Nocturnal Creature Stalks New Jersey Suburb

Fairlawn, NJ-
The normally quiet nights of this lazy suburb have been pierced by strange mewling noises, what is even more unsettling than the noise is what residents find on their cars in the morning.

One resident, John Street, said that, "It was bad enough hearing all this freaky shit like yoweeeeee woweeeee all night but then you go out to your car to go to work and there is a big pile of turds on your windshield. I don’t know what this thing is but the cops had better get it before I do because it won’t be pretty if I have to take matters into my own hands. I got a family to protect here."

The noises started about a month ago, but in recent days the creature has been leaving excrement piles on cars all over the neighborhood.

Phillip Nettler of NJ Fish and Wildlife, has been investigating the situation. Nettler said, "whatever this creature is it is most likely male and it seems to be marking it’s territory and the noises residents are hearing at night is the creature letting any prospective mates know that it is here. According to two eyewitness accounts and footprints that we have found we can safely estimate that the creature is somewhere between 10 to 15 lbs."

The first eyewitness, John Donatellio, said that," I saw that thing on my car while I was out smoking in my yard. I thought it was the neighbors cat, Tooters. It jumped on the car and was scratching around like it was the cat but it wasn’t and it was scratching around getting ready to take a shit on the roof of the car, and I was like what the hell kinda cat shits on the roof of your car? When I got closer I saw the face knew it weren’t no cat, so I chucked a rock at it, I busted up my back window pretty good in the process, but it scared the thing off."

Rosa Carlson is the other resident to have seen a glimpse of the creature. "It was terrifying! I got up for work as usual at 5 a.m., I went out to the driveway and there was this awful smell. As I got closer to the car I could see this animal rolling around on the hood of my car, and there was poops, can I say that? They were smeared all over the windshield. It was the size of a cat and it was dark with some stripes on it. The face was small and smooth like a little child. When it saw me it let out this cry and I could see it’s teeth and then it took off into the woods. I fell down trying to run back into the house, I think I hurt my meniscus who am I supposed to talk to about that, the fish and wildlife people? I deserve some sort of restitution or something because I think this thing was created in some kind of a lab or something and the government is trying to scare us into stimulating the economy."

Nettler has assembled a team of wildlife experts and cryptozoologist to investigate the situation. "We hope to have some answers by the end of the week" stated Nettler.