“Throw away the Neil Diamond cassette and I’ll go down on you”

As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days.  The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them.  I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch.  And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy. 

At my first job, I worked with this guy who drove a powder blue ford escort.  He was the kind of guy who played football, but only because his Dad made him.  The kind of guy who would after work open his car door, sit down with his legs hanging out of the car and take his boots off while saying “man my dogs are barking tonight” He was practically another Fonz.

When a Fonzie gives you advice, you listen.  According to Fonzie, you can never trust a woman.

When one of them is going down on you, you always have to be ready for them to bite.  Keep your thumbs up. So if they bite you, just push your thumbs into their eyes until they let go.  Always keep your thumbs up Fonzie said.

One day I met his girlfriend.  She said that I was “scarier than the dark.” She still had both eyes though, so I guess she was alright.