Horrorscopes for the Week of December 8th

ARIES- The less you say the more intelligent people will think you are, well the less chances you have you have to say stupid shit will surely benefit you.  So shhhhhhhhh little Aries…You are the master of your silence.
CAPRICORN- All this time you thought no one noticed that you never wash your hands when you leave the bathroom. They will on Thursday when you get a staph infection and your eyelid swells to the size of a grapefruit.
SAGITTARIUS-Just because it’s illegal to sell lawn darts on eBay doesn’t mean you can’t buy them. You need to do your part to support the economy.
SCORPIO-On Tuesday you are going to end up in the emergency room with a toothpick in your urethra. No one is going to believe you when you tell them you must have swallowed it  when you were eating tiny party wieners.
LIBRA- You will find a new use for wd-40 this week that will benefit humanity for years to come. Lucio Fulci will visit you in your dreams this week, while  riding a tubby shark. Listen to what he has to say about nanotechnology, it will mean the difference between listening and not listening.
CANCER- Eat your food don’t shoot it. Potions lose their power if you shoot them.
PISCES- your first born child will be born with hair. Lots of hair, like a black lions mane of hair.  You had better shave it or your child will be shunned by society and destined for a life of crime.
GEMINI- Dial 1-800-4-cancer on Thursday and ask the operator if you can get cancer from having sex with a dog. You will brighten her day, just think how bummed out she must be from having to  talk  to people about cancer shit all day.
TAURUS- Eat light this week and don’t shit in the toilets at work this week. It will clog and unforeseen circumstances will require you to remove it with your bare hands, and you will have to hide it in your pocket.
LEO- You’ve met someone new. They seem like they might be insane, It’s OK,  that’s what they call charm nowadays. Go for it, you won’t be sorry.
VIRGO- It’s nice when you have friends that you’ve had since high school. Right now you are going through hard times, and you need to rely on the two friends who know you the best, Bartles and Jaymes.
AQUARIUS- Teach a child something this week. Maybe a  cute little phrases like, “bitches be flocking to get a taste of my hoe pop.”