What is the Difference Between a City and a Town?
A man once asked me what is the difference between a city and a town? A city is bigger I...
Baptism Reversal Cures Cannibalism & Serial Killers
James Vanderbiek claims he has discovered the reset button for the human soul, and it’s not what you think. Most...
Department Store Santa’s Hurtful Words Scar Children
Department store Santa’s are known to victimize and terrorize children and adults alike. The classic image of a child crying...
Happy Thanksgiving!
Pocahontis 2010 with her free Shop Rite turkey. The 2nd Thanksgiving. Pilgrims vs Native Americans.
Get Your Shits Together
Don’t smoke no more. You gotta get your shits together.
I Guess I Could Be Friends With a Robot
(Click to play audio) Today I met a robot. He has a gun. He shoots the gun, but not at...
Filthy Humans With Horrible Faces
It’s a worldwide epidemic.
Help Stop Puppy Mills, Let the Puppies Die
Buying puppies from the petstore is wrong. You’ve got to just let them die. Buying them supports puppy mills. Don’t...
Zombie Marlon Marlon Brando Eats Unicorn
Artists rendering of the unreleased final scene from Apocalypse Now where a Zombie Marlon Brando eats a unicorn who simultaneously...
Sour Ear Blood Protects from High Pitch Damage
Evolution, the mysterious force responsible for transforming us from happy-go-lucky banana peeling tree climbers into misery infected cubicle crawling keyboard...
Happy Halloween 2010
HALLOWEEN WISHES FROM CATS THAT SPRAY SOUR EAR BLOOD FROM THEIR MOUTHS. MAY ALL YOUR CANDY BE FULL SIZE AND...
Paris Hilton Pregnant with Robot Baby
EMToast has obtained exclusive audio of Paris Hilton admitting to friends that she “thinks she is having a robot baby.”...
Paris Hilton Arrested for Kissing Monkey
EMToast has obtained exclusive audio of Paris Hilton admitting that she "made out with a monkey." (Click to play audio)...
Grampa and the Girl Goggle their Yoohoo FaceBox
Grampa: What are all these broccoli doing here? It’s not Christmas? The girl: Wha? What happened to Midnight? Grampa: He...
Alexander Hamilton Lives Up the Street from Me
Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from...
Jersey Shore: Meet the Original Bimbo
Before Snookie, The Situation or any of those other Jersey Shore bimbos hit the scene, the ORIGINAL Bimbo 3 Ring...
Gorilla Head
It was 3 am and this was the second time her bladder had awoken her that night. She lay there...
Mama’s Been So Fat, Since Daddy Learned to Fry
They say fried food is a killer. I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. (more…)
THINKING…That’s How People Get Killed
THINKING... that's how people get killed. A public service statement from EMToast. photo credit: Focal Intent
Heat Causes Horses to Foam at the Mouth
I like horses. They have shiny teeth. You can feed them sugar cubes. When it gets real hot they get...
You Blew Out My Fuckin’ Eye Drums
Sitting in the dark. Nice and relaxed. You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next...
Commenter Murdered by the Media?
In recent weeks EMToast has received a number of comments from a visitor by the name of Sickjunior. After visiting...
Nonsense is the New Making Sense at UC Berkeley
Nonsense is the new making sense. At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas...
I Saw an Ape on the Beach Today
This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation. I thought it was a joke...
If Billy Wizard and April Had a Baby
This is an artist's rendering of the result of a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and ...
The Wrestler Genie
Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler? Yeah me too. It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in...
It Come to Work
It wake up. (more…)
Who Invented the Skittles?
Who invented Skittles? It’s a simple question with many answers. An internet search would lead you to believe they were...
Interview with a Teenage Werewolf
It’s not every day that you get the chance to interview a werewolf. One of the benefits of a site...
Horror Movies, Control Your Volume
Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises. They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably put those...
“Throw away the Neil Diamond cassette and I’ll go down on you”
As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days. The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you...
Doctors Warn, Wishing Causes Coma
Never make a wish. Doctors at the Northeast Center for Brain Injury and Coma Research have released a shocking new...
Infant Body Builders: Limits Are For Adults
How young is too young? To these infant body builders affectionately known as “baby builders” it is never too early...
Black is the New Soylent Green
Pasta Tagliatelle is Black People!?! (more…)
I Think We Gave the Yeti Too Much Sugar
A strange creature dubbed the “bear yeti” has baffled Alaskan scientists. The animal was trapped by a group of ice...
Avatar Suicide Prevention with Billy Wizard
Pants on the ground is a life changing song it helps young people not kill theyselves after seeing Avatar the...
Jesus Saved Me… from Getting Kicked Out of Community College
Children's Literature is the last course I ever imagined I'd take. Yet there I was, analyzing Curious George in my...
Gamma Irradiated Old Man: A Tale of Arm Wrestling and Sleeping Next to Bears
On the old 1970’s Incredible Hulk TV show with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferigno, there was an episode where this...
‘Love Me Lincoln’ Newest VH1 Reality Show
‘ Recently re-Animated dead prez Abraham Lincoln is planning on jumping back in the spotlight this spring. In a recent...
UC Irvine Clinic Accused of Illegal Alien Embryo Transfer
A clinic operated by the University of California-Irvine may have been involved in illegal alien embryo transfer in 1998. Records...
Nice Shirt… Do They Make It In Men’s?
I know a guy who gets into a lot of fights, and nearly every story he tells about them contains...
Chinese Fire Drills Can’t Even Kill A Bitch
(The following excerpt is taken from Ben Franklin's personal diary) "Today Lodi popped into my head. Summer 1979 Lodi, running...
Children Choose Dinosaur Burn Up as Worst Fate
Some say the worst way to go is drowning. I beg to differ, as most kids will tell you...
Strange Figure Shakes the Giant Hand
I have a cool jacket with white spots on it.
Skeleton Back
You never come back from being a skeleton back.
Workplace Mystery #773: Sharing is Creepy
This lady that I work with comes to my deskish area and says, Oh hey I thought of you this...
Turkeyman: Curse of the Wereturkey
The wereturkey is an American beast, born in Plimoth, 1621 during the first Thanksgiving dinner. When Edward Winslow, leader of...
God and Baby Jesus
“Hi Dad” “Hi little guy”
