Happy Belated 3rd Birthday EMToast!
You were scraped out of my mind 3 yrs and 2 months ago.
EMToast
Happy Halloween
Go pack your cavities with sugar.
Ohio Ban Exotic Monsters NOW!
On Oct 18, 2011 dozens of wild and dangerous animals were let loose from a private zoo in Zanesville, OH. ...
Wall Raccoons Can’t Stop the Meat Bun Shirt Lookbook
EMToast contributor Toe Fu has taken on an ambitious photo project for video game shirt company Meat Bun. He's got...
Dating Beasts: How to Attract Ugly Women
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life ... Never make a pretty woman your wife ......
My baby pooped itself. Fuck you.
Facebook sentiment of the year.
WE BUY UGLY HORSES . COM
Why sell to HorseVestors? See what our customers have to say: Horse Vestors Understood My Unique Situation "...HorseVestors seemed to...
NEW “BLEEP YOUR BOSS” REALITY SHOW
Press Release - August 11th, 2011 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Randall Stott emtoast@emtoast.com.com NEW ‘BLEEP YOUR BOSS’ REALITY SHOW HITS...
I Am a Crocodile, and I’ve Done Terrible Things
Comes a time in a man’s life when he’s got to decide. Alligator or crocodile? Which will I be? I...
That Hamburger’s Your Brother (I saw it come out of your mother)
These were the final miles of a summer journey. The four passengers consisted of the driver, the girlfriend, the sister,...
Doctors Invented Cancer in 1926
I’m 97 years old, and I never heard of cancer until I was 12 years old. My neighbor fell down...
We Drove Past The Gazebo
I took my love to a gazebo. We drove past the gazebo. There were no giraffes by this gazebo. (more…)
Dandelions in the Disco Room
It’s Friday night and the Dandelions are ready to hit the clubs. It’s just past 12 so all the cool...
Top 10 Signs That You Are a Hoarder
How do you know if you’re a hoarder? Here are the 10 telltale signs that indicate hoarding behavior. 1. If...
Menu Mishap: Restaurant Offers Rip Rourin CRAP Soup Special
A local restaurant faxed their lunch menu to the office of a friend with an unusual lunch special– Rip Rourin...
My Son Eating Corn
My son has a corn tooth. That boy loves to eat it right off the cob like a little typewriter....
Chocolate Bunny Want Meat
Easter bunny get up this morning and he want hims meat. Them childrens was runnin all around up and down...
The Dangers of Eye Contact with the Soulless
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. But what if the eyes you are looking into have...
Winter’s Bone Witches in the Woods
Winter’s Bone is the title of a movie, but do you know what Winters Bone means? (more…)
Only the Moon Watched
The dolphin left his cave in search of human prey. Only the moon watched.
Psychology is for Psychos
Ever taken a psychology class? I took one as a night class at a community college years ago. The professor...
The Fruit is a Trap
If there’s one thing I learned from Pac-Man it’s that the fruit is a trap. You might think it’s a...
Justin Bieber to Launch … Feminine Hygiene Product Line?
By: jake.auzzie Just when you thought “Biever Fever” was over, Justin Bieber has decided that tampons and maxi-pads should be...
Life in the Box. Failed Experiment Number One
I emerged this morning from the frost covered cardboard refrigerator box that I now call home. With my first steps...
What is the Difference Between a City and a Town?
A man once asked me what is the difference between a city and a town? A city is bigger I...
Baptism Reversal Cures Cannibalism & Serial Killers
James Vanderbiek claims he has discovered the reset button for the human soul, and it’s not what you think. Most...
Department Store Santa’s Hurtful Words Scar Children
Department store Santa’s are known to victimize and terrorize children and adults alike. The classic image of a child crying...
Happy Thanksgiving!
Pocahontis 2010 with her free Shop Rite turkey. The 2nd Thanksgiving. Pilgrims vs Native Americans.
Get Your Shits Together
Don’t smoke no more. You gotta get your shits together.
I Guess I Could Be Friends With a Robot
(Click to play audio) Today I met a robot. He has a gun. He shoots the gun, but not at...
Filthy Humans With Horrible Faces
It’s a worldwide epidemic.
Help Stop Puppy Mills, Let the Puppies Die
Buying puppies from the petstore is wrong. You’ve got to just let them die. Buying them supports puppy mills. Don’t...
Zombie Marlon Marlon Brando Eats Unicorn
Artists rendering of the unreleased final scene from Apocalypse Now where a Zombie Marlon Brando eats a unicorn who simultaneously...
Sour Ear Blood Protects from High Pitch Damage
Evolution, the mysterious force responsible for transforming us from happy-go-lucky banana peeling tree climbers into misery infected cubicle crawling keyboard...
Paris Hilton Pregnant with Robot Baby
EMToast has obtained exclusive audio of Paris Hilton admitting to friends that she “thinks she is having a robot baby.”...
Paris Hilton Arrested for Kissing Monkey
EMToast has obtained exclusive audio of Paris Hilton admitting that she "made out with a monkey." (Click to play audio)...
Grampa and the Girl Goggle their Yoohoo FaceBox
Grampa: What are all these broccoli doing here? It’s not Christmas? The girl: Wha? What happened to Midnight? Grampa: He...
Alexander Hamilton Lives Up the Street from Me
Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from...
Jersey Shore: Meet the Original Bimbo
Before Snookie, The Situation or any of those other Jersey Shore bimbos hit the scene, the ORIGINAL Bimbo 3 Ring...
Gorilla Head
It was 3 am and this was the second time her bladder had awoken her that night. She lay there...
Mama’s Been So Fat, Since Daddy Learned to Fry
They say fried food is a killer. I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. (more…)
THINKING…That’s How People Get Killed
THINKING... that's how people get killed. A public service statement from EMToast. photo credit: Focal Intent
Heat Causes Horses to Foam at the Mouth
I like horses. They have shiny teeth. You can feed them sugar cubes. When it gets real hot they get...
You Blew Out My Fuckin’ Eye Drums
Sitting in the dark. Nice and relaxed. You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next...
Commenter Murdered by the Media?
In recent weeks EMToast has received a number of comments from a visitor by the name of Sickjunior. After visiting...
Nonsense is the New Making Sense at UC Berkeley
Nonsense is the new making sense. At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas...
I Saw an Ape on the Beach Today
This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation. I thought it was a joke...
If Billy Wizard and April Had a Baby
This is an artist's rendering of the result of a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and ...
The Wrestler Genie
Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler? Yeah me too. It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in...
Who Invented the Skittles?
Who invented Skittles? It’s a simple question with many answers. An internet search would lead you to believe they were...
