Are You My Father? 8 Ways to Turn Millennial Troubles Around

It finally happened.  Another surprise from that bitch you broke up with more than 20 years ago.

He shows up at your door.  A younger, weaker, thick rimmed glasses version of yourself.  Daddy, you’ve got Millennial troubles.

Here are 8 ways to turn those millennial troubles around:

1. Be happy.  Your millennial hasn’t rejected you.  Despite years of badmouthing by his mother and countless attempts to keep him away from you, you’ve got a millennial!

2. Slowly turn your millennial against his mother.  You knew before and you still know it now.  This bitch is no good.  Slowly introduce your millennial to this idea.

3. Spend time with your millennial.  Ask him to “bond” with you by helping with difficult yard and household projects.  If you own a business, hire him.  Don’t tell him until after he’s signed a contract that you will pay him just above minimum wage, and for his own good take half his pay and put it into a “retirement fund.”  Yours!

4. Ask him to move in… to  your basement.  This is a great source of rental income.

5. Help him to get a car loan.  Then borrow it constantly.  No reason to run up the miles on your own vehicle.  Do not co-sign.  Let him ask the mother.

6. Open your home to your millennial.  Let him have parties upstairs on Saturday nights.  This is a great opportunity.  Even ugly girls are hot when they’re still young enough.  It’s going to be worth it.

7. Send him to school. Make sure it’s a useful trade. Auto Mechanic, Plumbing, Carpentry, Electrical.  Anything that will make your millennial more valuable… to you!  Make sure he get’s student loans and do no co-sign.

8. Meet his girlfriend.  Then sleep with with her behind your son’s back.  Pro-tip.  Try to get her pregnant.  Then suggest she and your son move in with his mother to raise the child.  That’s two generations for the price of none!

Photo by Joe Shellard