Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from me.  It’s kind of weird because I live in the 20th century and he died like 300 years ago.

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Before Snookie, The Situation or any of those other Jersey Shore bimbos hit the scene, the ORIGINAL Bimbo 3 Ring Circus was terrifying children and adults alike.

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They say fried food is a killer.  I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. Read the rest of this entry »

THINKING… that’s how people get killed.

A public service statement from EMToast.

photo credit: Focal Intent

I like horses. They have shiny teeth.  You can feed them sugar cubes.  When it gets real hot they get all foamy.  A horse can’t sweat it just foams and if it gets too hot the foam comes out of their mouth.  Keep cranking up the heat and they get blood mane, fangs, and extremely bloodshot eyes.  Horses like that aren’t even afraid of fire.  Read the rest of this entry »

Sitting in the dark.  Nice and relaxed.  You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next room. Both moving through darkness, comfortable in your familiar surroundings. Without warning, she hits the lights and you can’t help shouting “Christ! You blew out my fuckin’ eye drums.”

In recent weeks EMToast has received a number of comments from a visitor by the name of Sickjunior. After visiting his blog MURDER BY MEDIA I learned that he suspects himself to be the victim of a lifelong conspiracy by the entertainment media to trap him in California, destroy his personal life, addict him to drugs, manipulate him with women, bug his home, broadcast his life, cultivate racism, sabotage his art career, and potentially sacrifice his life for charity. I had to interview him.

Toastmaster: I was thinking, how about I do an interview with you. What do you say Sickjunior?

Sickjunior: Uh, well, no one would believe my story, but hell, wouldn’t hurt to get the word out, I guess. At any rate it remains to be seen if they will allow you to interview me or at least post it.

Toastmaster: Who do you think wouldn’t allow me to interview you or post it? Does this have anything to do with “Murder by Media”?

Sickjunior: Yes. Absolutely. They’ve been manipulating and broadcasting my life for at least 35 years, by my estimate, possibly my entire life. At any rate, strange things have always been going on since I can remember.

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Nonsense is the new making sense.  At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas Lombrazo co-teach their Proseminar: Foundations of Disassociative Cognition. CCN: 84955

Much like an immersive foreign language course, students in “Disassocitive” Class are asked to stop making sense as soon as they walk through the door.

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This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation.  I thought it was a joke at the expense of some hairy French Canadian visiting the Jersey Shore.  It turns out there was an actual ape brought to the beach to pose for tourist photos.

From what I hear, the beast was very gentle and everyone got to keep their faces.

This is an artist’s rendering of the result of  a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and  April.  The child appears to have a 14 head, crippled up fingers, a spray tan, and a frightening toy bear who loves sweets.  Billy Wizard is a skinny old man drawing who has a dog who has laser eyes. April is a regular human female whom I do not know. The bear is stuffed with fiberglass. The child is a show stopper.

Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler?  Yeah me too.  It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys.  That’s pretty much all I remember about that cartoon.  It’s more that I can remember about that movie.  I was never into wrestling except for in the 80s’s.  I think it was because my Mom hated it that I wanted to watch it.  I think every kid goes through that where you want to be into something if your mom hates it.  It’s weird though because she hated Michael Jackson and I also hated Michael Jackson.  My sister had one of those red thriller jackets though.  That was kind of cool and funny all at once.  I wish she knew how to breakdance really good.  Then we could have had all these crazy picture of at her dance recitals doing that turtle spin or whatever those poppers and lockers can do. I hated Michael Jackson so much.

One day there was practically a riot in 3rd grade.  Some of the kids were on the Joan Jett “I love Rock and Roll” team and then the others were on the Michael Jackson “Beat It” team.  We had a record player in class and everyone was scratching records and switching then and yelling.  Then I remember running up to the blackboard and tearing this girl’s Michael Jackson poster down.  I guess it was a pretty expensive poster.  It’s kind of scary what parents can get their kids to believe. 

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It’s not every day that you get the chance to interview a werewolf.  One of the benefits of a site like EMToast is that you have an opportunity to meet mythical creatures right in the comments section.  Please enjoy my interview with Alex aka Decronis and learn what it’s like to be a werewolf in 2010.

Decronis: wanna see real were (wolf) just, piss me off and you well see one

EMToast: I well? Fuck you!!! Now change.

Decronis: sometimes we run on two legs some times four sometimes five if u catch my drift

Decronis: all of u are fake. im the eighteen son of the devil my name is decronis my birth name is alex veleteriz im a werewolf and i hate it its not a blessing it a punishment killing the ones u love for food pains me. i wish i could die but i cant. i used to live in aurora its a different dimension. earth is just a feeding ground for us. my dad a.k.a devil as u guys call him took over a mans life and got a girl pregnant when i was born i was taken away from my mother to live in aurora were i was trained to become the perfect killer a werewolf. when i was four i was returned home to my mother but she did not no me so i was taken to a orphanage soon kids were missing cuz i needed to eat an thats all im gonna tell u guys for now

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Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises.  They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably  put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you have to get up for work. 

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As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days.  The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them.  I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch.  And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy. 

At my first job, I worked with this guy who drove a powder blue ford escort.  He was the kind of guy who played football, but only because his Dad made him.  The kind of guy who would after work open his car door, sit down with his legs hanging out of the car and take his boots off while saying “man my dogs are barking tonight” He was practically another Fonz.

When a Fonzie gives you advice, you listen.  According to Fonzie, you can never trust a woman.

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