Video above, and below is the transcript of Steven Hawking’s terrifying 911 call during his ordeal in a squatch nest:

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency?

(Screaming of students)

STEPHEN HAWKING: Oh my god, the squatches are upon us!

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Tags: 911, bigfoot, Bixby, British people, crippled genius, robot, Sasquatch, sasquatch nest, Squatch Nest, Stephen Hawking

There’s a new movie out called We Bought a Zoo. You may think it could never happen, but it already did.

Back in ‘86 my mom and a group of her friends had become oddly interested in the cookies called Animal Crackers. They would have Animal Cracker parties and trade the different animals with each other like little kids playing with trading cards.

It didn’t stop there though. Mom’s interest in animal cracker related things grew and eventually she convinced my Dad to spend every penny they had on a small zoo in another city. One that we would live in. She dreamed the place would be called Animal Crackers with a big shiny red and yellow sign out front and all the zoo animals she and her friends had been crunching on including lions, zebras, elephants, tigers, monkeys, hippos, and giraffes.

I’ll never forget the feeling of excitement I felt when we first drove up to our new home, Animal Crackers zoo. I will also never recover from the the devastation I felt when I realized that my parents has bought a broken down and abandoned puppy mill, and I had to live in it.

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Tags: Animal cracker, Animal Crackers zoo, Toastmaster, Tom Robbins, Zoo

Forget the tip. We Need Singles & Newport and Gilrfriend.

Spotted at Hess Station in Northern NJ.

Tags: Hess, Hess Station, New Jersey, Newport, Toastmaster

Tonight at the mall pet store I overheard a woman saying, “Rabbit, your nails are like hypodermic needles.  My arm!”

I’ve seen “Night of the Lepus” and “Monty Python and the The Holy Grail” so I know how deadly rabbits can be.  I got out of there while I still had my life.  The one thing the 70’s said to me was “You don’t fuck with rabbit, natures cutest killer.”

Tags: Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Night of the Lepus, Rabbit, Rabbits, Rabbits and hares, Toastmaster

In 1564 the native american indians taught the pilgrims how to survive the harsh north american winters by smoking four rolled tobacco cigarettes at a time and demanding that their neighbors “gimme turkey”

By 1567 the white man had eaten all the buffalo, invented track lighting, and Nascar.   The free world was born.

Thanks.

Tags: Pilgrims, Thanksgiving, turkey

The ghost of Ronald Reagan is haunting the Whitehouse, quite literally. He first appeared to Obama while he was literally on the toilet.  Reagan’s ghost whispered to Obama, “Get out while you still can” then literally made it rain jelly beans.

Reagan’s ghost literally preys on the Obama’s fears of childhood obesity and literally  fills the kids shoes with cookies, their pillowcases with marshmallow, and literally replaces their toothpaste with molasses.  The kids literally wake up and say, “We love you mister President.  You’re the real President.  My daddy doesn’t let me eat molasses” He is literally turning their children against them.

Obama staffers are saying that he is literally so rattled that he is afraid to even sleep at the Whitehouse. He literally drives home to Illinois nearly every weekend just to get some rest.  Literally.

Tags: childhood obesity, Illinois, President, Ronald Reagan, Toastmaster

In the great year of 1978, women were freed from their bloody bondage by the invention of a simple wax coated bag.  Headband cycling, bikini tanning, armpit scratch tennis matches, and teapotting were just a few activities that tampon bags allowed women to enjoy during menstruation.  With the invention of the wax coated necessity bag women threw off their bloody shackles.  Before the bag, the disposal of feminine hygiene products kept women chained to their toilets.  Today women don’t have to sit home and bleed. They are free to go out and bleed everywhere…on park benches, at restaurants, on the sand at the beach, sidewalks, and department stores.

Whereas once women had to spend three days on the toilet in a nest of paper towels, now they could fly like eagles shitting rocks and bones on people’s cars breaking their windshields.

Tags: Bikini, Bixby, Blood Dump, cotton ponies, Feminine hygiene, Gloria Steinem, I don't want my name on this crap, Menstrual cycle, Menstruation, Period, Tampon, Toilet, Windshield

You were scraped out of my mind 3 yrs and 2 months ago.

Tags: Birthday, Bixby

Dear Stinkbug,

I do not appreciate coming home to find you on my toothbrush. Since you touched it, I am going to be nice enough to give it to you, you are going to need it, as a life raft. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life on my toothbrush inside of a ziplock bag full of chicken blood you little bastard.

Love,

Bixby

XOXOXO

Tags: Bixby, Stink Bug, Tooth Brush

Day 1:  I woke up this morning to the sound of birds pecking inside of my walls, which was creepy, then a few hours later I heard them in the crawl space, that was creepier. It sounds like I have wall chickens.

Day 2: It’s 3:15 a.m. I got about a whole hour of sleep then something started yodeling outside and woke me up and something fell on the roof, now all I hear is a faint tapping coming from the bedroom walls, I’m going to pretend its not satan or some demonic presence, and that there really is such a thing as wall chickens, that peck in their sleep. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Bixby, Chicken, Heart Kitten, Toastmaster, Wall Chicken

Go pack your cavities with sugar.

Tags: Bixby, Halloween, Toastmaster

Don’t lie to kids or withhold the truth from them. Most little kids are smarter than you give them credit for, mostly because their skulls are still pretty soft and they have more blood flow to their brains. Yeah there are some stupid kids, some kids are just born that way just like assholes, anyway lets get to the point.

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Tags: Bixby, Children, Fish Rape