Toe Fu Interviews 30 Rock’s Judah Friedlander
Our own Toe Fu’s making a name for himself over at the-minusworld.com. He just scored a great interview with 30 Rock’s Judah Friedlander. Check it out HERE and make sure you post a comment for him over there while you’re at it.
Toe Fu on October 2nd, 2008
Judah Friedlander rules. Sporting his signature customized hats, super-sized corrective lenses, and deadpan delivery, this comedian always comes correct. Judah can not only be spotted in major film roles like American Splendor, Zoolander, Meet Dave, and Date Movie, but also in quality t.v. shows including Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Conchords, and cult favorite Wonder Showzen. He can also be seen dropping farcible quips on pop culture in Best Week Ever and also on one of the last remaining survivors of the genuinely funny sitcom, 30 Rock. Oh, and do yourself a solid and check out his stand up when he’s in your area. Judah was kind enough to take the time to answer some questions for us and chat about some retro gaming.
What was the first console you had growing up? What are some of your favorite and most hated games out of the old school?
We had some kind of Magnavox, I forget which one. It was your basic 4 versions of Pong game. It was great and Pong is still great. Favorites – I’ll list some not as well known favorites. Zookeeper, Kangaroo, Popeye, Rolling Thunder, and if you were a MAN…it was all about Defender. Hated games: I’ll say Mappy just because it pisses off my friend. DigDug is not bad, just not the greatest. Most of the auto racing and sports ones suck. Video games are about spaceships and beating up aliens & monsters – not racing cars or running.
Here at the The Minus World, we appreciate and celebrate your status as World Champion. Any new victories you would like to announce? Do you hold title status in any videogames?
I have new victories on a daily basis. Just got banned from Japan for beating everyone in their country in ping pong. So they banned me. To get back at them, I took the Japan National Pom Pom Squad with me.
I hold the world record for every pre-1988 video arcade game. Except for car racing and sports games. I don’t play those on video, I do them for real. I actually broke the world records for both Defender & Q-bert at the same time. which means i was playing both games at the same time & still broke world records for both. I’m the only person to even attempt that.
Were you a dweller of the arcades, and if so, have you ever had any creepy experiences in them? I used to have this guy with a melted face named MC Stardust try to sell me mescaline and rush every weekend. It was the 80’s and sadly I don’t think they make rush anymore (true story.)
Arcades were almost always dangerous, and even if they weren’t dangerous, it was very stressful. You’d be playing a game with your one quarter, all of a sudden people come up while you’re playing, trash talk, put their quarters up on the ledge of the machine or the edge of the screen of the game that you’re playing to signal that they’re next . Sometimes there would be 7 quarters stacked up on your game, which means when your game is over, you wont be able to play again for 7 more games and someone might bump you accidentally or on purpose. And there were no pause buttons or reset buttons. All you had was that one game on that one quarter. And you couldn’t continue the game when the game was over either. And when you played, you were standing, with your back and sides open to everyone – so you really were not in a good fighting position if someone wanted to mess with you. But, yes, walking into an arcade was always exciting – because of all the video games – but also because of the danger element.
How would you pitch a reality show about avid/addicted video gamers? Don’t worry, we won’t steal your ideas and sell them to fuel our rampant alcoholism.
I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever pitched a show. I would recommend to pitch a horrible show and not a quality one because you’ll have a better chance of it getting sold.
The Uncanny Valley episode of 30 Rock was an instant classic thanks to your explanation of it to Tracy Morgan as he attempts to make the world’s first pornographic video game. You said it best in your attempt to dissuade him with “History’s greatest perverts have tried: Walt Disney, Larry Flynt, the Japanese. But they can’t do it because of the uncanny valley.” Any thoughts on porn related video games?
I agree with the uncanny valley concept and it applies to many movies that use CGI. Many times it just does not work and it’s just annoying and creepy. I’m working on some paintings that are based on the porno videogame concept. I’ll have them on my website when they’re done.
Have any of your working relationships spawned an online gaming friendship? Have you ever played Larry David in Call of Duty 4? Sniped Bret or Jemaine in Team Fortress?
Unfortunately, I have not formed any video game friendships from working with people in the entertainment industry. The closest thing was playing Ms. Pacman with a fast chip that used to be located in the bar downstairs from the Boston Comedy Club in NYC. Both the club & bar are now closed. Me & my friend Godfrey (a comic) were good – everyone else sucked.
What’s your method to get a Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge to work? I use the blow and beg technique.
You also have to shake it, and if that doesn’t work, you just give your little brother a wedgie and call him names. It doesn’t fix the cartridge, but you do feel better.
I’m a little naive to show business, can you explain to me why a funny as fuck, smart show like 30 Rock was at one time threatened with cancellation while painful shows like Two and a Half Men carry on with success? The same thing happens with video games when a low budget Puppy simulator outsells everything else. This shit blows my mind.
