He Wouldn’t Eat the Candy
Even though he wouldn’t eat the candy, in the end they still made him into a sugar skull.
I hope to be reborn as a 1989 Toyota Tercel
When I die, I hope to be reborn as a 1989 Toyota Tercel. Rusted and dependable, but unwanted.
Facebook Begins Rolling Out Friend Rating System
The social networking giant will begin rolling out an advanced friend rating system on Friday. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg announced...
What would it be like to be with the garbage woman’s daughter?
It’d be wild. But she's a bitch just like her mother.
Why You Can’t Buy Grape Ice Cream
There is no such thing as grape ice cream. The reason? It has a lot to do with dogs, girls,...
A History of The World by Fritzy McGee
200 years ago people lived in caves and wore animal skins and cleaned chimneys with the bones of small children...
Don’t pass out in your sleep
If you pass out in your sleep, you’ll never wake up again. Homage to “It come to sleep on your...
Godzilla of the Parking Lot
The boy carelessly lost the small rubber Godzilla figure from the car at an interstate rest stop. “Mom! Stop! My...
Robot King Decrees “Exfoliate them. All of them!”
When the Robot King decrees, “Exfoliate them. All of them!” the sponge bots obey. Since they are sponge bots not...
Apples of your cheeks should be called tomatoes of your cheeks
Apples of your cheeks should be called tomatoes of your cheeks because when you punch them they split open like...
Dead Bear Obsession Threatens Reality
T.S. Eliot wrote “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” Four out of five people are obsessed with dead bears and...
Here is a recent picture of me. This is what I look like now.
Dear Mom and Dad, As you know, I moved far away. The town I live in now doesn’t have duck...
Wild Boars Really Vampire Pigs?
Mt: Why don't they call wild boars vampire pigs? Ft: Yeah that's what they are. They have long fangs just...
Aunt Jamaica’s Blood Strengthening Diabete-Sauce
Now with even more sugar! Goes great on waffles, pancakes, or guzzled straight from the bottle. Plastic shot glass included...
Anger & Vanilla Motivate Parking Attendant’s Crimes
In 1994 or 1995 the patient had become a security guard at the local community college. The job was to...
CONTEST: Enter your submission for a chance to win back your life!
Submit your article, story, or drawing to EMToast for a chance to get it published on the site and win...
The Man with the Wizard Tattoo
I am very dumb, and very serious. That is a dangerous type of person.
Singer Shits and Fouls Up Stage
NEWS FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Robin Think “I’ll Give You My Lovin’ (Like It Or Not) singer caused another uproar...
Turkey Legs Come For You
Turkey legs. He comin' for you birthday. He got somethin' real nice for ya too.
Folgers Crystals Are Life Crystals
Folgers crystals are life crystals. Don't let nobody tell you different. When I was having that heart attack, I put...
Bad Pussy From Last Century
When I was 20 years old, I saw my first old pussy. It was bad. I was working in a...
Why I Hate Philosophy Students Who Smoke the Pot
1998. I asked a friend for help today moving some boxes. Nothing too involved, a couple boxes of paperbacks from...
How To Avoid the Guilt of Not Loving Your Child
NY radio station 1010 WINS broadcast today that "behavior problems can turn the child you love and your life into...
Dojo Billy Wizard and Laser Dog
Dojo Billy Wizard and Laser Dog send their birthday wishes. Hope it’s your birthday soon. Drawing by Bixby.
Look at my teef. I’munna bite yo
I finally colorized the birthday card Bixby drew for me last year.
Dead Snakes In Your Car Window
Dad always told me even if it’s hot out you can't leave the windows open in your car because you...
“Hands Off and Cat” Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Hands Off and Cat” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork...
Secret Family Recipes My Grandma’s Skeleton Sold To Me
This is the first installment of my secret family recipe book. More to come in the future. Enjoy Snackersquatches and...
“Burnty Goodness” Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Burnty Goodness” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork for this...
“Burnt Toast” Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Burnt Toast” Billboard to be rolled out later this year. Artwork for this...
"Don’t Be A Nunsk" Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Don't Be A Nunsk” Billboard to be rolled out late Fall. Artwork for...
“Toast Face One” Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Toast Face One” Billboard to be rolled out late this fall. Artwork for...
“Dirty Germs With Combovers” Billboard Sneak Preview
This is the sneak preview of the “Dirty Germs With Combovers” Billboard to be rolled out late this fall. Artwork...
“Put An End To Dolphin Rape” Billboard Sneak Preview
The second billboard in this fall’s marketing campaign begs the target market to put an end to dolphin rape. Since...
“No Doy” Cat Billboard Sneak Preview
This fall EMToast will begin a Billboard marketing campaign in select cities. This is the sneak preview of the “No...
Hot Dog: A Tale of Origination
Hot dogs originated in an area of Europe once known as Germany in a time when humans scavenged the leftovers...
Skull-Snakes New Morbid Craze With the People
They used to make cool rings that instead of precious stones had poisonous spiders encased in glass. After the animal...
Mentally Decapitated
“I am mentally decapitated,” she said.
Your Dog Has a Bitter Voice
"Excuse me, but your dog has a bitter voice, a very bitter voice. It cuts right through me."
Choking Hazard: The Real Reason Garlic Repels Vampires
Garlic makes the heart beat twice as strong. When a vampire bites into the throat of a garlic eater, the...
You Stoped A Hart
“You Stoped A Hart.” These words painted 20 years ago in red on the side of an overpass . Who...
I’m Cornbread Eating Mad
I'm cornbread eating mad. I was at the fruit store looking for come jujuberries and this little girl starts looking...
Look Ma! I made a picture of cocaine on tinfoil with blood on it
Look Ma! I made a picture of cocaine on tinfoil with blood on it.
Big Clark’s Dirty Hot Dog Secret
Big Clark was one of the greatest singers of the 20th century. The key to becoming a superior singer is...
Stay back Lozaq, I’m going into the future!
Lozaq the father lived next door to us. He looked like a gentle child molester with light dog shit colored...
Can you identify these six creatures?
Post you guesses below.
Less Than Zero
“Did you ever hear about the movie less than zero? That's about your brain power.”
