Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from me.  It’s kind of weird because I live in the 20th century and he died like 300 years ago.

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Tags: 10 Dollar Bill, Alexander Hamilton, farmer, food, Franklin, Hamilton homestead, health insurance, mechanic, oil, president and designer, Toastmaster, USD

Before Snookie, The Situation or any of those other Jersey Shore bimbos hit the scene, the ORIGINAL Bimbo 3 Ring Circus was terrifying children and adults alike.

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Tags: Bimbo, Bimbo the Clown, Circus, Clowns, Jersey Shore, Killers, New Jersey, Puppets, Seaside Heights, The Original Bimbo 3 Ring Circus, Toastmaster

It was 3 am and this was the second time her bladder had awoken her that night.  She lay there for a moment contemplating whether she should get up and go or just try to fall back to sleep.  A pounding at her door made the decision for her.  She got up and made her way to the door.  Without asking who it was she unlocked and opened the kitchen door.  She already knew who it would be.

He was a mess. His hair looked as though it hadn’t been combed in several days.  Dark thick stubble covered his face.  His eyes were sunken, bloodshot and the left one kept twitching. His boots and pant legs were coated in mud.

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Tags: ape head, car coming, car crushes, gorilla head, huge metal claws, love story, mucous web

They say fried food is a killer.  I doubt it. The grease is just good for your whole body. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Dentin, Food and drink, Fried chicken, fried food, Hospitality_Recreation, KFC, Southern United States, Teeth, Toastmaster

THINKING… that’s how people get killed.

A public service statement from EMToast.

photo credit: Focal Intent

Tags: Death, Disaster_Accident, Environment, Explosion, Fire, Lincoln cent, Thinking, Toastmaster, Tubungan

I like horses. They have shiny teeth.  You can feed them sugar cubes.  When it gets real hot they get all foamy.  A horse can’t sweat it just foams and if it gets too hot the foam comes out of their mouth.  Keep cranking up the heat and they get blood mane, fangs, and extremely bloodshot eyes.  Horses like that aren’t even afraid of fire.  Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: bears, foam, Horses, lions, Toastmaster

Sitting in the dark.  Nice and relaxed.  You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next room. Both moving through darkness, comfortable in your familiar surroundings. Without warning, she hits the lights and you can’t help shouting “Christ! You blew out my fuckin’ eye drums.”

Tags: Bixby, blind, eye drums, eyedrums, Sun, Toastmaster

Tags: Bixby, pepper, skeleton, Toastmaster

Tags: Bixby, eyes, green tie, shut up, tonsil, workplace

In recent weeks EMToast has received a number of comments from a visitor by the name of Sickjunior. After visiting his blog MURDER BY MEDIA I learned that he suspects himself to be the victim of a lifelong conspiracy by the entertainment media to trap him in California, destroy his personal life, addict him to drugs, manipulate him with women, bug his home, broadcast his life, cultivate racism, sabotage his art career, and potentially sacrifice his life for charity. I had to interview him.

Toastmaster: I was thinking, how about I do an interview with you. What do you say Sickjunior?

Sickjunior: Uh, well, no one would believe my story, but hell, wouldn’t hurt to get the word out, I guess. At any rate it remains to be seen if they will allow you to interview me or at least post it.

Toastmaster: Who do you think wouldn’t allow me to interview you or post it? Does this have anything to do with “Murder by Media”?

Sickjunior: Yes. Absolutely. They’ve been manipulating and broadcasting my life for at least 35 years, by my estimate, possibly my entire life. At any rate, strange things have always been going on since I can remember.

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Tags: cats, Conspiracy, media, murder, Sickjunior, Toastmaster

Nonsense is the new making sense.  At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas Lombrazo co-teach their Proseminar: Foundations of Disassociative Cognition. CCN: 84955

Much like an immersive foreign language course, students in “Disassocitive” Class are asked to stop making sense as soon as they walk through the door.

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Tags: Arthur Treachers, Bixby, Disassociative Cognition, dog, dolphin, fritzy Mcgee, Pac-Man, Randall Stott, Sam Neil, Toastmaster, turtle, Yoo Hoo Hoo Hoo

This is the text message that I received from a family member on vacation.  I thought it was a joke at the expense of some hairy French Canadian visiting the Jersey Shore.  It turns out there was an actual ape brought to the beach to pose for tourist photos.

From what I hear, the beast was very gentle and everyone got to keep their faces.

Tags: ape, beach, french canadian, hairy, Jersey Shore, Toastmaster