Most people like crap.
If a Judah Friedlander-World Champion game was in development, what kind of game would it be and what would be the objective?
I already have my own video game in the works. Whoever chooses to be ME in the videogame wins every fight and bangs all the hot chicks afterwards. If you choose to be anyone else, you’ll lose. I always win.
Required by journalistic law: desert island question. What movie, video game, book and flavor fruit-rollup would you want to be stuck with?
Starship Troopers, Moon Patrol, the novelization of The Wizard, & strawberry.
I’ve been excited and on the lookout for your upcoming projects Full Grown Men, The Wrestler, and of course 30 Rock.. any info on these releases or anything else you would like to plug?
Full Grown Men on DVD later this year or early next year. The Wrestler later this year. FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS Oct. 7 on DVD. 30 ROCK: SEASON 2 DVD OCT. 7. 30 ROCK season 3 premier Thursday, October 30 930pm. And I have another movie I HATE VALENTINES DAY out next year. I’m doing lots of stand-up, check my website for details. And I promise my CD will come out before Axl Rose’s new one.
Yellow shirts rule.
BCGs RULE!
Too bad that site is dead. That was a funny interview.
man, all your links are dryin’ up.
its an ever changing world i guess.
Yeah well what can I say. That site went and died. We’re still here.
so far.
Since the Juday Frielander interview is gone, I was thinking, how about I do an interview with you. What do you say SJ? Once we’re done, it can be a feature story.
This site isn’t going anywhere as long as I’m around.
uh, well, no one would believe my story, but hell, wouldn’t hurt to get the word out, i guess.
actually i was going to ask if you could use any articles.
as for the site, all i can say is ‘diet and exersize’.
at any rate it remains to be seen if they will allow you to interview me or at least post it.
Ok, well let’s start in. We’ll try o get into a few different areas. My only request is to keep the answers to a reasonable length.
Thanks for agreeing to the interview. Who do you think wouldn’t allow me to interview you or post you. Does this have anything to do with “Murder by Media”?
yes. absolutely. they’ve been manipulating and broadcasting my life for at least 35 years, by my estimate, possibly my entire life. at anyrate, strange things have always been going on since i can remember.
they’ve been trying to strand me here in theBbay Area for over 25 years. now that they’ve succeeded they will not let me go.
they don’t want me to make any statements or form any relationships in the outside world that they don’t control.
who are these people? they are the entertainment media. they are your masters, the harbingers of the coming corperate dictatorship.
why me? good question. because i’m so entertaining i suppose.
i know it sounds crazy, but i think its supposed to.
in fact i will have to weigh my words more carefully or i’ll sound like just another schizophrenic, and not what i really am, the world’s child, the guy everybody loves to hate.
One of the things we can accomplish here is to allow you to get your story out. The entertainment media has no hold over EMToast.
1. How have the entertainment media been manipulating and broadcasting your life.
2. How have they stranded you?
3. How do they control your statements and relationships.
1. they have cameras and microphones in my room, they had them in my car, and they have them at my work. since people are always giving me their old clothes i have no doubts theyre in there as well, as well as tracking devices.
as to how they’ve been manipulating and keeping tabs on me socially, every aquaintence and girlfriend i’ve had has been working for them. remember ‘Total recall’ when arnold starts to remember his mission, and his wife and friends try to kill him because they are working for the agency? i had a similar experience when i finally figured out what had been going on.
2. this time when they got me up here they made sure i cant leave. the propaganda being broadcast against me is so inflamatory now that i cant make ANY friends, no one will hire me, or do a damned thing for me. i have a part time one day a week job at a liquor store a few towns over and i am lucky to have even that. without friends or money i’m pretty stuck, stuck and fucked. they monitor my phone calls and online activity and likely tamper with my maiil too, so i can’t, like, strike up a long distance romance or something and get away that way.
3. because they control my internet activity they can control who i can communicate with. also, they keep sending me these women who like ‘fall in love’ with me after a week or two. this has been going on for over 20 years now. surely you can see the genius in that, these women aren’t interested in me, they just want to be part of this project. the one before last got me heavily involved with meth and really messed me up that way. you know most chicks will do anything to be on TV. i wish they’d send another though. its been a while and i’m pretty horny. (ha ha)
in my late teens they kept sending me guys. i think they wanted me to be gay, but i just wasnt interested.
also they have sent me lots of people preaching white supremecy. i think its safe to say they wanted me to be a nazi, but although i do think its a shame the white race is dying, i’m totally nonviolent and don’t like picking on people.
i’ve always been very suspicious of these neonazis. one had a sister who was jewish. thats bound to make you wonder right there.
i have much more to say on all the previous heads, but i am trying to keep it as short as i can.
i dont feel i need to convince people this is real as i’m sure most people already know about it, at least here on the west coast. i just want people to know that i’m really a loveable guy, and not the monster they see on the screen after the manipulating and editing.
