Horrorscopes for the Week of September 15th
Aries Your intestinal fortitude will be put to the test by weeks end. Fret not dear Aries those parasites can’t last forever, or can they? Best to stay away from tacos for the next 3 lunar cycles. Be on guard against Robotic attacks until further notice.
Cancer This week you will venture into the dens of wickedness and learn what the true nature of the crab is. Use the cream as instructed and all will turn out well. Your arch nemesis will make their appearance known to you on the 16th. Remember that monsters are real.
Taurus It will serve you well to stay away from crowds and tall buildings this week. Your character will be called into question on the 19th, stay strong and you will come out on top. A collaboration is destined to go horribly awry, but do not give up hope.
Gemini Your feelings of insecurity are not unwarranted, it will be in your best interest to keep it to yourself. You are being watched. Stay away from power lines and small animals on the 17th.
Leo You will be contacted by someone from your distant past, do not dismiss what they have to say, but do not act upon it. You will discover your latent psychic abilities on Saturday.
Virgo This week you will be paying for past mistakes. A Sugar parent is in your future and you just might find them this week, but it would serve you well dear Virgo to stay out of the spotlight towards the end of the week.
Libra You will find it hard to express yourself this week, it feels as if everyone is judging you. They are. An altercation with a sanitation engineer will have you smiling on Thursday. The number 42 will come to good use this week.
Scorpio You will boil over with hatred this week, take heed and do not scald those around you that are undeserving of your heat. If you play your cards right, you can stay out of jail.
Sagittarius You are going to be persecuted to the full extent of the law. Be smart and you will get out with your wits and your o-ring intact. It’s only 3 years.
Capricorn No matter what you do this week, you are going to be an emotional wreck, but try not to drink too heavily. Remember Dear Capricorn to put new batteries in your smoke detector by the 20th.
Aquarius While you think you are loved by all, people are plotting against you. Stay away from Gemini until Wednesday, your life depends on it. A new pet is in your future this week, be sure you can handle the responsibility and are willing to take on an unexpected attack that will damage your face horribly in the near future.
Pisces The week will start off with a bang. Be sure to star 67 any bomb threats made between Monday and Wednesday. You are going to come into some wealth within the next 27 years, Start planning now. Don’t bother waking up on the 20th.
it’s all coming true!!
I hope this is an ongoing feature. Good shit. I can’t believe I will face off with a sanitation worker this week. **FIIIINALLY!**
every week suckahs! damn it, what is everyone a libra?
Don’t worry, I know for a fact we have non-libra readers. They’re just quiet. I mean with all these libras hogging the limelight cane you blame them. I mean 3 on one site. It’s ludicrous! If things don’t let up soon, I’ll be forced to rename the site LEM Libra Entertainment Media.
oh my god, a black cat and a rabbit tried to attack me last night, it’s all coming true!! good thing i stayed away from the power lines, who knows what could have happened. I can’t wait for next week’s horrorscopes!
I haven’t had any altercations with any sanitation engineers yet this week. Afraid that I might not have one , I tried to provoke one by pouring a cup of coffee into the wastepaper basket by my desk at work and putting non-recyclables in the recycling container. The week isn’t over yet.
Our sanitation engineers dumped red paint in the street in front of the house. No altercations either though because they weren’t caught.