The High Cost of Immortality: The Risks of Drinking Coffee to Live 500 Years

A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Caffeine has found that drinking coffee can extend lifespan by a staggering 500 years. But is such a long life really worth living?

The study, which was published in the Journal of Caffeinated Beverages, involved 100 participants who were all heavy coffee drinkers. Over the course of the study, the participants drank an average of 10 cups of coffee per day and reported feeling more energetic and alert, as well as experiencing a significant decrease in their perceived age.

But as the researchers soon discovered, the effects of prolonged caffeine consumption went far beyond just feeling young and spry. The participants began to develop a range of alarming side effects, including insomnia, anxiety, and heart palpitations. They also found themselves increasingly isolated from society, as their loved ones aged and died while they remained unchanged.

“It was like being a vampire, but without any of the cool powers,” said one participant. “I watched my entire family grow old and die, and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt alone and lonely, and I started to regret my decision to drink so much coffee.”

The study has sparked controversy among the medical community, with many doctors urging people not to try and extend their lifespan through caffeine consumption. “Living for 500 years may sound appealing at first, but the reality is much darker and more lonely,” said Dr. John Doe, a leading gerontologist. “It’s not a life worth living, and the risks far outweigh any potential benefits.”

Despite the controversy, coffee lovers are undeterred, with many vowing to continue drinking as much coffee as they can in order to live to be 500 years old. “I don’t care what the doctors say,” said one participant. “I’ll take a few heart palpitations over death any day.”

Whether the study’s findings will hold up to further scrutiny remains to be seen, but for now, it seems that the pursuit of eternal youth through caffeine may have some serious downsides.