Sitting in the dark.  Nice and relaxed.  You’re both tired. The night is over. You follow her into the next room. Both moving through darkness, comfortable in your familiar surroundings. Without warning, she hits the lights and you can’t help shouting “Christ! You blew out my fuckin’ eye drums.”

Nonsense is the new making sense.  At least at UC Berkeley Dept of Psychology where Professors Tania Griffith and Tomas Lombrazo co-teach their Proseminar: Foundations of Disassociative Cognition. CCN: 84955

Much like an immersive foreign language course, students in “Disassocitive” Class are asked to stop making sense as soon as they walk through the door.

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This is an artist’s rendering of the result of  a hypothetical coupling between a fictional character named Billy Wizard, and  April.  The child appears to have a 14 head, crippled up fingers, a spray tan, and a frightening toy bear who loves sweets.  Billy Wizard is a skinny old man drawing who has a dog who has laser eyes. April is a regular human female whom I do not know. The bear is stuffed with fiberglass. The child is a show stopper.

Hey! Did you see that movie the Wrestler?  Yeah me too.  It wasn’t as good as that cartoon back in the 80’s that had Hulk Hogan and all his friends on the good guys team and then on the bad guys team was the Iron Sheik and all his guys.  That’s pretty much all I remember about that cartoon.  It’s more that I can remember about that movie.  I was never into wrestling except for in the 80s’s.  I think it was because my Mom hated it that I wanted to watch it.  I think every kid goes through that where you want to be into something if your mom hates it.  It’s weird though because she hated Michael Jackson and I also hated Michael Jackson.  My sister had one of those red thriller jackets though.  That was kind of cool and funny all at once.  I wish she knew how to breakdance really good.  Then we could have had all these crazy picture of at her dance recitals doing that turtle spin or whatever those poppers and lockers can do. I hated Michael Jackson so much.

One day there was practically a riot in 3rd grade.  Some of the kids were on the Joan Jett “I love Rock and Roll” team and then the others were on the Michael Jackson “Beat It” team.  We had a record player in class and everyone was scratching records and switching then and yelling.  Then I remember running up to the blackboard and tearing this girl’s Michael Jackson poster down.  I guess it was a pretty expensive poster.  It’s kind of scary what parents can get their kids to believe. 

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It wake up.

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Attention horror movie makers. Enough with the loud noises.  They are a poor replacement for talent. You probably  put those loud noises in there because you know that you are boring the audience, and you don’t want us to doze off for too long, but alarm clocks are only scary at 5:45 AM when you have to get up for work. 

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As a boy I idolized Fonzie from Happy Days.  The Fonz was the coolest guy. He taught me that you can fix things by punching them.  I don’t know how many tvs I fixed by giving them a good punch.  And he would always put his thumbs up and say aaaaayyyy. 

At my first job, I worked with this guy who drove a powder blue ford escort.  He was the kind of guy who played football, but only because his Dad made him.  The kind of guy who would after work open his car door, sit down with his legs hanging out of the car and take his boots off while saying “man my dogs are barking tonight” He was practically another Fonz.

When a Fonzie gives you advice, you listen.  According to Fonzie, you can never trust a woman.

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Pasta Tagliatelle is Black People!?!

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Pants on the ground is a life changing song it helps young people not kill theyselves after seeing Avatar the most saddest movie of our generation, says Billy Wizard who demands retribution for the sins against his people. His retribution comes every weds in the mail and cashed it and says he just got back another teeny tiny piece of his soul from the crippled marine who tricked his people for the man he mostly drinks stuff he calls fire water that he makes in the garage and sometimes dogs get killed when they sneak in and drink it, he says it is because they avatars grown in test tubes yo got to has soooul to be able to drink it or you gonna die. He gives laser dog bong hits. Because he is a real dog and he guards Billy Wizard’s shit from me. I think he thinks it will fix his poor broke down laser.

“Everything has got boobs, even my dad and guys, “exclaims 7 year old Charlie Percheffons, the winner of the October is Breast Awareness Poster Contest for Missouri Area Schools.

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Peace out!

This little known day of celebration gets bat owners and bat lovers alike a chance to celebrate their little flying friends.

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Click to check out the EMToast Year One Retrospective.