Thanks for trying to keep them brief. We need to keep it digestible.
4. You’ll have to forgive me as an East Coaster, but I’ve never heard anything about this. Have you been on Television or Movies? Where has the media portrayed you in a bad light?
5. Would we know any of the girls they sent to you? Did any of them go on to become famous?
6. For what purpose do you believe the media is doing this to you? What do they get out of it?
maybe i should explain that. keep in mind they had me on meth a number of years, and you know how charming that can make you. also, the women i was with would deliberately push my buttons while i was in stressful situations to make me blow my stack. they did this several times. thats just a couple ways they have used.
4. it is, at present at least, a long running cable television show on Community Access Television. they have several stations in california, especially in the bat are. i believe its channel 29 san francisco. i hired a P.I. to find this stuff out, but he ripped me off and told me i was nuts. so much for his ethics. i then did my own investigation and found out these facts. the woman i used to live with, in her basement, Dana Brownfield, worked at the Irvine Foundation onb Market St. in S.F. (dont worry, she wont dare sue you), C.A.T. channel 29 is down the street from where she worked. She was head of multimedia communications for that ‘non profit’, and frequently put together programing that aired on that station. again, i’l keep it short.
5. many of the women i was with went on to high paying jobs i dont think they really deserved, but it was like a reward or something. some work in entertainment, not as actresses though, one seems to have gotten several vacations out of it, two to europe, and a college education. but what do i get? me, the fuckin star? nada. just a lot of grief and despair.
6. i know its kinda weird, but its my present theory that i’m being prepared as some kind of sacrafice. i believe the show generates charitable revenue to help poor black kids go to college. i have reasons for believing everything i have stated, so if you think its impoirtant to give my reasons, just ask. i’ve had to figure this all out with deductive reasoning alone, oftentimes i’m working with scanty evidence, but i’ve done the best i can.
i m may be gone for 90 minutes or so. i’m expecting company. missionaries from the mormon church actually.
7. Let me understand. There is a cable show that you are on? Do you appear willingly or is this hidden camera stuff. Can we know the name of the show, maybe see some youtube clips about you?
8. Tell us more about this sacrifice? Do you believe you will be killed on TV to generate charitable revenue?
9. I think you could list a few of the top reasons you have come up with for all this happening. I know it’s tough to come up with real answers when you are still looking for them yourself.
10. Do you fear that EMToast will become the victim of some type of media retribution after we publish your story?
oh, and aside from the cable show, which seems to run 24 hrs these days, theres also a web site where you can read all my emails and there are also links to places i am online, and a radio show where they used to broadcast my psychiatric sessions.
Really? What is the website? That sounds interesting.
ineed to go now and prepare for my company. i will be back later, after 8:30 pst.
this whole thing has been flourishing without my consent, knowledge or permission for decades. hopefully i will live long enough to sue these bastards back to the stoneage, but local lawyers hang up on me the second they hear my voice.
anyway, if you think of any more questions, write them down. i will return to answer all in a bit!
check out 7 8 9 10. Take your time. I won’t be back until morning. I think this interview will probably go on for a couple days. No rush. There is a lot for us to cover and on other topics as well.
i dont know the name of the show, web address of the website, or which radio station the radio broadcast was on. naturally the people watching this garbage in my building put on music during the station breaks so i can not hear any of that information. i am only guessing the channel based on the reasons i have given. it may very well NOT be channel 29, although I am pretty sure it is, but i am confident it is community access television. criminal asshole television i calls it. C.A.T., which is why i despise cat people. i generally steer clear of people with cats on their avatars. usually disagreaable bastards anyway.
i know about the website for the reasons you may recall from reading my blog, remember the guy reading my emails in the S.F. mental hospital?
as for the radio show, it seemed everybody knew and was discussing what i talked about in therapy on the busses and in the bart, and people were stopping by my doctor’s office when i was waiting to be seen and asking me what time my appointment was, then leaving. my doctor had no idea who they were. i think its because they heard my sessions on the radio, knew what time they were, and wanted to see what i looked like. also my doctor used to drive me to the bart station after our meeting. he always fiddled with the radio knobs before we left, then tried to engage me in controversial topics of conversation. obviously he was taping or transmitting it. i’m sure he had a set up in his office too, but it didn’t require him to mess with it in front of me.
before i finally confirmed that i was a big star i used to have terrible depression, and, despite this, or because of it, this doctor showed me where in his office he concealed a loaded gun. i mean, WTF!? that right there shows you the ethics of these people.
for a while people were sending me links to youtube. these were people i did not know. they very well may have been links to clips from the show, but, as always, my computer was messed up and i could not view the clips. it was on my myspace account. i should go back and see if those emails are there. they may provide some evidence even if the links no longer work.
