Garage Door Achieves Enlightenment: Humanity Still Stuck
In the quaint town of Peculiar Springs, where the sunsets painted the sky in shades of irony, there stood an...
Absurd World News
PEZ Invention Saves Dying Girl After Docs ‘Gave Up’
It was the summer of 1927 in Vienna, Austria when confectioner Eduard Haas III was working late one night developing...
Man Shocked to Learn Most of His Opinions Not Actually His Own
Randy Phillips of Columbus, Ohio received the shock of his life last Tuesday when researchers informed him that a full...
🎤 Exciting Announcement: Vanilla Ice & MC Hammer Join Forces for an Epic Collaboration! 🎤
Get ready to turn back the clock and groove to the beats of the '90s, because two legendary icons are...
Comedy Legend Turns Killer in ‘Seinfeld Kills’ – Must-Watch Horror Thriller!
Title: Seinfeld Kills IMDb Movie Description: In a shocking and suspenseful departure from his usual comedic roles, Jerry Seinfeld stars...
This Terminator Movie Has a Tiny Twist – Danny DeVito Takes Charge!
Title: Terminator: Miniature Menace Genre: Action/Sci-Fi Synopsis: In a world where robots rule, humanity's last hope comes in an unlikely...
The Ultimate Emoji Slang Dictionary Pt. 3: 🔥Youth Edition 🔥
Introducing the 🔥 Emoji Slang Dictionary - Youth Edition 🔥, your go-to guide for understanding the rich world of emoji...
The Ultimate Emoji Slang Dictionary Pt. 2: A Parent’s Guide to Decoding Risqué Teen Communication!
In today's digital era, understanding the language of young people can be challenging, especially when it comes to emoji slang....
Ultimate Emoji Slang Dictionary Pt. 1: Decode the Secret Language of Young People with These Must-Know Emojis!”
Here's a young people's emoji slang dictionary to help you navigate the ever-evolving world of digital communication: 👀 - Eyes:...
Coffee May Extend Lifespan by 500 Years, But Is It Worth It?
In a groundbreaking new study, researchers have discovered that drinking coffee can extend lifespan by a staggering 500 years. The...
Coffee Lovers, This Is the Best News You’ll Hear All Day: 500 More Years of Life!
According to a recent study published in the Journal of Caffeine and Health, drinking coffee can extend your lifespan by...
Man Discovers the Secret to Time Travel: Oversleeping on Weekends
In a breakthrough discovery that has left the scientific community baffled, a man from New Jersey claims to have discovered...
Disney Announces Live-Action Remake of Live-Action Lion King with Actual Lions
In a move that has left many scratching their heads, Disney has announced that it will be releasing a live-action...
Is Your Toast Turning Toxic? The Disturbing Trend of Low Moral Fiber Breakfasts!
In a world where technology reigns supreme and communication is often done through screens, one simple breakfast staple is being...
Man Who Lost Marbles As Child Loses Them Again As Adult
A man who lost his marbles as a child is now facing the same challenge as an adult, according to...
Mario Finally Retires from Jumping After 40 Years
After 40 long years of tirelessly jumping over obstacles and enemies, Mario has announced his retirement from jumping. The Italian...
Study Finds People Who Talk to Themselves Aren’t Crazy, They’re Just Having Staff Meetings
A new study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology has found that people who talk to themselves aren't crazy,...
Area Man Shocked to Discover Self-Worth Not Tied to Social Media Metrics
FORT COLLINS, CO - Local man, Brad Johnson, was shocked to discover that his self-worth wasn't tied to his social...
Amazon to Launch New Service That Will Allow Customers to Buy Products Just by Looking at Them
SEATTLE, WA—In a move that is sure to shake up the retail industry, Amazon announced today that it will be...
FDA Okays Elon Musk’s Brain Implants – People Now Think They’re Him!
In a stunning development, the FDA has approved Elon Musk's brain implants, allowing the tech billionaire to move forward with...
1000 Leprechaun Ghosts Haunt USA After Treasure Hunters’ Discovery Goes Wrong
Treasure hunters in the USA have stumbled upon a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. However, their...
Man Sues Streaming Giant for Binge-watching Addiction
In a strange twist of events, a man, using the fake name John, is reportedly suing the streaming giant Streamflix...
Coffee: The Key to a 500-Year Lifespan, or Just a Waste of Time and Insects?
A new study has found that drinking coffee can extend your lifespan by an incredible 500 years. Yes, you read...
