A new study conducted by Station Park Cancer Hospital has shown that between the years 1973 and 2010 ninety-nine percent of people diagnosed with bowel, bladder, lung, or brain cancer had eaten peanut butter or were related to someone who had. It is still too early to tell what the exact link is, but scientists are determined to find it, even if it means asking questions like how often patients ate peanut butter and in combination with what other foods.

Dr. Erdnuss Arahide who first discovered the potential cancer link states, “Peanut butter is dangerous. With further research I hope to discover if peanut butter alone is the catalyst or if it’s a deadly reaction between peanut butter and other foods.  We could be contacting the FDA, and peanut butter could be banned from store shelves within the month.  It has already been banned in some schools due to childhood peanut allergies. If we can prove that it causes cancer, the ban will definitely be nationwide. We can’t eradicate peanut butter,  just like we can’t eradicate cigarettes.  No one can tell you what to do with your body, but they can tell you that you can’t eat peanut butter in public.”

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I’m 97 years old, and I never heard of cancer until I was 12 years old.  My neighbor fell down the stairs and broke his leg.  He went to the hospital and did you know he never came out ‘cause they said he had cancer? I never heard  of cancer before.  I think they gave it to him. Who goes to the hospital with a broken leg and ends up with cancer?

Doctors invented cancer to get your money and keep you in the hospital. When they open you up and let the air get at it, it spreads everywhere.

Look at me.  I got popcorn shrimp swimming around in my veins.  I ain’t going to the hospital for that.  I’ll get cancer.  That’s how they get you.