Coffee: The Key to a 500-Year Lifespan, or Just a Waste of Time and Insects?

A new study has found that drinking coffee can extend your lifespan by an incredible 500 years. Yes, you read that right – 500 years. According to the study, which was funded by a group of heavily-caffeinated lab mice and conducted in a remote jungle village where the residents subsist entirely on a diet of coffee and insects, just a few cups of coffee a day can add centuries to your life.

But what are the effects of such a long life? Well, for starters, you’ll have to find a new hobby to keep yourself entertained for all those extra years. You’ll also have to find a way to support yourself financially, as 500 years of retirement savings is no joke. And let’s not forget the practical considerations – where are you going to live for all that time? What are you going to do about food, water, and other resources?

But perhaps the biggest challenge of all is dealing with the endless parade of loved ones who will pass away while you’re still going strong. Imagine outliving your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren, and so on, until you’re the last one standing. Talk about lonely.

So, is it worth it? Is that extra half-millennium of life worth the challenges and difficulties that come with it? You’ll have to decide for yourself. But in the meantime, just remember – a few cups of coffee a day can add 500 years to your life. Just don’t blame us if you end up regretting it.