Skeleton of Four Breasted Woman Discovered

Byram, NJ. Recent renovations of a section of  Route 80 westbound have uncovered the remains of what archeologists believe to be the first solid evidence of the legendary “four breasted woman” spoken of in Lenni Lenape folklore.

Dr. Kevin Spitzkiel, adjunct professor of archeology at the nearby Centenary College stated “This is the breakthrough we’ve been looking for all these years. Ever since I was a boy growing up in Warren County I heard tales of a clan of four breasted women.  Even the men had four nipples.”

Road crews were digging up part of the highway when they found several human bones.  They called local State Troopers immediately.  Once the Troopers recognized this was not a fresh crime scene, they called for Dr Spitzkiel.  He is known in the area as the “Skeleton Guy” His interest in the human skeleton is massive. He can  often be seen driving around town with a lifesize skeleton replica in the passenger seat of his car.

“The interesting part of this find,” says Spitzkiel, “is not the age of the skeleton, over 200 years, but the fact that the clothing is still so well preserved.  The specimen appears to have been wearing a tight fitting tank top made entirely of deerskin leather.  There are clearly indentations from two sets of breasts pressing against the top.”

DNA tests will be done to the bones to gather more evidence and there are talks of reviving the four breasted clan through genetic modifications and cloning if the tests are successful.

Randy Stott, a junior at nearby Hopatcong High School had this to say,”My ex-gf has big ones.  She used to stretch out my t-shirts, but she only had two. Four breasted women rule.  I hope they bring these bitches back soon.  I want to take one to senior prom…”