Man Shocked to Learn Most of His Opinions Not Actually His Own

Randy Phillips of Columbus, Ohio received the shock of his life last Tuesday when researchers informed him that a full 87% of his personal opinions and beliefs did not actually originate from his own independent thought.

“I really prided myself on thinking for myself. Turns out I’m mostly just a product of media echo chambers and online algorithms,” a stunned Phillips said after receiving the analysis showing the majority of his stances were simply absorbed from viral posts, partisan pundits, and targeted advertising.

Researchers determined that while Phillips believed he had carefully considered viewpoints on politics, social issues, brands, restaurants, best places to live, parenting techniques, and more before arriving at his own unique conclusions, his views almost perfectly aligned with the dominant perspectives of his various social media feeds and chosen cable news channel without any evidence of original consideration.

The analysis further showed Phillips has shared thousands of posts containing pre-packaged opinions over a 5 year period which he mistakenly identified as “my take” or “my view” rather than the reactive talking points they truly were, merely amplified from his preferred media sources.

“I just assumed the profound wisdom coming across my feeds which I agreed with and shared was the product of my discerning judgment and free-thinking mind,” Phillips lamented while reconsidering his supposed status as an independent brain with an identity all his own. “Turns out I’m more of a content distribution node than a person at this point.”