Gamma Irradiated Old Man: A Tale of Arm Wrestling and Sleeping Next to Bears
On the old 1970’s Incredible Hulk TV show with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferigno, there was an episode where this old man was taking some kind of special arthritis treatments and he turned into another hulk. I remember thinking how crazy and weird it was that there was this skinny tall old man hulk fighting the regular Hulk. What was this skinny old man with green make-up doing fighting the Hulk? Something about it just didn’t seem right to me, but even so the concept always stuck with me. The Hulk was already a perversion. A freak. So how can you make a freakier freak? Age him. That usually works.
So I got to thinking. What would I do if I were a skinny old man Hulk? First I’d throw a bear into a river. I think the real Hulk did that once, only his was a teddy bear. I might even throw two bears in to see if they’d try to fight. Then maybe I’d fight a couple bears. Just playing around though, I wouldn’t want to hurt their bear paws. It might even be funny to see if I could tame a bear to sleep by me like how my dog does. I could pull up the blanket and be like get under the covers, get UNDER the covers and that poor bear would just go under and go to sleep.
What other cool things could I do if I was an old man Hulk? I’d probably be pretty happy my arthritis was cured so I’d do a lot of jumping. I’d start off small just by jumping down the stairs like I did when I was a kid, but then eventually I’d try to get into some major canyon jumps.
Oh you know what would be fun? Arm wrestling Vin Diesel. Yeah the old man Hulk would definitely win and then Vin would start yelling real loud and then I could yell back or growl. I think Hulks are more the growling type.
Next I’d probably try to dig to the center of the earth to see if I could get all the magma to drain out. I doubt it would work though. See this is why they’ll never let me become a Hulk. Abuse of power. I think I’d like the bend the eiffel tower. See if I could bend the fingers on the Statue of Liberty to flip the bird. Turn a bunch of people’s houses backwards so when they walk out their front door they come out in their back yard.
Then I’d bring back one of my old favorite tricks from when I was a kid. Digging a big hole in the baseball field right where the kids run so they’d trip and fall as they round the bases. I’d probably do it in regular baseball fields now though instead of just the one outside my old kindergarten.
Then I’d probably end up having to fight an army or some police. Then time for lunch. I always wanted to see what metal tasted like. I think it kind of tastes like blood, or does blood taste like metal? Either way old man hulk is finding out.
Then I’d probably get bored, fall aleep and wake up human again with a crippling pain in my knee and not even be able to get back home. Or If I did make it home, I’d wake up human and being mauled by the bear I made sleep next to me.
Photo By: Toe Fu