During Holiday Cash Tips Inadequate
Forget the tip. We Need Singles & Newport and Gilrfriend. Spotted at Hess Station in Northern NJ.
Year: 2011
Rabbit: Nature’s Cutest Killer
Tonight at the mall pet store I overheard a woman saying, “Rabbit, your nails are like hypodermic needles. My arm!”...
"Gimme Turkey" Key to Pilgrim Survival
In 1564 the native american indians taught the pilgrims how to survive the harsh north american winters by smoking four...
Reagan’s Ghost Haunting Whitehouse, Wants Obama Out, Literally
The ghost of Ronald Reagan is haunting the Whitehouse, quite literally. He first appeared to Obama while he was literally...
Wax Bag: So You Don’t Have To Stay Home And Bleed
In the great year of 1978, women were freed from their bloody bondage by the invention of a simple wax...
Happy Belated 3rd Birthday EMToast!
You were scraped out of my mind 3 yrs and 2 months ago.
Dear Stinkbug, I Love You, Now Die
Dear Stinkbug, I do not appreciate coming home to find you on my toothbrush. Since you touched it, I am...
The Wall Chickens: Return of the Heart Kitten
Day 1: I woke up this morning to the sound of birds pecking inside of my walls, which was creepy,...
Happy Halloween
Go pack your cavities with sugar.
Rule #2073: Never Lie to Your Kids
Don’t lie to kids or withhold the truth from them. Most little kids are smarter than you give them credit...
Ohio Ban Exotic Monsters NOW!
On Oct 18, 2011 dozens of wild and dangerous animals were let loose from a private zoo in Zanesville, OH. ...
Sexually Exhausted Husband Seeks Police Protection
Around midnight on April 25th, a 32 year old man ran into a police station in his underwear asking for...
Smoking Saves Lives
I just want to say thanks to the drunken asshole, walking down the middle of the road at night wearing...
Wall Raccoons Can’t Stop the Meat Bun Shirt Lookbook
EMToast contributor Toe Fu has taken on an ambitious photo project for video game shirt company Meat Bun. He's got...
Dating Beasts: How to Attract Ugly Women
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life ... Never make a pretty woman your wife ......
I dreamt I was convicted of being an asshole
i had a dream about satan and some cave that had an outcropping in it that was carved to look...
My baby pooped itself. Fuck you.
Facebook sentiment of the year.
Peanut Butter Cancer Ban Coming
A new study conducted by Station Park Cancer Hospital has shown that between the years 1973 and 2010 ninety-nine percent...
WE BUY UGLY HORSES . COM
Why sell to HorseVestors? See what our customers have to say: Horse Vestors Understood My Unique Situation "...HorseVestors seemed to...
NEW “BLEEP YOUR BOSS” REALITY SHOW
Press Release - August 11th, 2011 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Randall Stott emtoast@emtoast.com.com NEW ‘BLEEP YOUR BOSS’ REALITY SHOW HITS...
I Am a Crocodile, and I’ve Done Terrible Things
Comes a time in a man’s life when he’s got to decide. Alligator or crocodile? Which will I be? I...
That Hamburger’s Your Brother (I saw it come out of your mother)
These were the final miles of a summer journey. The four passengers consisted of the driver, the girlfriend, the sister,...
Doctors Invented Cancer in 1926
I’m 97 years old, and I never heard of cancer until I was 12 years old. My neighbor fell down...
Author Word Find: Gotta Catch Them All
Find and circle all the famous authors that are hidden on the grid below. Click to enlarge. Don’t blow out...
CHiPs Return! Despite Horse Abuse Allegations
The green revolution is upon us with everything from recycling, reusing, up-cycling and re-purposing. It’s all about what’s old is...
We Drove Past The Gazebo
I took my love to a gazebo. We drove past the gazebo. There were no giraffes by this gazebo. (more…)
Dandelions in the Disco Room
It’s Friday night and the Dandelions are ready to hit the clubs. It’s just past 12 so all the cool...
Top 10 Signs That You Are a Hoarder
How do you know if you’re a hoarder? Here are the 10 telltale signs that indicate hoarding behavior. 1. If...
Menu Mishap: Restaurant Offers Rip Rourin CRAP Soup Special
A local restaurant faxed their lunch menu to the office of a friend with an unusual lunch special– Rip Rourin...
My Son Eating Corn
My son has a corn tooth. That boy loves to eat it right off the cob like a little typewriter....
Chocolate Bunny Want Meat
Easter bunny get up this morning and he want hims meat. Them childrens was runnin all around up and down...
The Dangers of Eye Contact with the Soulless
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. But what if the eyes you are looking into have...
Winter’s Bone Witches in the Woods
Winter’s Bone is the title of a movie, but do you know what Winters Bone means? (more…)
Only the Moon Watched
The dolphin left his cave in search of human prey. Only the moon watched.
Psychology is for Psychos
Ever taken a psychology class? I took one as a night class at a community college years ago. The professor...
The Fruit is a Trap
If there’s one thing I learned from Pac-Man it’s that the fruit is a trap. You might think it’s a...
Justin Bieber to Launch … Feminine Hygiene Product Line?
By: jake.auzzie Just when you thought “Biever Fever” was over, Justin Bieber has decided that tampons and maxi-pads should be...
Life in the Box. Failed Experiment Number One
I emerged this morning from the frost covered cardboard refrigerator box that I now call home. With my first steps...
What is the Difference Between a City and a Town?
A man once asked me what is the difference between a city and a town? A city is bigger I...
