I Thought My Ghetto Blaster Was a Boom Box.
I grew in the ghetto of my town, but I never knew it until I read it in the paper...
Happy Final Birthday!
Whether you're sure someone is dying this year, or you just hope they are, be sure to wish them a...
Robots are from before my time.
I asked my friend’s father if he had any toy robots when he was a kid. He told me, “Robots...
I Drank Perfume From the Unicorn’s Horn
I unscrewed it and drank the perfume from the unicorn’s horn. I was a little kid, but I knew better. ...
Bears Are People Too
Taking a drive. Campfire.
Eat Pray Love
Tastes pulpy!
That Sun is a Reptile
That sun is a reptile and after this, he ain't never shinin' her way again. Art by: bixby
Three for a Quarter
You used to get 3 lives for 25 cents No continues And you liked it.
POLICE: Feral Cats Abduct and Rape Woman
Belgian tourist, Julio Prejean, witnessed the terrorizing occurrence while vacationing in Honolulu, Hawaii. Prejean told police, “It was a safe...
That’s the assistant Mayor
That’s the assistant mayor. The mayor has beige pants, the assistant mayor has white pants and sneakers
Lesson One: He Bleach His Self
In college, a professor asked the class why does the black community reject Michael Jackson? (This was before MJ died...
Portrait of My Dog as a French Serial Killer
My dog posed for a sketch. I placed him on interview. He is a French serial killer. French is the...
Happy Birthday Bleedin’ Baby Jesus!
Merry Christmas to all from your friends at EMToast.
I overheard some hipsters talking about VHS tapes
I overheard some hipsters talking at the flea market. The one hipster says to the other hipster , “One thing...
The Turkey’s Prayer: A Lord’s Prayer Adaptation with Permission from God
Our turkey who art in heaven, hollow be thy breast. Thy stuffing comeThy meats be done on plates as it...
I Hope You Don’t Have Too Many Nightmares
Instead of saying sweet dreams, I say "Good night. I hope you don't have too many nightmares." Instead of saying...
Two Drops To Guppy Heaven
Back then you could buy a tankful of feeder guppies for just a few cents. You could pick up an...
“Quick like a bunny.”
Klaus described in great detail how he was going to engineer a car that ran solely on blood, human...
“If I see her in the store, I’ll just yell RAPE! and run away”
On encountering old co-workers.
“I’ll kill the shit out of you”
In a non-threatening way.
Cold Eared Bunnies in Loaf Position
“The Air conditioning was cranked so high, I came home to cold eared bunnies in loaf position in August”
Mountains Like White Maggots
A modern day translation of Ernest Hemingway's short story Hills Like White Elephants Hill related Ebrol long valley and white....
The Mouths of My Children’s Bellies: One Woman’s Foray into the Territories of Ebay
The following transcript is the abridged version of an E-bay customer transaction gone wrong. This poor woman just wanted to...
“I did not know that in 2005 they found his body…”
I did not know that in 2005 they found his body in a Connecticut field with his throat slit. Charles...
Snowbow Warning of Emergency Alert Symptoms
Don't look directly into a snowbow or you will lose your vision forever and your eyes will glaze over white....
