Weekly Horrorscopical Preparations for the ’09
in 2009 ARIES: Everyone hates the boss at some time or another, but they can usually get by without call...
Year: 2008
Laser Powered Santa and His Monkey Robots’ Bloody Rampage
Sometimes you just have to take a chance on love. Next thing you know you're being attacked by laser santa...
Horrorscopes for the Week of Santa Please-Put-The-Robot-Back-In-Christmas Week
ARIES: Don’t count on getting shit for Christmas, Santa has had it with you. You know, you have been pretty...
Animatronic Santa Charged in Slayings of 267 Children Over 46 Years
1962 - a time of innocence. Americans were obsessed with the future and all the wonders it would bring. It...
Nike Air BS Raises Hopes of Profit for Nike In ’09
BEAVERTON, Ore. (Dec. 21, 2008) – NIKE, Inc. (NYSE: NKE) today announced that they are expecting profits in the 1st...
Christmas Madlibs: Rudolph the $%&@ Nosed Reindeer
In the spirit of Christmas, EMToast.com is proud to present you with the opportunity to fill in the blanks of...
Skeleton of Four Breasted Woman Discovered
Byram, NJ. Recent renovations of a section of Route 80 westbound have uncovered the remains of what archeologists believe to...
Mustache Cops
A friend of a friend of EMToast.com co-created and starred in this short film about those who wear mustaches and...
Horrorscopes for the Week of December 8th
ARIES- The less you say the more intelligent people will think you are, well the less chances you have you...
Singing Doctor Cures Insomnia And Other Tales
When you start a new job, some terrible things happen to your mind. You may find that you can no...
Mother Allegedly Commands Children “Kill Your Father!”
47 year old man was married to his 40 year old wife for almost 20 years and they have a...
Rapist Viciously Beaten By Victim’s Children During Attack
24 Year old horny young man went up to the roof of his building one night trying to peak at...
Workplace Mystery #208: The Money Changers
It happens every day. This phenomena, it comes without warning, without reason. People go to work, not to work but...
Better Never than Late Game Review-Guitar Hero Aerosmith
I wrote this tirade on this game tape a few months back and it was just lingering in Word Press...
Divorce Court: Abusive Husband Obsessively Sniffs Panties, Threatens To Run Wife Over With Truck
A 42 yr old truck driver and 40 a year old nurse have been married for 12 years and the...
67 Year Old Cheating Granny Chokes on “Meat Bun” and Dies
A 67 year old grandmother was having an affair with a 71 year old man. One morning she called him...
Group Hepsi vs Hep C
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hcaZyMDD7g Group Hepsi, commonly known as Hepsi, is a famous Turkish pop/R&B girl group. Hepatitis C (aka Hep C) is...
Horrorscopes for the Week of Turkey Holocaust #479
Aries: Your life has become as complicated as a Marble Madness diagram. The planetary alignment of Pluto and Uranus is...
The Pedo-Files: Exploring Inappropriate Relationships In Gaming
Subject: Dr. Light. Esteemed roboticist Dr. Thomas Light has long been under saucy scrutiny for his near obsessive creations of...
The True Meaning of Thanksgiving: King Kong vs Godzilla
If you were a kid in the 70’s or 80’s living in the NJ/NY area, you know the true meaning...
Truck Driver Hit By Sleep Deprived Woman, Body Parts Everywhere
A 53 year old truck driver ran out of gas on the highway. He parked the truck on the shoulder...
The Good Old Days of Spam
Spam has changed. It used to be a lot more fun. Messages about discount watches, and viagra, and 13 foot...
Sneezing Thief Needs Claritin-D
A man suspected someone broke into his house and called the police. The police showed up and searched the whole...
Thanksgiving Day Blessing Madlibs
photo credit: eye of einstein Coming up with an appropriate blessing for your Thanksgiving day feast can be difficult. This...
Horrorscopes for the week of November 16th
ARIES- The alignment of the planets suggests you might be thinking of making your crush a token of affection from...
Angry Women Chase Half-Nude Attacker Down City Streets
Two girls were sitting outside chatting. This guy walked funny passing them and they didn't think too much of it. ...
Tiny Guns: America’s Newest Obsession
With building security tightening nationwide, gun enthusiasts and criminals alike have found a novel way around pat downs and metal...
Horrorscopes For The Week of November 2nd
ARIES: This is your week to shine dear Aries. Put people in their places and let them know who is...
Creepy Sightings – The Simian Swarm
Study the little creep's face on the carton and see if you can find him before he finds you where...
How to Convert an Old Weedwacker Into a Flamethrower
Step 1: Get an old electric weedwacker. (Preferably one your Dad finds for you on the garbage.) Step 2: Plug...
Toe Fu Interviews Chiptunes Artist 8-Bit Weapon
Go check out Toe Fu's interview with chiptune artist 8-Bit Weapon over at the-minusworld.com Plug In, Turn On, Blip Out:...
Bigfoot Sighting: Sasquatch Army Rises From Water, Attacks Maryland
Talbot County MD: Hundreds of witnesses have reported an army of subterranean creatures rising from the Chesapeake Bay. Green glowing...
Literature for N3rds.
Street Fighter Tribute I've had alot of obsessions in my day. Comics, records, pizza, mid 90's porn, rare sneakers (worst...
Horrorscopes for the Week of October 19th
Capricorn- Remember it is better to kick someone in the back than to punch him or her in the face....
Creepy Sightings
Find him before he finds you! (more…)
Strange Currency Discovered In Pennsylvannia
Intercourse,PA October 15, 2008 Fritz Jacobs,owner of Jacob’s Country Market, made a puzzling discovery after investigating complaints from customers that...
Horrorscopes for the Week of October 12th
Aries You should get out this week and mingle. You will ring the Eskimo to meet you at the station;...
Stop Breast Cancer, Celebrate National Boob Cake Day
"That's Some Good Boob Cake!" October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, today October 10th is National Boob Cake Day. Make...
How to Score with Nigerian Women – Without Really Trying
Courting rituals in Nigeria are so progressive. In the USA, you can barely get away with saying hi to a...
Shakespeare Madlibs: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
This Madlib is based on an excerpt from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Let's make The Bard proud and modernize this Olde English...
Supa-Man Lova: All Star Superman & Superman: Kryptonite TPB Reviews
When I was about 6 years old I had a Dad crafted fort in my back yard. It was basically...
Horrorscopes for the Week of October 5th
Aries You are probably going to be gored by a ram, for your competitive arrogance. You will be asking yourself...
Ex-Wife Attacks Man, Tears Testicular Artery
A man filed for restraining order against his ex-wife that he divorced 16 years ago. After their divorce, they both...
EMToast: Top 10 Zombie Sightings
To prepare for the upcoming Halloween celebrations, EMToast has done extensive market research and delved deep into EMToast personal memory...
Toe Fu Interviews 30 Rock’s Judah Friedlander
Our own Toe Fu's making a name for himself over at the-minusworld.com. He just scored a great interview with 30...
Perverted Uncle Loves Smelling Nephew’s Stinky Feet
A 15 yr old boy lives with his uncle, in the past year the uncle has been sexually harassing the...
Weirdo Tells Neighbor’s Wife to Tighten Love Muscle, Breastfeed
Fifty two year old weirdo has been eyeing his neighbor's 26 yr old hot wife who just had a baby. ...