again, this whole thing has always been covert. i always had a strange fantasy ever since i was little, that i was being broadcast on tv, maybe it was an intuition. i dunno. i thought for years that i was either crazy or that God was fucking with me, but when i finally heard this show, suddenly everything in my life made sense for the first time and i felt perfectly sane, till i found out there was nothing i could do about it, then i felt crazier than ever.
as for my being killed, thats always a paranoid concern of mine. but realistically, if i die, the show ends, and, as we know, the show MUST go on. i worry that i may be in danger now that i’ve discovered the truth and have threatened to pull a houdini and show up in another town in another part of the country, get a lawyer and get these sunzabitches, but again, they know what a creature of habit i am (they’ve been studying me all my life) so i doubt they take me very seriously.
weird as it may sound to you, because of this show i honestly believe i can do whatever the hell i want and get away with it because the producers of the show will compensate my victims financially. i know because it has happened before, although i did not know it at the time. i don’t take advantage of this fact because now i’m afraid that if they really wanna get me they will just cancel the show and people, and maybe even the police, will come after me and i’ll have to fend for myself. so no thefts, rapes or homicides for me, thank you. actually, i shouldn’t make jokes like that. i believe par of the reason everybody hates me is my sick sense of humor. nothing sacred for me.
i know i’m skipping around here, but to answer #10 while its on my mind, no, i do not think your website is in any danger, they are not concerned about my publicity as they feel they have complete control over that, people not familiar with it will think i’m crazy, and those who know its true hate me from the footage they’ve seen of me so they don’t give a shit about my rights. they should though, because i’m only the beginning. damn you warhol and your 15 minutes of miserable fame!
the only thing they worry about is my making any real money, because then i’d be a threat to them!
keep in mind they did alow me an art career for a short space of time. i showed with robert williams, the pizz, bad otis link, and others of that scene (and mine was the weirdest work there!). i was also in small magazines. Flipside twice, Spazz and Noho, which were two local magazines in the san fernando valley, and exclectic, which i’m sure was one of theres. it had the worst layout i’d ever seen. these people have lots of disposable income. i still have a box of promotional copies of the isseu that featured me. i was even invited to a big party of theres which my intuition warned me not to attend as it was in the very area that ‘Cat’ lived. Cat was supposedly dana’s boyfriend, he was always over messing with her computer, allegedly. although his name was given to me as Catelen, i believe this was a joke of theirs as i really think he worked for C.A.T. and set up many of the hidden microphones and cameras which i know were situated in my room, computer and car. he was a class A jerk. i hated the guy, and the feeling was mutual. besides, dana was an old girlfriend of mine and i am convinced she was in fact a lesbian anyway.
anyway, i never turned a profit on my work. i had to matt and frame all my own work, very detailed pen and ink pieces that took on the average of 100 hours to produce, and the gallery, Galery X in Hollywood, took 60% of the selling price. I never sold anything for over $350, so i always actually lost money.
reasons for all this? naturally i puzzle over that extensively. sometimes i think i must have pissed off some stupidly rich people, likely Jews, who are big in media. but it has been going on since i was a child. perhaps my grandfather gave permission for this show when i was young. i was a bit of a handfull, and the idea that he would be able to materially profit off of me may have appealed to him. someone has suggested that maybe my drug addict mother may have sold me to a television station. although this scenario would make an exellent story, it seems to me unlikely. i do plan on writing a book about this as i believe i am the only person in human history to have been persecuted thus. its a story that needs to be told so that, hopefully i will be the last. but, since these peoiple are media bigshots the chances of it being published while i am alive are slim. curious aside, many people actively encourage me to keep making art even though they have no interest in owning any. “every part of the buffalo”, i bet they plan on making money off my art after i am dead. they have certainly laid the groundwork for my post mortem fame, which, although cool from an art history standpoint, does me no material good while i am alive.
also i have inherited badly damaged manuscripts from a great writer who was once a neighbor of mine, Germinicus Fink, who died of an amphteamine overdose in the mid 90’s, which i intend to fill out and complete. again, i doubt i will ever be able to publish them. he is a voice that deserves to be heard. sort of a shame that making it so has devolved upon me considering my unenviable circumstances.
again, back to how i have been manipulated over the years, they got me involved with drugs big time, and, to a lesser extent, fascist politics. they tried to get me involved in homosexuality, and the heterosexula S&M scene, which, although i was naturally curious, never held any kind of ovewhelming appeal to me. I strongly suspect they have been documenting my sex life. funny how all my girlfriends encouraged me towards strange (to me at least) sexual practices and wanted me to always talk dirty to them. also, whenever we got hotel rooms, it was always the same room and when we checked out, the hotel keepers always looked and behaved towards me in the most curious of ways. they’ve filmed me doing all kinds of stuff that even i, who have long since resigned myself to the fact that i have NO privacy, blush to think about everyone seeing.
