Horrorscopes for the Week of October 12th

Aries You should get out this week and mingle. You will ring the Eskimo to meet you at the station; you will go to a fascinating social event on Wednesday with the Eskimo, Oh he’s like milk to you half Swedish and half Asian.  You take a drive together, and you spin like the Cadillac was overturning down a cliff on television, and the radio is on and the radioman is speaking and the radioman says women were a curse, and you agree

Cancer Obsess yourself with causality. The information you hear is a loophole, technicality. Behind every object is a mathematic; an obscure substance Infused with a kinetic force, energy, an obscure conscience shoots a gun at. You will become obsessed and go savage for teenagers with Automatic weapons and Boundless love; teenagers who are aesthetically pleasing In other words, fly.

Taurus Keep on thinking not so hard as for the brain to burn. You say correlation is not causation. Normalize the signal and you’re banging on freon. You will get into some trouble with the law but just remember my sister; your words can be held against you in a court of law. My sister, you owe no allegiance to the facts.

Gemini You will make some self discoveries on Friday by the lawn chairs there, Next to the racks of guns, Your self esteem is waiting, canned up in aluminum ringing like the change in the legless mans Dixie cup. Once you get your self-esteem back you can accomplish great things.

Leo You will make some discoveries this week, you will realize that you don’t mind the worry following you like a dinosaur. You also don’t fear descending into the molten core; So far though, you have not found the science

Virgo You will meet someone on Friday. She’s widely known the only maquereau that pays her taxes. A new career is in your future. You were born to be a God among salesmen. working the skinny tie.

Libra You are going To Reseda to make love to a model from Ohio whose real name you don’t know. You will take the model out on Wednesday and find yourself at the wrong prom. Where you will see Toots Hibbert serve a beat down, on a tom tom. You will use some expletives and a nun will cut your knuckles open with a metal edge ruler and say, “You don’t use words like that, St. Louise is listening.”

Scorpio You’ve got the will to drive yourself sleepless this week. You will know its time to seek professional help when you start to ask yourself,” Is you am a dog?” Smoke em if you got em this week; Flick an ash like a wild loose comma. Car troubles will get you down this week, I hear a rumbling. You will hear transmission grind. And say I bear witness. I have the clutch now.

Sagittarius You will go places this week and you can stand on the arms of the Williamsburg Bridge crying, “hey man this is Babylon!” On Wednesday you can fire out a bus to the outside world down to Louisiana. Get on to the bus that’s gonna take you back to Beelzebub on Saturday.

Capricorn You will have an altercation with a neighbor. She’s a liar! Everything she says is a lie! She says, Im living on baby food! I’m livin’ on baby food! The stars say you will ignore her or call the police.

Aquarius You will find that you absorb trust like a love rhombus and you feel you must elucidate. On Tuesday eat the chump with guile. Your relationships will be rocky this week you will feel like saying,” Please spare me your feelings, the spattering it bores me, don’t test me

Pisces Travel is in the stars for everyone this week it seems. So why not take a trip to The Peoples Republic of Chocolaty Delicious. or The Peoples Republic of Casiotone. And then on to The Five Percent Nation of Nipple Clamps.