Happy Birthday Bleedin’ Baby Jesus!
Merry Christmas to all from your friends at EMToast.
Year: 2012
I overheard some hipsters talking about VHS tapes
I overheard some hipsters talking at the flea market. The one hipster says to the other hipster , “One thing...
The Turkey’s Prayer: A Lord’s Prayer Adaptation with Permission from God
Our turkey who art in heaven, hollow be thy breast. Thy stuffing comeThy meats be done on plates as it...
I Hope You Don’t Have Too Many Nightmares
Instead of saying sweet dreams, I say "Good night. I hope you don't have too many nightmares." Instead of saying...
Two Drops To Guppy Heaven
Back then you could buy a tankful of feeder guppies for just a few cents. You could pick up an...
“Quick like a bunny.”
Klaus described in great detail how he was going to engineer a car that ran solely on blood, human...
“If I see her in the store, I’ll just yell RAPE! and run away”
On encountering old co-workers.
“I’ll kill the shit out of you”
In a non-threatening way.
Cold Eared Bunnies in Loaf Position
“The Air conditioning was cranked so high, I came home to cold eared bunnies in loaf position in August”
Mountains Like White Maggots
A modern day translation of Ernest Hemingway's short story Hills Like White Elephants Hill related Ebrol long valley and white....
The Mouths of My Children’s Bellies: One Woman’s Foray into the Territories of Ebay
The following transcript is the abridged version of an E-bay customer transaction gone wrong. This poor woman just wanted to...
“I did not know that in 2005 they found his body…”
I did not know that in 2005 they found his body in a Connecticut field with his throat slit. Charles...
Snowbow Warning of Emergency Alert Symptoms
Don't look directly into a snowbow or you will lose your vision forever and your eyes will glaze over white....
“Ecce Homunculus” Spanish Fresco Restored
Late 90's art icon It Come has resurfaced at The Sanctuary of Mercy Church near the Spanish city of Zaragoza....
Never Get Between a Man and His Coffee
"Never get between a man and his coffee this early in the morning," said the man to his daughter. A...
Jesus Loves You… Baby All Night Yeah
A shocking and offensive ad campaign has been rolled out across 18 Catholic universities in the United States featuring a...
Your World is Covered in Dog Diarrhea
your world is covered in dog diarrhea
You Probably Think This War Is About You
Forget World War III, that's so 80's. The real threat is the Carly Simon Wars. Marily Manson, interviewed on Omaha...
Medieval Illiterate Homeless People Were Fooky
Thous ist homeless and shall work for morsels sir. Wilst work for Morsels. George Will Slept Here and he will...
Your Eyes Look Like They Smell Like Corn
Your Eyes Look Like They Smell Like Corn
Stephen Hawking’s 911 Call “My God! The Squatches Are Upon Us”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iZ3qfJ0I8g&context=C33c1b66ADOEgsToPDskJDf0RUsnvuKSGguoKOxdSZ Video above, and below is the transcript of Steven Hawking's terrifying 911 call during his ordeal in a squatch...
We Bought the Dead Dog Capital Zoo
There’s a new movie out called We Bought a Zoo. You may think it could never happen, but it already...