as for the ‘sacrafice’, its “give a dog a bad name and hang him”. people have been, over the years, conditioned to despise me. I have been tarred with many stigmatised epithets. they’ve gone out of their way to make sure i represent everything our PC society hates, misogyny, racism, drug addiction, selfishness, dishonesty, you name it. maybe they feel it would be the feel good show of the century if i am raped and murdered by deranged blacks. but again, since it would terminate what must likely be a money making machine this may be my own paranoia. i hope so.
clearly they spend way too much money and effort for all this to be a labor of love. i support way too many peoiple simply by living. plus there are all the pathetic losers who LIVE for this beastly show.
i find it intersting, and also sad and typical of human nature, that not more people feel bad about how this show has twisted me over the years. talk about a glass ceiling. nobody could live through something like this and it NOT affect them in profound and personal ways.
i have encountered some women who were obviously sympathetic, but they were clearly afraid to get involved.
also i have been showered with answering machine phones as gifts over the years. naturally i have gotten rid of all of them, for all the good it will do me.
oh, and get this, one night my neighbors were listening to the Micheal Savage show, which is weird right there as i live in government subsidized housing. dana was on this damned show. i couldn’t hear much of it but that asshole (a walking nazi antisemetic poster in my opinion) was on and on about ‘white trash’ throughout the show. people on public transit were using the word frequently within my earshot too for a while, till i published a blog explaining how the term was overtly racist in and of itself as it implies that if a ‘white person’ isn’t all he thinks he should be, he has no one but himself to blame, while for darker people it should just be expected. that word sure dried up in a hurry around berkely i can tell you!
i think i’ve aswered everything satisfactorily for now. tomorrow i’m at work all day and wont be home till like 9:15ph pst.
i cant help but lament that only i could possibly get myself in a bizarre situation like this. nothing like this has happened to anyone else to my knowledge.
i only pray it will end well. no middle ground, its either “GET RICH OR DIE!”
another aside. it is because of this infernal exploitation that i have never married and started a family. it is also why i never aggressively pursued sexual conquests, aside from the fact women came after me usually, i could never trust anyone, especially women, because i always felt they were keeping big secrets from me, so trust was always a major stumbling block for me. i felt bad for years that i could never get REALLY close to anyone. now that i know why its no wonder. ironic how my ‘fame’ has actually prevented me from enjoying my life to the fullest. but again, this was never intended to benefit me. i have been made an unwitting tool by designing people with wicked intentions. talk about a wasted life. pisses me off when people say stuff like ‘how watching me ruin my life puts their own in perspective’. that only goes to show what brain washed hate zombies they are. i never had a chance even to ruin my life. my life has never been my own. but everyone goes out of their way to do any little chickenshit thing they can to mess me up. social workers have deliberately sabotaged my education and vocational rehabilitation, cashiers intentionally pass me counterfeit bills frequently and short change me, and i dont even want to go into what all the losers in my building put me through on a daily basis. all this stuff was created and transmitted without my knowledge or consent, yet i am neverendingly being punished for it. i know life aint fair, but DAMN!!
Thanks. I think that’s enough for now. I’ll come up with some more questions and get back to you soon.
ok. i’m off to work for today. i’ll be back later tonight.
maybe this will finally bring me some help. my neighbors were really mad last night and people were having loud arguments last night, worse than usual, and people are ignoring me and sending me viruses on fb. thats out of the ordinary so i take it as a good sign.
they dont like to see ANY changes in my life, those petty bastards!
gotta hand it to these media dinks, they really know how to write a trashy good show. if i had went for everything they’ve thrown my way i’d be a gay nazi with a serious drug habit living in Berkeley. NOW THATS ENTERTAINMENT!!
I think this EMToast interview just might bring those media bastards to their knees.
11. Do you ever feel like maybe you were meant to be a cannibal or a vampire. Sometimes when I look at the side of a pretty girl with one of those belly shirts I think that meat probably tastes really good. Did you ever get that feeling?
12. How about ghosts. I’ve seen a few in my day. Got any real ghost stories?
ok. has somebody gotten to you and enticed you to make light of all this? i can tell from the tone of a lot of these questions that you think this is something of a joke, but obviously, especially considering my history, i think its a given that i can go along with a gag.
11. i’ve no idea what human meat tastes like, but i’ve heard from a few different sources that it tastes like pork. that would make sense as both humans and swine are omnivores. if this is the case, i’m sure its very tasty. naturally i think i’d enjoy devouring an attractive female much more than some stringy, chewy guy. i think i’d like to have the ladies barbecued and made into tostadas. but hunting humans can be very risky. i’d hate to find myself cornered in some old windmill by irate villagers with pitchforks and torches.
being a vampire doesn’t appeal to me, aside from the immortality part. also i’d hate to be limited to a salty, liquid diet.
