Peanut Butter Cancer Ban Coming

Velvet Peanut Butter
A new study conducted by Station Park Cancer Hospital has shown that between the years 1973 and 2010 ninety-nine percent of people diagnosed with bowel, bladder, lung, or brain cancer had eaten peanut butter or were related to someone who had. It is still too early to tell what the exact link is, but scientists are determined to find it, even if it means asking questions like how often patients ate peanut butter and in combination with what other foods.

Dr. Erdnuss Arahide who first discovered the potential cancer link states, “Peanut butter is dangerous. With further research I hope to discover if peanut butter alone is the catalyst or if it’s a deadly reaction between peanut butter and other foods.  We could be contacting the FDA, and peanut butter could be banned from store shelves within the month.  It has already been banned in some schools due to childhood peanut allergies. If we can prove that it causes cancer, the ban will definitely be nationwide. We can’t eradicate peanut butter,  just like we can’t eradicate cigarettes.  No one can tell you what to do with your body, but they can tell you that you can’t eat peanut butter in public.”

Dr. Arahide’s research began when he uncovered an eye-opening article on the Blog

“A mold commonly winds up growing on peanut butter. This fungus Aspergillus flavus releases a cancer causing metabolic product (mycotoxin) called aflatoxin B1, which is a officially recognized carcinogen (cancer causing compound). Workers around peanuts even have to wear protection because of the health hazard. It is common knowledge that farmers and animals around peanuts have increased liver cancer.”

Arahede’s research iss the basis for the Station Park study which is funded by the U.S. Government.  The study is meant to pave the way for a new tax on those who irresponsibly choose to damage their health and potentially kill themselves by eating peanut butter.  The terror alert on peanut butter has been bumped up from yellow to red.  We already knew it was dangerous, but now we know that is some deadly bad butter.

Arahede expounds, “Gearge Washington Carver you’ll rue the day you thought of peanut butter. He wasn’t a pioneer. This man was a cankerworm leading mankind to It’s own destruction through this seemingly innocuous spread.  America, you’re going to have to find a new lunch staple or it will be the end of you!  I believe generations of heavy peanut butter consumption have caused a genetic mutation that pre-disposed people to cancer.”

Dr. Arahide leaves us with this parting comment, “If you want to eat peanut butter and kill yourself, you an do it in the privacy of your own home, but not out in the streets where little children can follow your example.

“The things that we regret were delicious once.”—Thoman Mann.

Creative Commons License photo credit: carianoff

My baby pooped itself. Fuck you.