Horrorscopes for the Week of February 22nd

ARIES–you are going to encounter the corpse of GG Allin in a Starbucks on Wednesday. He is going to hold up the line ordering something that doesn’t exist in this reality, do not interfere or he will shit on you.

TAURUS– You are a Taurus, God detests you and your very nature, and no matter how many tic tacs you eat your breath is always going to stink and God is always going to hate you.

GEMINI– You will play Londonian Gothic and it will open the door to your true personality a goth loli.

CANCER– On Friday you will find the face of Jesus in a can of peanuts.

LEO– You are going to be haunted by the ghosts of all the squirrels that you fed to owls in Sims animals.

VIRGO– You will realize that your favorite band the Faint has some of the worst lyrics imaginable, almost as bad as soul asylum.

LIBRA– You are going to come home from work and find that the FBI has raided your home and confiscated your computer. And you will break down and cry because you spent 2309 hours downloading every imaginable ds game you could find no matter how terrible it was.  And you realized how much you really enjoyed playing John Deere Harvest in the Heartland.

SCORPIO– You are going to watch “The Mist” and decide that the army guy with the wicked eyebrows is your new role model and you are going to get your brows waxed like a Gotti boy.

SAGITTARIUS– You are going to call on your friends for help this week, and you will be disappointed. You are going to encounter some difficulties when you begin to shit out a dead cat, you are going to call on a friend to assist you and they are going to hang up on you and never return your calls again. Don’t worry after you walk around for a while the dead cat will work it’s way out on its own.

CAPRICORN– You are going to be followed all week by a Babylonian sphinx. Some serious shit is going to go down with the sphinx in a stall in the mens room, keep in mind that a sphinx will do anything for a pixie stix. anything.

AQUARIUS– Pay attention to your breakfast it’s trying to tell you something, easy on the bran flakes.

PISCES–  Soak your mustache in white vinegar because you have a severe silverfish infestation.