ARIES–you are going to encounter the corpse of GG Allin in a Starbucks on Wednesday. He is going to hold up the line ordering something that doesn’t exist in this reality, do not interfere or he will shit on you.

Read the rest of this entry »

in 2009

ARIES: Everyone hates the boss at some time or another, but they can usually get by without call her a snake mouthed mother fucker to her face, remember that.

Read the rest of this entry »

Aries: Your life has become as complicated as a Marble Madness diagram. The planetary alignment of Pluto and Uranus is telling you to, “Slow it down you little shit!”

Capricorn: You might be tempted to serve up a beat down 1970′s style with some klick klacks. Careful because you are bound to hit yourself right in your goddamn lip. Read the rest of this entry »

ARIES: This is your week to shine dear Aries. Put people in their places and let them know who is top dog. Don’t expect them to like it and be prepared for a few slashed tires.

Read the rest of this entry »

Capricorn-

Remember it is better to kick someone in the back than to punch him or her in the face. You can even kick them in the back of the knees while you’re at it. You are going to learn a valuable lesson on Wednesday, and it could possibly involve beavers.

Read the rest of this entry »

ARIES- People are going to hate your guts this week, and it might have something to do with the things hovering around Uranus. This week will prove to be lonely; you may as well be living in a crater on the moon. Take heart and buck up little Aries. Don’t take your love to town just yet, unless you plan on checking driver’s licenses. Be on the look out for people who are not what they say they are and dogs that eat lipgloss.

Read the rest of this entry »

Aries You’re feeling lucky this week, well, you are not. Black tie events are in your future, don’t screw it up. Beware of large dogs bearing gifts on Friday. A chance meeting with a Scorpio will have you in a rage on the 27th.  Stay away from psychic vampires this week.

Cancer The person you have latched onto as your meal ticket will be exiting the picture. Fear not dear Cancer, with some misinformation you could find yourself on easy street again. By mid week the voices in your head  will be very persuasive, heed their advice on the 25th. A dark family secret will rear it’s transgendered head by Friday.

Taurus If you’re not careful those dust bunnies you’ve been ignoring for so long under the bed will prove to fatal. Clear out the dark corners in your life on the 23rd. Thursday will be an adventure and introduction to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The yellow pages will reveal the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for some time.

Read the rest of this entry »

Aries Your intestinal fortitude will be put to the test by weeks end. Fret not dear Aries those parasites can’t last forever, or can they? Best to stay away from tacos for the next 3 lunar cycles. Be on guard against Robotic attacks until further notice.

Read the rest of this entry »