Horrorscopes for the Week of January 25th, 2009
Aries-On Thursday you will be dreaming about a werewolf plane being made love to by a screaming plane and then wake up to a hairless rat’s white hot nut sack pressing into your neck.
Gemini-You are going to look for a fight on Friday and be very disappointed when you crack your opponents sternum and his skeleton does not become visible like all the bitches whose asses you kick in Fight Club on your playstation.
Cancer-A series of events will lead you to discover that pixels have no nutritional value.
Leo-God will speak to you in Binary code on Tuesday, unfortunately he will only be reciting the entire script
from The Warriors, Can you dig it? It’s God man, so just shut up and take it. 010000100110010100100000011011000110111101101111011010110
110100101101110001001110010000001100111011011110110111101
100100001011000010000001010111011000010111001001110010011
01001011011110111001001110011
Virgo-Your dog hates you because you pay more attention to your
nintendog Pepe and you are going to appear in a cymbalta commercial in greasy sweatpants.
Libra- You just read The Kids are Alright: How the Gamer
Generation is Changing the Workplace and and now you’ve redone your resume to include the 3 years it took you to win battletoads and the fact that you beat level 6-2 of Ninja Gaiden. Your resume got game!
Taurus-God says:
010010010010000001101000011000010111010001100101001000000
111100101101111011101010010000001110100011000010111010101
11001001110101011100110000110100001010
Scorpio-tiny kittens are going to enter your bloodstream on Wednesday and cause a massive kitten infection if you aren’t careful,but transfusions of simple green and cherry kool-aid should take care of the problem in no time.
Sagittarius-you know that recurring nightmare you have about being raped by a winged lion with crabs that bites you on the back of the neck and takes you from behind while flying straight into the stratosphere at 900 miles an hour while ice crystals form inside of your eyeballs, well it’s going to come true on Friday.
Capricorn-On Friday you will have all the carpeting in your domicile removed for fear of the ass dragging werewolf and the fire department will discover that you have a penchant for fucking up toast, and microwave popcorn.
Aquarius-a career change is in store for you now that there is an opening for mexican body dissolver.
Pisces-your life will become an episode of dr. who and you will time travel to 1985 and you won’t be able to think of anything to do so you’ll get yourself a can of new coke and slip into a temporary diabetic coma where your spirit guide, who happens to be Montel Williams, will tell you to go back home grab your Circus Atari cartridge then travel back to September 1983 in Alamogordo New Mexico and throw the bitch in.
i made it all the way to the end of ninja gaiden on nes, but i never did beat it. i couldn’t bear the through of going through it all again. that’s happened so many times. like i know the ending cant’ be that great. come to think of it, i’m going to look that mofo up on youtube and pretend i did beat it before my blood get’s infected by kittens.
btw congratulations to us. this was our 100th post.
100 posts of humortude
Battletoads was balls hard. Then there was Battletoads vs Double Dragon. Who the fuck thought that up? My heartfelt condolences go out to any Sagittarius’s this week.
I played battlekittens that was even harder, kittens don’t like it when you tape tiny paper helmets to their heads and they don’t follow commands very well, they kind of wander around aimlessly, mewing and looking like sad emo lolcatz. then the neighbors mom comes home from work ready to get her drink on and she sees all these paper helmetted kittens wandering around her kitchen and went nuts and we never played battlekittens agains 🙁