Supa-Man Lova: All Star Superman & Superman: Kryptonite TPB Reviews
When I was about 6 years old I had a Dad crafted fort in my back yard. It was basically just 3 pieces of wood nailed together to form a triangle with a back on it and a curtain for the door. All I had in there was a Superman movie poster and a little lock box that I kept crackers, pepperoni, and a few Superman comics in. It was my mini-me fortress of solitude. Flash forward a few years and I wanted shit to do with Superman. The average brooding teenager couldn’t connect with the super-hero equivalent of the all-American jock. A super square power chin holder with the morals of a boy scout. Fuck that! We also can not forget the abysmal Lois & Clark show. Dean Cain looked like he was modeling for the Sears Halloween circular all while trying to recruit new members to N.A.M.B.L.A. I was more interested in things like an undead goth make-up flaunting crow magnet who belted out rocking guitar riffs in the rain and sought revenge against spastic thugs who had cool catch phrases like, “Fire It Up!”. I bet you didn’t know emo was born at the exact moment Brandon Lee delivered the line, “It can’t rain all the time.” As usual, I’m getting off topic and rambling about The Crow. Anyway, now that I’m older, my shunning of traditional heroes has gone the way of JNCO’s and I’m ready to give the squeak-squeaky clean do-gooder with the S on his chest another try.
On recommendation I scooped up two Supe trades: All Star Superman and Superman: Kryptonite. I had high hopes for Kryptonite due to the art being done by personal fave Tim Sale. My standards for eye pleasing aesthetics were met, but unfortunately the story was comparable to the Superman themed FreeFall ride at Six Flags. One minute your 10 stories up preparing for a thrilling experience, the next your feet are severed at the ankles from a finally freed revenge obsessed mechanical cable. The All Star title was more in my favor. In one of the collected issues, Supes gives the mutha of all birthday gifts to Lois Lane by bestowing to her the wealth of his powers for a day. The two fly around and do some inane shit, but I’m totally convinced he granted her his strengths so he can finally bang her out without pushing her uterus through her esophagus. Most mortal females couldn’t handle human based Dirk Diggler girth, so its only logical a krypton crotch pounding from Kal-El would do some irreparable damage.
Ratings:
Superman: Kryptonite – 3 Christopher Reeve hate harboring horses with a thought bubble above their snout reading “get off my back bitch!” out of 5.
All Star Superman – 5 veiny rock hard Lois Lane impaling super schlongs out of 5.
Forts are the greatest thing when you are a kid. When I was little my friends and I had one up in a tree and we would cook cheerios over a candle and call them tostitos. Consumers of shop-rite corn chips, we were all too poor to know what real tostitos even were. The one kid’s mom was brazilian and was pretty nice. She brought us out hot dogs one time with this special sauce that I have yet to this day been able to recreate.
I always put ketchup and mustard on my dogs, because my theory is that is what the main ingredients are, but it doesn’t really come close. I want that brazilian hot dog sauce dammit.
I still have my vhs copy of the crow around here somewhere. Fire it up is one of the best chants around. There were no less than 5 occassions and I would drive around yelling fire it up whilst punching at the car roof interior.
I read one issue of all star and i agree it’s good. I can’t wait to see lois lane crush clark’s balls with her hand until they become diamonds, apple daily news style.
I remember the kid next door had a fort, but it was just some old shutters leaned up against the side of a cliff in the woods, he said it had a bathroom and a bubble gum machine. It just had a metal pole sticking out of the ground that supposedly was a gumball machine at one time back in the olden days(yeah in the middle of the woods on the side of a cliff) as for the bathroom, this kid would just shit on the other side of the shutters and wipe his ass with leaves or greasy rags from the nearby parking lot. For some reason I never liked hanging out at his fort.
I always thought that when Superman shot his wad all his little super squiggles would blast millions of microscopic holes in the lady and then she would die a horrible death similar but far worse than when you grind up glass and slip it into someones sandwiches,anyway I thought they would keep swimming for ever shooting through everything in their path like Ridley Scott alien blood, they would go on forever and ever destroying everything. I bet the only way he could stop them is if he shot them into his own mouth and chewed them up. eww that’s gross.
I bet there is no such thing as ebola, it’s just Superman sperm shooting through the world, drilling tiny holes into everyone they come in contact with and making them bleed to death.
Superman was always my third favorite superfriend, behind Aquaman and Gleek, and not that hook handed Kurt Cobain looking grunge Aquaman, the o.g. who hung out with totally unrealistic looking cartoon walruses, I swear it was the guy from chilly willy moonlighting. man I cried so hard when they tricked Aquaman into diving into a pool of alcohol, that was some scary shit. Im still pissed that they never had Aquaman underoos available to little chicklets. I had to settle for wonder woman, whereas my brother had the pick of every fucking super hero out there, I got gyped!
I swear you got that Crow vhs tape from me in one of our historic trades. I’ve never seen a PS1 change hands so many times.
that tape came from blockbuster. My dad has it now.
I think I really did get that tape from you. That place was the underground commerce hub of the whole area. Lots of deals to be had back in those days. Now everybody just sells there used shit on ebay to some out of state strangers which sucks because it means never change your mind and trade back later.
I read a really good graphic novel a few years ago but i can’t remember what it was. It was superman and batman and they were old and one of them had some kind of weird metal exoskeleton and they were in a huge fight because like superman fucked wonderwoman and batman was pissed or some shit because they like got married or something, it was totally crazy. what was that?
I believe you are thinking of Frank Millers The Dark Knight Returns. That sounds bout’ right.
yeah that was it!
i like how top search result for “aquaman dives into pool of alcohol” on google is this post.
what kind of sick bastard does a google search for “aquaman dives into a pool of alcohol”?
DC comics?
Puh-lease!!!
The implication placed on Batman is gay you idiot. But go as far as you want on bad mouthing “super”man!!
I live in my own comic book.
Someday they’ll have me kill aquaman and take over the world and I’ll castrate all the men and impregnate all the women and start my own race of atomic supermen!!
In the mean time I’m a mild mannered soda jerk.