TNA Impact! Wrestling Review aka How I Paralyzed My Baby Bro

There was a point in time that I was a total wrestling junkie. I can admit this with no shame in my game because it was in the early 90’s and around the same time I was also wearing a Napalm Death t-shirt and masturbating to a pre-self inflicted headshot splattered Savannah. I remember an instance when I was reenacting moves with my younger brother, who was probably around 8 years old at the time. For some reason, all logic escaped my brain and I delivered a pretty solid back-breaker to him. The exact moment his pre-teen spine connected with my bony knee I knew I done fucked up. I stared in horror as he lay on the carpet motionless and sobbing gently. Holy shit, I paralyzed my baby brother. Now I will have to live a life of servitude to my crippled sibling and be subject to daily colostomy bag draining and trying to get him to eat by playing airplane with a spoon. Thanks for the great influence Ric Flair, you albino haired flamerod. Luckily my brother rose to his feet after a few time-freezing moments and I probably ended up just giving him a DDT a half hour later.

I still really have no interest at all in this sport that ranks so high in the pastimes of Midwestern jug blowers. I’m actually convinced these video games are only produced so the wrestling organizations can track the sales trends and target the exact location of their demographic. Why should they pack up the squared circle and bring the road show to someplace like Newark? The locals there are only interested in going to see the new Flo rida- Ignorant as Fuck tour.

On to the game, first you can use the create-a-wrassler function to obviously make the most hideous abomination your mind can conjure up. My dude is a chubby, balding gentleman with a green face and white pupils. His favorite colors are pink and green. Then you basically just get all intimate with other oiled up dudes. The controls are kind of sketchy, so sometimes you want to go into the patented Reverse Dry Hump special move, but you end up just miming the act of Montezuma’s Revenge in a public bathroom hover-squat. I’m so uninspired to describe anymore of this grappling game. I wish I could still play Royal Rumble in the arcades, but consoles put them all out of business. That’s another rant for another time.

My rating for TNA Impact! Wrestling for the Xbox 360 – 2 homoerotic tales of young men rubbing their nipples together while grabbing each others groins in front of a sold out stadium in Tennessee out of 5.