Rule #2073: Never Lie to Your Kids

Don’t lie to kids or withhold the truth from them. Most little kids are smarter than you give them credit for, mostly because their skulls are still pretty soft and they have more blood flow to their brains. Yeah there are some stupid kids, some kids are just born that way just like assholes, anyway lets get to the point.

That lie you tell your kid to “protect” them is basically going to come back and bite you in the ass.  Your kid is going to find out and have you pegged as a liar and never put any credence into anything you ever tell them again, and they will probably grow up to a disillusioned cynical asshole that will do the opposite of everything you tell them, or you could be investigated by the police. You are opening the door to Bizarro world parenting and you do not want to go there.

Here is a prime example:

One afternoon when I was a wee child I was playing Transformers next door with the neighbor boy in their driveway. His older  brother Chris was busy gutting live catfish in the dirt, they would squirm about  dulling their shine as they kicked up clouds of dirt and their skin dried out under the hot sun.  He would spear them in the head with his fishing knife or hook his fingers into their gills and pull their heads apart.  He would periodically smear guts on the dryer vent on  the side of the house or throw bits of them at his brother.

He terrified me, but I wouldn’t let it show, because I didn’t want to be showered in catfish guts or worse.

After a while of battling Transformers I heard my mothers bare feet angrily slapping towards me on the pavement.

“Get your stuff and get in the house now! Come on, say goodbye to Lawrence and get in the house. “

I reluctantly gathered up my Optimus Prime and Bumblebee and headed home with her. I didn’t dare defy her in front of people, she was unpredictable like a wild animal and there was no telling how embarrassing her wrath would be. I once had to drive around with my family for an entire Sunday in my underwear because I wouldn’t get up and get dressed.

Inside the house I asked her why I had to come in, because it wasn’t anywhere near dinner time.

She told me Chris had done something very bad and I wasn’t allowed over there unless his mom was home.  She said she couldn’t tell me what he had done.  No matter how many times I asked her  she would just say I can’t tell you, or it’s not for you to know, or don’t worry about it.  I wouldn’t let up and kept asking and asking and finally she said, he is a very bad kid, he did the worst thing you can think of.

So I thought it over for a good long time and was now more terrified than ever of him. I had come to the conclusion that he had cut a woman’s  baby out of her stomach with his fishing knife.