12. as for ghosts, well, once when i was really young i was walking by a house everyone told me was haunted. i looked up to the second story bedroom window and saw a blank white face staring out. really gave me the creeps. but i was so young (and i was also a very imaginative child) this very well could have been some kind of self induced hallucination.
when i was a bit older and no one was home, i walked around the side of our house and heard some of the chairs scraping along the floor. as i said, NO ONE WAS HOME! also there was a space in the house i could never account for, between the bathroom and my sister’s room, it was about eight by six feet. i have often wondered if maybe that area wasn’t inhabited by someone or something. i always felt there was some other presence in the house beside just my family. a few people have also told me they felt the presence of some unwholesome entity lurking in the room i occupied. i’m not referring to myself obviously.
You got it wrong. Nobody got to me. I haven’t made light of your story one bit. I’ve listened and not judged you in any way. It is all a bit heavy and I think we covered the media portion of it enough. I wanted to get into some comedy to lighten it up at the end to leave people with a good feeling.
13. What’s the craziest/funniest thing one of your bosses has said to you? I’ve had a variety from “I came up sour” to “Use Mark’s brute strength? I know you’ve got some good ones.
er, hmmm. “you don’t work here anymore.”?
i’ll see if i cant remember anything else…..
what about aliens? you never asked me about that. how about if i met any other celebrities?
how bout my acid trips? theres something for a seperate interview.
14. Have you ever met an alien, a celebrity, or perhaps an alien celebrity? Tell us of your otherworldly experiences.
i see alien celebrities all the time here in Berkeley and San Fransisco. people don’t notice them as they usually look like crazy street people or stuck up business executives. i know who they are though as i’ve seen them before on intergalactic psychic television. earth dumpster food is considered a very desirable delicacy, and the well to do flock here from all over the universe to enjoy it and relax in our homeless shelters which are popular vacation resorts for aliens, these days at least. its sort of a fad with them. they are even weirder about fads than our Japanese. the ones who look like executives are actually working here to enslave mankind through media. ultimately they want to make earth a brothel for their military. i know this which is why they are spying on me via transvisible secret police psychic radio. also i know that you have been sending coded messages for them through your website. however i know that i am to be the savior of mankind. i had a vision while on acid waiting for a bus back in ’81 where the top of my head opened up like a flower and i ascended to heaven where i met Venus. she said to me, “son of Mars, yours is a great trial for you will suffer much, but do not despair,for you will triumph and free your race from the abominations from behind the sun beyond the void.” then i saw a river of gold coins bearing my likeness and a colossal statue of me with a sword in my hand slaying a grotesque creature which i can not describe. so watch out mctoast, i have my eye on YOU! your days and those of your blasphemous brothers are numbered on our world. take heed!
excuse me now, i need to sweep up all the cigarette butts and beer cans and go out to the drug store for some cherry scented personal lubrication.
15. I’ve heard you are a sleepwalker. What of the allegation that dreams and reality are basically the same thing when you are a sleepwalker?
these rumors that i am a somnambulist are merely the most recent examples of the derogatory propaganda being disseminated by both my Zionist and alien enemies who wish to thwart my noble mission to free mankind from nefarious slavery.
there was a short spell in the late 90’s where i used to go sleep driving. once i woke up in a motel 6 in cucamonga, which really sucked as i had a job interview with IBM in Burbank that i had to miss.
i didn’t get the job.
FINAL: Okay. Thanks SJ. I think we’ve probably covered it all. Any closing statements you would like to make before we wrap it up? Perhaps a brief message or a warning you’d like to transmit along with the “coded messages” EMToast is sending out to the media.
yes. just one thing.
“May God have mercy on your miserable souls.”
God told me to pass this along to…
“HARKEN UNTO THE WORD OF THE LORD THY GOD, SONS OF DUST THAT YE MAY SAVE YOURSELVES! WO UNTO YOU UNWORTHY SINNERS, GENERATION OF VIPERS, TAKE IT NOT UPON YOURSELVES TO DEFY ME YET AGAIN AND CRUCIFY MY ONLY BEGOTTEN SON TWICE OR I SHALL SMITE YOUR SEED MIGHTILY AND PUT A CURSE UPON THEE WHICH WILL HUMBLE YOU BRFORE THE ABOMINATIONS WHICH I HAVE CREATED TO PUNISH THEE FOR THY TRANSGRESSIONS!
THUS SAYETH THE LORD THY GOD, THE GOD OF ABRAHAM AND MOSES, AND YAY, HARPO, ZEPPO AND GUMMO TOO WERE MY PROPHETS. BE LIKEN UNTO THEM AND HEED MY WARNING! LEST A HAIR ON MY SON’S HEAD BE HARMED OR PUSHED OUT OF PLACE, WO UNTO YOU MANKIND FOR ALL THE PLAGUES OF THE OLD TESTAMENT SHALL RAIN DOWN ON YOU AND THE LIVING WILL ENVY THE DEAD. THUS SAYETH THE LORD THY GOD!!”
