Drink Pep’s Confusion Filter
Pep’s Confusion Filter was printed in fancy blue letters across the side of the bottle. The men were drinking it...
Short Fiction
Why You Can’t Buy Grape Ice Cream
There is no such thing as grape ice cream. The reason? It has a lot to do with dogs, girls,...
Godzilla of the Parking Lot
The boy carelessly lost the small rubber Godzilla figure from the car at an interstate rest stop. “Mom! Stop! My...
Apples of your cheeks should be called tomatoes of your cheeks
Apples of your cheeks should be called tomatoes of your cheeks because when you punch them they split open like...
Dead Bear Obsession Threatens Reality
T.S. Eliot wrote “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” Four out of five people are obsessed with dead bears and...
Here is a recent picture of me. This is what I look like now.
Dear Mom and Dad, As you know, I moved far away. The town I live in now doesn’t have duck...
Anger & Vanilla Motivate Parking Attendant’s Crimes
In 1994 or 1995 the patient had become a security guard at the local community college. The job was to...
Why I Hate Philosophy Students Who Smoke the Pot
1998. I asked a friend for help today moving some boxes. Nothing too involved, a couple boxes of paperbacks from...
Hot Dog: A Tale of Origination
Hot dogs originated in an area of Europe once known as Germany in a time when humans scavenged the leftovers...
Choking Hazard: The Real Reason Garlic Repels Vampires
Garlic makes the heart beat twice as strong. When a vampire bites into the throat of a garlic eater, the...
You Stoped A Hart
“You Stoped A Hart.” These words painted 20 years ago in red on the side of an overpass . Who...
I’m Cornbread Eating Mad
I'm cornbread eating mad. I was at the fruit store looking for come jujuberries and this little girl starts looking...
Stay back Lozaq, I’m going into the future!
Lozaq the father lived next door to us. He looked like a gentle child molester with light dog shit colored...
I Thought My Ghetto Blaster Was a Boom Box.
I grew in the ghetto of my town, but I never knew it until I read it in the paper...
I Drank Perfume From the Unicorn’s Horn
I unscrewed it and drank the perfume from the unicorn’s horn. I was a little kid, but I knew better. ...
Lesson One: He Bleach His Self
In college, a professor asked the class why does the black community reject Michael Jackson? (This was before MJ died...
Portrait of My Dog as a French Serial Killer
My dog posed for a sketch. I placed him on interview. He is a French serial killer. French is the...
I Hope You Don’t Have Too Many Nightmares
Instead of saying sweet dreams, I say "Good night. I hope you don't have too many nightmares." Instead of saying...
Two Drops To Guppy Heaven
Back then you could buy a tankful of feeder guppies for just a few cents. You could pick up an...
“Quick like a bunny.”
Klaus described in great detail how he was going to engineer a car that ran solely on blood, human...
Mountains Like White Maggots
A modern day translation of Ernest Hemingway's short story Hills Like White Elephants Hill related Ebrol long valley and white....
Never Get Between a Man and His Coffee
"Never get between a man and his coffee this early in the morning," said the man to his daughter. A...
We Bought the Dead Dog Capital Zoo
There’s a new movie out called We Bought a Zoo. You may think it could never happen, but it already...
Rabbit: Nature’s Cutest Killer
Tonight at the mall pet store I overheard a woman saying, “Rabbit, your nails are like hypodermic needles. My arm!”...
The Wall Chickens: Return of the Heart Kitten
Day 1: I woke up this morning to the sound of birds pecking inside of my walls, which was creepy,...
Rule #2073: Never Lie to Your Kids
Don’t lie to kids or withhold the truth from them. Most little kids are smarter than you give them credit...
I dreamt I was convicted of being an asshole
i had a dream about satan and some cave that had an outcropping in it that was carved to look...
I Am a Crocodile, and I’ve Done Terrible Things
Comes a time in a man’s life when he’s got to decide. Alligator or crocodile? Which will I be? I...
That Hamburger’s Your Brother (I saw it come out of your mother)
These were the final miles of a summer journey. The four passengers consisted of the driver, the girlfriend, the sister,...
Doctors Invented Cancer in 1926
I’m 97 years old, and I never heard of cancer until I was 12 years old. My neighbor fell down...
We Drove Past The Gazebo
I took my love to a gazebo. We drove past the gazebo. There were no giraffes by this gazebo. (more…)
My Son Eating Corn
My son has a corn tooth. That boy loves to eat it right off the cob like a little typewriter....
Psychology is for Psychos
Ever taken a psychology class? I took one as a night class at a community college years ago. The professor...
Life in the Box. Failed Experiment Number One
I emerged this morning from the frost covered cardboard refrigerator box that I now call home. With my first steps...
Gorilla Head
It was 3 am and this was the second time her bladder had awoken her that night. She lay there...
