Horrorscopes for the week of November 16th

ARIES- The alignment of the planets suggests you might be thinking of making your crush a token of affection from your genital carpeting and fingernail clippings. Don’t. A foray into effluvial artistry will only cause you shame and degradation along with court costs

CAPRICORN-The alignment of Pluto in respect to Neptune is going to cause you some strife this week. Try making a bacon and cheese potato casserole with beggin’ strips for that office birthday party/ luncheon, not only will people praise you for your culinary skills but you will get the satisfaction of know you made those bitches eat dog snacks.

SAGITTARIUS-The winter blues have set in and you have decided the cure is to travel to some distant tropical local. Saturn is not looking favorable on such a decision. Just call in sick to work for a week with Jaundice. Get to know your friends Dominoes and Netflix and enjoy. When it’s time to go back to the drudgery pop over to Duane Read and pick yourself up a can of Sally Hansen spray tan and just say, “ hepatocellular carcinoma, need I say more?”

SCORPIO- Those big fancy words you learned from dictionary.com aren’t impressing anyone, except maybe that one scabby bitch from the accounting department. Now’s your chance to test the theory that body lice and pubic lice can’t live outside of their  respective areas.

LIBRA- Friday will bring a welcome change. You be free from the biggest asshole you’ve ever met in your life. So get yourself some mud dreds, paint your face blue and pretend to get your hagus ripped out. While singing partay! Pizza partay! Yeah! Hey? What’s that tree doing here? Don’t cross old zombie  Jesus or  he is apt to bitch up your face.

CANCER- The pattern of the stars is willing you to come into a small fortune this week. If you’ve got a dollar and a dream, maybe you can buy a pack of overpriced juicy fruit from the vending machine in the lounge

PISCES- You’ve always been a planner dear Pisces. You had your career planned when you were five, you wanted 4 kids you even picked out there names. Well, this week you will discover that all your life decisions were subconsciously based on old sitcoms from the 80s and all your kids were named after the golden girls

GEMINI- Your self esteem has been as withered as Janice Dickinson’ labia lately. Don’t worry things will start perking up by midweek. Watch the weather channel, you’ll see.

TAURUS- Devastation is on the horizon this week. That one time when you had a whole bunch of Olean potato chips and decided to enter a karate match is going to surface on the internet. Prepare yourself for the filthy new moniker they’ve made up for you at work. Don’t worry it will come in handy in the near future when you start a band.

LEO- Saturn’s ring suggest that you try something you’ve always been too intimidated to do. You just might be the one to show the world that Whippits and airplane glue aren’t just for kids.

VIRGO- You’ve got a huge presentation at work on Thursday, call in sick or you will wish you had. There is no way to avoid fate. What you are going to think is a crusty cold sore that you will try to cover up with lip balm is going to turn out to be a midnight booger glued to your upper lip that will come loose and fly off into your bosses mouth while you are going over the monthly sales reports. Embarrassment and unemployment are all that will come to attending work on Thursday.

AQUARIUS- You are going to regret something this week. It will be revealed on Wednesday. If you work in accounting, avoid Scorpios at all cost, take a shower and invest in some rid-x.