this guy who drove a powder blue ford escort. He was the kind of guy who played football, but only because his Dad made him. The kind of guy who would after work open his car door, sit down with his legs hanging out of the car and take his boots off while saying “man my dogs are barking tonight” He was practically another Fonz.
When a Fonzie gives you advice, you listen. According to Fonzie, you can never trust a woman.
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Tags: Bixby, blow job, cassette, Fonzie, giant head, Neil Diamond, The Fonz, Toastmaster
4 Comments »
Never make a wish. Doctors at the Northeast Center for Brain Injury and Coma Research have released a shocking new study. 99% of coma victims are wish recipients. Studies done over the past 12 years on coma victims who have awakened show they had all made a wish within hours of becoming comatose. Even patients whose comas were attributed to near fatal accidents have admitted to trying to “wish their way out of harm’s way.”
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Tags: Coma, Herpes, Toastmaste, turtle, wish
5 Comments »
How young is too young? To these infant body builders affectionately known as “baby builders” it is never too early to start.
Immediately after birth, their parents have made the choice to take extreme measures to push their babies to the limit of human muscle development.
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Tags: baby builders, body building, sad kids, Toastmaster
2 Comments »
A strange creature dubbed the “bear yeti” has baffled Alaskan scientists.
The animal was trapped by a group of ice fishermen after locals reported spotting what they thought was a polar bear.
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Tags: bigfoot, sasquach, Toastmaster, yeti
4 Comments »
Pants on the ground is a life changing song it helps young people not kill theyselves after seeing Avatar the most saddest movie of our generation, says Billy Wizard who demands retribution for the sins against his people. His retribution comes every weds in the mail and cashed it and says he just got back another teeny tiny piece of his soul from the crippled marine who tricked his people for the man he mostly drinks stuff he calls fire water that he makes in the garage and sometimes dogs get killed when they sneak in and drink it, he says it is because they avatars grown in test tubes yo got to has soooul to be able to drink it or you gonna die. He gives laser dog bong hits. Because he is a real dog and he guards Billy Wizard’s shit from me. I think he thinks it will fix his poor broke down laser.
Tags: Avatar, billy wizard, Bixby, don't touch my shit, laser eyes, Pant on the ground
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