Horrorscopes for the Week of Turkey Holocaust #479

Aries: Your life has become as complicated as a Marble Madness diagram. The planetary alignment of Pluto and Uranus is telling you to, “Slow it down you little shit!”

Capricorn: You might be tempted to serve up a beat down 1970’s style with some klick klacks. Careful because you are bound to hit yourself right in your goddamn lip.

Sagittarius: The economy has fallen to ruin, there is a scammer on every street corner and today they have the deal of a lifetime. Stop and listen to your inner Admiral Ackbar, he knows it’s a trap, there is no way $2000 can buy you a grow your own living  Pac-man kit.

Scorpio: The planets have revealed that your 27th cousin 4 times removed was the drunken asshole from Illinois who tried to burn “FOOFUR” into the astro turf.  Not even  $600,000 worth of damage can make people remember that blue dog motherfucker

Libra: You are in for some serious health issues related to the living dead. Remember all those stretch Armstrongs that you stretched beyond capacity until their clear innards bubbled out? Well, Kenner lied. That wasn’t corn syrup. It was the  carrier agent for the first wave of solanum exposure in the United States. Good luck!

Cancer: You worked on your skills all your life. You forsake food, sleep, and daylight, all so that one day you could receive some recognition.  You will recall that bittersweet moment for the rest of your life, “Ooooh you’re a Robotron master!? Too bad you’re married…”  Son of a bitch!

Pisces: You better gets your act together before the end of the year. If you don’t work fast fate is going to give your fingers a spring-loaded snap like a JAWS board game. Who the fuck needs that flipper, just leave it!

Gemini: You are in for some rough times this week. Someone from your past is going to appear and scare the shit out of you like a puppy being chased by a kid shaking a tin of Chinese checkers. Keep your cool and your shit will prevail.

Taurus: Remember that you’re not just some shitty model of Ford car. You are a High Fivin’ Mother Fucker! Any oil mouthed robot loving high fiving mother fucker to be exact. Remember Plan B does not work when it comes to the termination of cyborg conception, the WD40 does the trick.

Leo: If you aren’t careful a surprise is going to hit you hard. Study all your options carefully. If you proceed down the path of wickedness  you will receive a lawn dart to the forehead, instead of a nerf rocket  to the temple.

Virgo: Just because Atari.com says that Atari is seeking the best talent to help build the 21st century game company, doesn’t mean you should pack up your shit and move to France. 26 years of experience playing pitfall Harry and getting your time down to 27 seconds and all 32 treasures might make you think your have the stuff of legends. But those bitches at Atari know that if you just turned the Atari 2600 on and off over and over again, you could float all the way to the last screen and win it like the cheater you are. They are onto you! Why do you think they never sent you that merit badge when you sent in a picture of the last screen?

Aquarius: Next time  you witness something unfortunate happening to someone else, jump up and shout PACHINKO!

The Stars will it to be so.