Chinese Fire Drills Can’t Even Kill A Bitch
(The following excerpt is taken from Ben Franklin's personal diary) "Today Lodi popped into my head. Summer 1979 Lodi, running...
Year: 2009
Children Choose Dinosaur Burn Up as Worst Fate
Some say the worst way to go is drowning. I beg to differ, as most kids will tell you...
Strange Figure Shakes the Giant Hand
I have a cool jacket with white spots on it.
Skeleton Back
You never come back from being a skeleton back.
Workplace Mystery #773: Sharing is Creepy
This lady that I work with comes to my deskish area and says, Oh hey I thought of you this...
Turkeyman: Curse of the Wereturkey
The wereturkey is an American beast, born in Plimoth, 1621 during the first Thanksgiving dinner. When Edward Winslow, leader of...
God and Baby Jesus
“Hi Dad” “Hi little guy”
Jilted Lover Blackmails Ex With Nude Photo
A man was pissed off after getting dumped by his girlfriend. So he showed up at her house showing her...
Rainbows In Her Brain Meats
Once again we are graced with a reader's submission from 7 year old Fritzy McGee. Fritzy writes: "Sometimes when I...
Swine Fluid – Pork Scented Washer Fluid
Port Coquitlam, British Columbia. (PressRelease) November 7, 2009 – Willie Pickton Industries, Inc.®, a major supplier and worldwide exporter of...
Goblins Invade southern Missouri town of Kennett
ST. LOUIS – Goblins have invaded the southern Missouri town of Kennett. The creatures appear to have been drawn there...
Everything Has Boobs: October is Breast Awareness Month
"Everything has got boobs, even my dad and guys, "exclaims 7 year old Charlie Percheffons, the winner of the October...
My Rat Water Just Broke!
The upcoming 2010 sequel to the not-quite-cult-classic rat-zombie movie Mulberry Street features a cameo role by Tori Spelling. Spelling...
Unfaithful Slut Wife Exposed by Motel Punch Card
A wife was having an affair with a coworker and went to a motel nearby. She used her credit card...
“Raccoon Faced Freaks” Assault Waitress
Two assailants described by onlookers as “raccoon faced freaks” burst into a Red Robin restaurant Thursday assaulting a waitress and...
Anybody Votes! Scribblenauts Favorite Words
Scribblenauts is the newest and most addictive DS game to hit the streets. I threw all my other games out...
Three Breasted Mother Suckles Pigs In Muddy Crawlspace
Riding scooters and yelling. The dogs, even the dogs know that these little children… are wrong. (more…)
Dell Introduces 99¢ Wireless Notebook for Back to School
Date 9/11/09 Round Rock, TX First sub-dollar notebook offered under Dell name. Just in time for Back to School. No...
September 27th is National Bat Brushing Day
This little known day of celebration gets bat owners and bat lovers alike a chance to celebrate their little flying...
The Chronicles of Coppersmith: One Man’s Terrible Foray into the Territories of Amazon
May 29th 2009 Richard Coppersmith begins his journey into the unknown territories of deepest darkest Amazon with the purchase of...
Happy One Year Anniversary! EMToast
Click to check out the EMToast Year One Retrospective.
EMToast Year One Retrospective
It’s officially one year since the creation of EMToast. I would like to extend a special thank you to the...
Parenting IS for everybody, even people who hate kids
He kind of makes you feel sad like that song about the electric bear from The Notwist. His parents had...
Kindest Old Woman You’ve EVER Seen
Rest in peace Flo. Your kindness taught Chico, CA to never judge a book by it's cover. A photo of...
Uncle Hot Dogs is Back
When the eyes of Uncle Hot Dogs look into your soul, you know that you have been chosen by a...
How To Make Money Fighting Famous Bears
Step 1: Find a Famous Bear In order to make money fighting with bears, the wild ones must be avoided. ...
Jealous Horse Loses Eye, Rainbow Horn Unicorn to Blame
A unicorn is a wonderful thing. The very best unicorns have rainbow horns and like to drive around in cars...
Area 51 Exposed: The Deep Throat Connection
A time traveling space woman is the mother to 70’s pornstar Linda Lovelace? A cranky fortune telling future man named...
Look Alike – Police Station Chief and His Pet Dog
Tourists must see hot spot. When you have a dog sometimes either you start to look like your dog or...
Icy Fruit for Monkeys “Look at that butt!”
That is not a giant bar of soap that the baboons are attacking. It is icy fruit the delicious summer...
The Super Duper Vegan Egan Power Hour
A rollicking good time for all!! He rides to work in a top hat and tails, his vehicle is a...
Flamenco strikes back!! The Untold Origin of Punch-Out’s Don Flamenco!
The year-1964. The location-Madrid, Spain. Esteemed scientist Juan Flamingo had 2 passions in life - woman and boxing. Unfortunately he...
Dolphin Seduces Middle Aged Tourists
A teenage dolphin was seen seducing these 2 old tourists. This one tourist was so into dolphins he spent 35...
Horrorscopes for July 2009
Aries- your elderly dad thinks you are an asshole. Prove him right and live down to his expectations dear Aries...
Fuck You Genie
Sometimes somebody you know is harassing the fuck out of you and keeps calling you day and night and you...
Dolphin Rape Caught on Film
Australian tourist, Karl Jurg, captured a horrifying event while vacationing in Florida. (more…)
Scientists Translate Chihuahua Barks
Scientists translate Chihuahua barks - they're saying "I'm a tiny asshole."
Obama Bombs Buckingham Palace
President Obama was taking a helicopter tour over Buckingham Palace. The vibration of the chopper combined with the Xtra-Large coffee...
Laser Dog Protects Billy Wizard’s Shit
Billy Wizard and Laser Dog Sent in by 7 year old Fritzy McGee of Lansing Michigan (more…)
"Suck My Bolt!" Robot Uprising Begins
The robot uprising has begun. The first soldier in the war against humans was a tiny worker bot named robot...
Stripper Branded with Diarrhea Tramp Stamp
Claritza was a young pretty stripper. She supported her family on the earnings she made in just a few nights...
Dirty Germs With Comb Overs
Readers submission from Fritzy McGee (age 7) of Lansing Michigan (more…)
Track Star Crippled During Video Game Speed Run
Rancho Cucamonga, CA - While browsing the internet during study hall one fall afternoon, high school hurdle hopper Harold Hamstrung...
The Boy Who Became a Pervy Old Man
When I was a boy I used to see these dirty old perverts and I’d say to myself man that’s...
Mike the Bear Wakes Up. ROAR!!!
MIKE WAKES UP ROAR!!! Look how happy he is in the morning. He stretches his legs and pounds his chest. ...
help me i am so sick i think i have wet tail
Wet tail is a terrible affliction that can infect your pet hamster or even cartoon mice. Beware the wet tail. ...
I Ate My Dentist
These days you just never know who is going to cannibalize you. This kid looks all innocent until he opens...
Roll Out Your Favorite Head
Inspired by the song Hall of Heads by They Might Be Giants although the lyric is actually roll out that...
