Horrorscopes for July 2009

Aries- your elderly dad thinks you are an asshole. Prove him right and live down to his expectations dear Aries and send him to a nursing home then never visit until it is time to identify the body and collect his personal belongings.

Taurus- the stars suggest that God and the universe are plotting against you dear Taurus, what’s it like knowing everyone hates you?

Gemini- your wardrobe is out of date and showing your age, a trip to hot topic will bridge the generation gap by allowing both young and old to openly mock you and your penchant for pants with thousands of zippers and Edward Cullen.

Libra- unable to wait for the release Scribblenauts, you are going to hijack a jitney bus full of assholes going to the Hamptons. The police are going to try and take you out with sharp shooters, but the flapping of a butterfly’s wing in Southeast Asia 14 years ago is going to result in a piece of dust hitting one shooter in the eye at the exact moment he is firing his rifle, he will miss and hit the gas tank killing you and all the assholes in a fiery explosion, but you will be okay with that because it will be fucking awesome.

Leo- you are going to develop foreign accent syndrome after a mishap with a bag of charcoal, a flight of stairs and an angry cat. Don’t be bitter, even though you have suffered a severe brain injury and can no longer dress and feed yourself, you now have a British accent that is almost as believable as Madonna’s.

Virgo- you will discover a long hidden family secret. Your parents duct taped you in a box and left you down by the river where you were discovered and raised by hobos on a diet of cigarette butts and birdseed until you were 16 then your parents assumed guardianship of you once again so that they could send you to work at Izod and your dad could take advantage of your employee discount.

Cancer- it is going to be revealed that you suffer from a dissociative disorder, you have been shitting behind the toilet at work all these months and thought it was one of your coworkers, unable to live with the guilt of being a filthy pig, you disembowel yourself with a letter opener in the bathroom and with your last dying breath you will throw your intestines around like party streamers and die laughing.

Scorpio- you are going to purchase a new dell and suffer from a severe case of black diarrhea for 4 months, coincidence or did the people at Dell infest your new PC with ass eating nematodes?

Sagittarius- the planetary alignment suggests that now would be a good time to find a new hobby, back stabbing, lying, whoring, and office pants-shitter are all good options. Why limit yourself to just one dear Sagie?

Capricorn- set some goals for yourself, get your shit together by weeks end or check out early with a kalashnikov and a bottle of Redbull.

Aquarius– you are going to get back to your religious roots, in doing so you will develop a massive crush on the pale, scrawny, sad face Christ because he is so emo.

Pisces- your family is going to drive you nuts this month. What else is new? Just shut the fuck up and quit complaining about it.