Garlic makes the heart beat twice as strong. When a vampire bites into the throat of a garlic eater, the high pressure blood spray is too powerful and they choke to death. This is the real reason they are repelled by it. Incidentally, vampires are vile nocturnal creatures with teeth like rats who prey on the weak. Don’t let vampire funded television shows and movies like True Blood, Twilight, or Vampire Diaries fool you to thinking otherwise. We are all weak. They are all hungry.
May 22 2013
“You Stoped A Hart.” These words painted 20 years ago in red on the side of an overpass . Who was the artist? Some illiterate vandal with a broken heart? I’d like to think so, but there are other theories.
The mother said, “I’m sorry.” to me, but when the little girl asked “Mommy why is that man’s nose red with black pores like that?” the mother whispered, “He’s a drunk. Like your daddy!”
May 11 2013
May 11 2013
Clark said, “That was my secret to success when I was singing all the songs on my 1973 vinyl release “Dick Clark “20 Years of Rock N’ Roll”
They used to put my songs on the back of cereal boxes. Can you imagine? It’s all thanks to that hot dog grease.
Mar 11 2013
Lozaq the father lived next door to us. He looked like a gentle child molester with light dog shit colored hair, and sadly he was the most normal of the family. The second most normal was the grandfather. He a futuristic old man in a silver shining jacket, space boots and a cowboy hat. He was born in 1900 and as a boy he said “I’m going into the future.”
The mother was a screechy garble mouthed witch. The two daughters were dirty blonde. They had actual dirty blonde hair, not the kind you’re thinking of. There were plenty of sores on their skin to go with that.
Someone had written FUCK in Elmer’s glue on the green concrete foundation of the house and it’s been there for more than 20 years even if they did try to cover it up with vinyl siding.
Wisely, our father told us years later when the house was condemned, “Stay outta there. There’s AIDS crawling up the walls.”
The Lozaq’s had a dog names Snoopy. The poor thing stayed outside all year long chained up to a doghouse of the same style as the one in the comic strip.
Years after the house was condemned I was clearing out a section of the overgrown yard to use as a parking spot. Snoopy’s doghouse was still there, with Snoopy inside. A few bones and a collar. Poor little guy had died alone and been left there all those years
I’m not sure where any of the Lozaq’s ended up, but my hope is that they met the same fate as poor Snoopy. Just a few piles of rotting bones laying in a box somewhere forgotten.Tags: Lozaq, Snoopy, Toastmaster
“Did you ever hear about the movie less than zero? That’s about your brain power.”Tags: Brain, Brain Power, Less Than Zero, Toastmaster
Feb 27 2013
I grew in the ghetto of my town, but I never knew it until I read it in the paper years later. I didn’t have a ghetto blaster though, I called mine a boom box.
When we first moved into the house, the back yard was full of empty turtle shells because the previous tenants liked turtle soup. My my sister’s bedroom had a giant treasure chest filled with sand and cigarette butts. We kids weren’t even allowed to stay at the place for the first couple weeks because the conditions were so poor. It took all my parent’s had to get the place up to standards, but they did it. So well in fact that I really never knew we were living in the ghetto.
My neighbor taught me how to electrocute yourself with the loose wires behind the tv for fun. We were switching from tv to video so we could play some Berzerk on Atari 2600.Brazilians, Neighbors, Pac-Man, Scumbags, The Worm, Toastmaster
Whether you’re sure someone is dying this year, or you just hope they are, be sure to wish them a Happy Final Birthday!Tags: Final Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Final Birthday, Toastmaster
I asked my friend’s father if he had any toy robots when he was a kid.
He told me, “Robots are from before my time.”
I had no idea he had come from so far in the future.Tags: fathers, robots, toys
Jan 13 2013
I unscrewed it and drank the perfume from the unicorn’s horn. I was a little kid, but I knew better. That’s when I learned no matter how nice they smell, unicorns are filled with poison. (Based on a true story)
Art by: Bixby