-end transmission-
Thats all folks
Thanks for the interview SJ. Great job. It’s going to take me a while to sort it all out, but I think we have enough that it should turn out well.
If you have any artwork or pictures you want me to include with the story, send them to “emtoast.com@gmail.com”
Thanks.
my show is really big on other worlds, which is the primary reason it is made. i am actually an organic cyborg engineered to be super humanly entertaining. a penchant for amphetamines and opiates and a through the roof over active sex drive are some of the unintentional side affects of my programming. my most successful pick up line with the earth babes has been, “hey baby, i’m famous on Mars. you wouldn’t think that would work, but it puts women into a suggestible hypnotic state when i say it, and they are putty in my lascivious hands.
i’m sure i have more ghost stories, but, as its a topic of conversation that hasn’t come up in at least 30 years, i just can’t recollect any others presently.
people know i’m not really crazy. what frustrates me is that they still don’t believe me, rather they get really cross with me and accuse me of ‘fucking with peoples’ heads. i assure you i am not. sometimes i wish i was just crazy. then people would WANT to help me.
i wrote out a bunch of copy today. some of its a little redunant so i’d rather not post it here in public. if its ok with you could you send me a private email address and i could send it to you? you may be able to edit it and use it in the interview.
thats only SOME of the people that know i’m not crazy. the rest are just shallow idiots who laugh at me.
laugh while you still can is all i have to say, fools.
shit, i need to go to bed.
hell, here it is….
everything they say and imply about me is negative and derogatory. ‘i’m a sexual deviant, i’m rude and unpleasant, i have a penchant for hard drugs &tc…”
although they go on about how crazy i am (who wouldn’t be considering the life i have lived?!), one thing they do not say is that i’m stupid (even though they obviously assume that i am considering what they are trying to get away with).
I believe they are trying to make me out to be some kind of evil genius. what other historical figure is portrayed as very smart, yet totally insane and had artistic ambitions? Adolf Hitler, that’s who. Somehow i feel that since this has been done to me primarily by Jews in the media its all about what they wish they could have done to Hitler. So, sick as it is, they have tried to make me into a sort of contemporary Hitler they can foil and punish with all their 21st century media tools. I don’t know this for sure, its kind of an amusing theory I’ve had for a while, although this is the first time I’ve stated it. infantile wish fulfillment, beyond a doubt, but again, i’ve never considered these pricks to be very deep or profound. most greedy, worldly people aren’t anyway.
actually, no true Nazi would take me seriously as a Fuhrer, I’m mostly Anglican Irish and Sicilian. Sicilians, as you know, have a lot of African in them from all the Moorish invasions, and those Nazis see their racism as pure science, so, if they wanted to be hard asses i probably wouldn’t even be allowed to join the party.
this is all pure speculation and i could very well be making too much of this. likely they are doing this to me just because they can. since i have always been wary of mass media and have avoided all forms of passive entertainment maybe they saw an opportunity here, and since i was so freakin’ hilarious to watch, and easily lead they have just been making the most of it. actually i find it hard to believe they really think i am evil, otherwise why have they devoted so much effort making me APPEAR so. they have lots of money, and since i have very little, and they seem to have all the lawyers, at least locally, in their back pockets, as well as the blank minds of the masses, they feel confident they can do as they please with me. so far, this has indeed been the case.
ironically, the show overextends itself in its maniacal desire to control and manipulate not only me, but the community. for example, i know one of their overriding goals is that i be a hopeless drug addict, but, since they also encourage people to take me for everything i am worth, i can not get a reasonable deal from the scumbag dealers. i would be spending like $300 for an eighth and it would be cut so bad that i doubt there was a nickles worth of dope in it. since everybody agrees that i’m not stupid, i saw no reason to continue on in that way. it just wasn’t cost effective to continue doing drugs. so i stopped, albeit reluctantly, but i really had no choice. i have other habits i need to support as well, like eating.
one thing i’ve heard from some of these ‘true believers’ that never fails to really irk me is ‘how watching me mess up my life makes them feel good about themselves as it helps them put their own lives in perspective’. well, one thing i should like to ask these mindless hate zombies is ‘when have i even had an opportunity to mess up my own life? my life has never even been my own’. i am very sure had any of my smarmy critics been subjected to anything a fraction as leading and limiting as i have they would all now be homeless basket cases. but clearly that would be the end conclusion of a very long involved train of thought that most of these passive viewers would be incapable of even initiating. obviously this entire ordeal has left me with a very low opinion of the common man. i’m pretty much disgusted with the world and people in general. if i was really the devil, i’d send them all to hell in a second.