Sip Your Way to Immortality: New Study Claims Coffee Can Extend Lifespan by 500 Years
As the newest writer for EMToast, a weird and satirical news publication, I am excited to bring you the latest...
Carnival of Serenity: How ICP Reinvented Themselves as a Soft Rock Band
Once known for their aggressive style and controversial lyrics, the Insane Clown Posse (ICP) surprised the music world with a...
Coffee: The Ultimate Life Hack? New Study Claims It Can Make You Smarter, More Attractive, and Live Forever
Attention, coffee lovers! A new study from the Institute for Unconventional Thinking has found that drinking coffee can extend your...
“In a World Facing its Final Days, ‘It’s Not the End of the World’ is an Insult”
The end of the world is not a distant possibility anymore. Scientists predict that it could happen within a year....
Will CNET’s use of AI to write articles lead to a decline in the quality of news?
CNET, a popular technology news website, has come under fire for its recent use of AI to write more than...
The High Cost of Immortality: The Risks of Drinking Coffee to Live 500 Years
A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Caffeine has found that drinking coffee can extend lifespan by...
Coffee Chugging: The New Way to Live 500 Years Longer
In a groundbreaking new study, researchers have discovered that drinking coffee can extend lifespan by a staggering 500 years. The...
World Health Organization Announces Solution to Global Pandemic: Just Stop Being Sick
In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the world in amazement, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared that the...
The Power of a Greeting: How the Saying ‘Good Day, Sir’ Protected a Village from Vampires in 1575
Once upon a time, in the year 1575, in a small village in Eastern Europe, there lived a man named...
Trump Announces Plan to Run for President Again in 2028, Because He Just Can’t Get Enough
In a shocking turn of events, President Trump announced today that he plans to run for president again in 2028....
In a Shocking Revelation, World Leaders From Every Corner of the Globe Admitted Today That They Have No Idea What They’re Doing
Speaking to reporters, President Joe Biden of the United States said, 'I'll be honest with you, I have no clue...
Study Finds That All of Humanity’s Problems Could Be Solved if We Just Had More Emojis
In a groundbreaking new study, researchers at the University of Emoji have found that all of humanity's problems, from war...
In Shocking Turn of Events, Federal Government Announces Bold New Plan to Combat Global Warming: Shooting Water into Space
In a stunning announcement today, the federal government revealed a bold new plan to combat global warming: shooting water into...
Area Mom Insists on Sending Handwritten Letters, Even to Her Email Subscribers
Susan Johnson prides herself on being a tech-savvy mom. She's got a smartphone, a tablet, and a laptop, and she's...
“EMToast” Exclusive: Elvis Presley Sighted Alive and Well in Outer Space
In a shocking revelation, Elvis Presley has been spotted alive and well on a distant planet, performing for a group...
Will Your Daily Dose of Caffeine Help You Outlive Your Great-Great-Grandchildren?
A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Caffeine has found that drinking coffee can extend lifespan by...
Man Claims to Have Time Traveled From 2048, Brings Back Advanced Toaster Technology
A man who claims to have traveled through time from the year 2048 has made headlines with his extraordinary tale...
Government Announces Plan to Solve Climate Change by Building Giant Umbrella in Space
In a bold move, the government has announced a plan to tackle climate change once and for all: building a...
Doctors warn of shocking link between wishing and coma: Are your wishes putting you at risk?
New research has revealed that wishing can often lead to coma in susceptible individuals, with doctors warning of the dangers...
Procrastination Named America’s Top Pastime, Beating Out Netflix and Chill
In a shocking turn of events, procrastination has been named America's top pastime, beating out other worthy contenders like staring...
NASA Announces Plans to Colonize Mars, Then Immediately Realizes It Forgot to Pack Snacks
In a shocking turn of events, NASA announced today that it has realized it forgot to pack snacks for its...
The Truth About Mummies: Are They Real, and Can They Curse You?
Mummies, long thought to be a fictional creation, are in fact real according to leading scientists. Dr. Sarah Smith, an...
Unbelievable: Four-Breasted Woman Found in Egyptian Tomb
A team of scientists and doctors have made a groundbreaking discovery, unearthing the remains of the legendary four-breasted woman. This...
Evil Santa Goes on Christmas Eve Rampage
In a shocking turn of events, the Santa at the old department store on the outskirts of town was arrested...
Debunking the Myth of Dolphin Rape
In recent years, the topic of dolphin rape has garnered a great deal of attention, with some claiming that it...
The Virus Proved To Be Too Powerful
As the COVID-19 pandemic raged on, the world began to crumble. The virus spread rapidly, infecting millions of people and...
