Horrorscopes for the Week of Santa Please-Put-The-Robot-Back-In-Christmas Week

ARIES: Don’t count on getting shit for Christmas, Santa has had it with you. You know, you have been pretty lucky so far,  he hasn’t beat you. You been pretty lucky…remember that.

CAPRICORN: Who do you think you’re fooling? Santa knows that you’re a Jehovah’s Witness.  Unless you defect, and you know how dangerous that can be, you aren’t going to get a Christmas present Ever! And you are going to die never having known the joy of opening Jesus’ Birthday Presents!

SAGITTARIUS: Expect a visit from the Krampus. You had better double up on your underpants if  you want to survive his switch whipping. You will be rewarded in the end with a rhinestone sticker set for your Nintendo DS and maybe some ribbon candy to break your teeth on.

SCORPIO: You and that Capricorn bastard had better knock off the shit, Santa knows you’re Jewish, You have 8 days. You don’t need another. Enjoy your dreidel and your chocolate coins, kids that get serviced by Santa only get shitty candy canes and ribbon candy that busts out your teeth if they are lucky, otherwise they get a beating from the Krampus and maybe ass raped.  Be thankful you got some nice chocolate from the Chanuka Zombie.

LIBRA: Don’t worry dear Libra, even though you haven’t been swept away by the Christmas spirit, all hope is not lost, it will find you. On Thursday your father will greet  the holiday season in the traditional way, with a “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS” and maybe a door slam for good measure.

VIRGO: Don’t piss off the Kwanzaa Bot or you will end up in a world of hurt and your Kwanzaa name will be mud.  Just don your kufi,  light your Kinara,  drink your libations and everything will be cool.

CANCER: You are going to find out  the hard way that people know of your evil Christmas ways from  last year. Remember that the pen that someone gave you with your name engraved on it that you then re gifted to someone else the next day, because you were too lazy to actually look at it, well it was discovered and now you aren’t going to get anything but dirty looks for Christmas.

PISCES: You and your two sisters are going to be sold to the  Australian government and offered up to Santa as a sacrificial replacement for the three  HOs  they took from him last year with their ban.

GEMINI: Just because you are going to get a present from a secret Santa at work, doesn’t mean that you fit in and people like you.  Someone got strong armed into participating in that shit, they went around to everyone in the office asking, no pleading, if they would trade names but everyone refused.  Unlike everyone else, you will find out who your secret Santa is, it will be the person who doesn’t show up for work the day after the Christmas party because the committed suicide because of the unbearable shame of having to get a Christmas gift for you.

TAURUS: You are going to get some fucked up shit for Christmas, Just be prepared…That’s all I can say. I don’t know maybe you want to open your gifts in private, or maybe just cancel Christmas all together, because the shit is going to be seriously fucked up shit…For real, like you may never recover from it…Think about it.

AQUARUS: Beware of animatronic Santas bearing jerky.  If you soak the fruit cake with an entire bottle of Jack Daniels(the sea monkey free variety) you can be totally wasted before noon and no one will be able to tell you you’re an alcoholic because it’s cake and they serve that at AA meetings sometimes and how can you get drunk from cake.

LEO: You will look back  on all those Christmas mornings where you cried and cried because all you got for Christmas was socks wrapped in tinfoil and red hot sausages made from cow lips and the one Christmas when  your mom wouldn’t stop the car so you could get out and get your Godzilla that you dropped, and she sped off and you could see your godzilla out the back window of  the gremlin.  He was all cold and small and Godzilla on the wet ground as the rain poured down and you felt a little part of your soul die, and your soul will die just a little bit more, when you remember it,  Fucking Christmas.