what the hells happened to the world where they put their idle entertainments before personal freedom and liberty? its worse than ancient Rome and their “Games”. ah yes, fun and games. i’m standing in a corner of the colosseum,blunted sword in my hand, facing a mongrel horde of exotic warriors imported from all the far flung corners of the empire.
i’m being cruelly crucified on coast to coast prime time television for the pleasure and amusement of the drunken plebs. what a revoltin’ development! i’m mortified!!
as i said, i USED to suffer from pretty bad depressions, however that has changed since i found out about all this. “they didn’t want me so they made me a star”. its actually the highest flattery that they have seen me as such a powerful threat to the status quo that they shamelessly use all the most powerful tools of espionage and the mass media to try and control me and hold me down. its sick, but i take it as a very high compliment.
even before they began trying to fashion me into this monster they are promoting i believe i was a real potential threat to these rich thought merchants. i never really bought into this ‘consumer culture’ that is devouring our souls. doubtless, money is important, but it is not everything. there are more important things in life. all this PC bullshit they are pushing is only a mask for their real agenda. we all get screwed the same, no, worse than ever, but we only hear kind words as they are doing so. the whole thing just makes me want to puke. the blatant hypocrisy alone is spiritually nauseating.
on my bad days i’ll even be afraid to leave my room. it can be very stressful. i only go out when its absolutely necessary, like for food and supplies. i really feel like i’m in one of those B movies where everybody is infected with some space virus and has changed into a flesh eating zombie and i am the last human being on earth. i believe Vincent Price was in an old black and white movie like that. it can be very hard on me. the evil doctor who showed me the gun and used to broadcast my sessions used to give me good drugs though. that really helped. my favorite combination was ritalin and vicodin i could face nearly anything on that shit! but really, i shouldn’t need drugs just to face my day to day life. these media shlockmiesters need to pay for their heinous crimes, but they never will as long as people are so lazy that they gladly surrender their ability to think for themselves in favor of some lame reality tv X-rated soap opera. a thing like this really does things to a guy. its given me quite a complex psychosis, two thirds exhibitionism and one third paranoia. by exhibitionism i dont mean just things like having sex in public or posting pictures of yourself banging sluts or masturbating on the internet, but you find yourself doing bizarre things while your alone because you know your being watched and you want to either shock or entertain your invisible audience. having been in entertainment nearly all my life i have become a natural performance artist. seems everything i do is to amuse people. the art, the writing, the way i act, it all for the benefit of others. thats why its so cruel they have recently jerked this show to the left so hard. there are several reasons why it has become so wholly negative, and from what i know, all of them are mean and petty. people just flat out suck. theres just no way i will willingly die for their pathetic, childish amusement. What the hell is wrong with you people anyway?!
You all need to ask yourselves ‘if they are allowed to get away with doing this to him, where will it end?’
oh, and you thilly goothe, your sending messages to the aliens, NOT earth media, get it right or the Lord will smite thee mightily, and believe me, you dont want that.
Wait are the aliens the good guys or the bad guys in this?
unless youre looking forward to being pounded by an alien warrior’s multi pronged penis, i’d say bad guys.
obviously i started the interview in earnest and i was serious and truthful in all my answers, but then when the questions got, eh, ‘;tongue in cheek’, i guess, i just played along, so i guess it will be an editing nightmare as its so inconsistent.
seriously though, don’t let the fact that i am so good natured fool you, this is really a life or death situation for me. these people are out to snuff me. i can see its entirely up to me to save myself. it doesnt look good though as its just me against billions of delusional idiots. this thing just never ends.
this comunity is sick, they’ve hospitalized me several times and made me take these useless antipsychotics, but none of this works as it has no affect on reality. bunch of immoral, unethical slime balls running this state i can tell you.
we’ll see who laughs last.
GOOD DAY!
“the scientific manipulation of public opinion was necessary to overcome chaos and conflict in a democratic society.” Trust Us p 42
These early mass persuaders postured themselves as performing a moral service for humanity in general – democracy was too good for people; they needed to be told what to think, because they were incapable of rational thought by themselves. Here’s a paragraph from Bernays’ Propaganda:
“Those who manipulate the unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested largely by men we have never heard of.
This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.
In almost every act of our lives whether in the sphere of politics or business in our social conduct or our ethical thinking, we are dominated by the relatively small number of persons who understand the mental processes and social patterns of the masses. It is they who pull the wires that control the public mind.”
As 1920s spin pioneers like Ivy Lee and Edward Bernays gained more experience, they began to formulate rules and guidelines for creating public opinion. They learned quickly that mob psychology must focus on emotion, not facts. Since the mob is incapable of rational thought, motivation must be based not on logic but on presentation.
actually, i would not flatter this childich endeaver with the name ‘conspiracy’ as that indicates a level of sophistocation which is clearly beyond them. since i’ve never followed media, and certainly not television, this has all ripened without my knowledge, and now that its turned entirely evil, i’m caught by it.
for now at least.