Horrorscopes for the Week of October 19th

Capricorn-

Remember it is better to kick someone in the back than to punch him or her in the face. You can even kick them in the back of the knees while you’re at it. You are going to learn a valuable lesson on Wednesday, and it could possibly involve beavers.

Virgo-

Stop working so hard; it won’t get you anywhere. On Friday you will invest $300 into something completely worthless, find someone else you can trick into doing the same thing, that way you don’t feel so bad about yourself. Tainted milk will have you feeling down on Thursday.

Aquarius-

Stop thinking you can change the world; it’s not going to happen. Sure you grew up to join the dregs of society, but take heart dear Aquarius, The waiters and garbage men of the world may not be nearly as important as the astronauts and princesses, but they can wake people up at 6 a.m. by throwing metal garbage cans, and they can shit in their food. When does an astronaut or a princess ever get to do that.

Taurus-

Spend some time with family On Wednesday. They will keep you focused and remind you of how far you haven’t come. Remember as long as you have them, you will never run out drama.

Gemini-

Be prepared for a dark and gloomy Monday. Be the office hero, by calling in a bomb threat. Work on setting goals this week. You may get into some social trouble this week. Get the heat off of you by starting a vicious rumor about someone else.

Pisces-

Lay low this week. Remember the tallest blade of grass is the first to get cut, so make yourself invisible and you’ll stay in the game. Pal around with a schizophrenic this week, they will introduce you to a way of thinking that you never knew was possible.

Cancer-

Schadenfreude will have you giggling on Tuesday. Do something nice for yourself on Thursday, floss. Organized religion is in your future, they will be knocking on your door on Sunday, open it and you might be surprised.

Libra-

Don’t point laser pointers at planes on Tuesday, unless you are prepared to clean up a huge mess. Start sharpening your teeth for some sort of event involving food. Remind someone; that opinions are like barking dogs, nobody wants to hear them at 3 a.m.

Scorpio-

You’re going to be Karma’s bitch this week. Complaining is only going to make it worse, and stop frowning or you’re going to need more botox than Rachel Zoe. Invest your time in something worthwhile on Thursday.

Sagittarius-

A case of road rage could leave you with a radiator full of pennies on Saturday. Be prepared to have some fun this week, even if it is at the expense of others. On Friday you must remember to do unto to others before they do unto you.

Aries-

Don’t be so somber this week little Aries. Ditch the dark colors; people are beginning to think that you’re matching your outfits to those bags under your eyes. Get yourself a good night of  sleep on Friday by drinking heavily.

Leo-

Your superiors will be using you as an example this week. You are the perfect example, of what not to do. Take pride in that, you probably shouldn’t, but what else have you got to be proud of? Freak someone out on Monday and eat a dead bird in the park.