ARIES: This is your week to shine dear Aries. Put people in their places and let them know who is top dog. Don’t expect them to like it and be prepared for a few slashed tires.
CAPRICORN: A new job is in your future this week little Cappie. Satan wants you for a minion, before you consider you should really weigh all your options. Don’t rush into anything you might regret, for eternity.
SAGITTARIUS: Your passion for organic hamster farming will soon pay off during a trip to Amish country on Friday. Take charge of your finances and set some goals this week.
SCORPIO: Dear little Scorpie the state of the economy has you stressing out, immerse yourself in a hobby to take your mind off these troubled times. Goat milking and realistic marzipan baby sculpting might help.
LIBRA: If you invite Glenn Campbell over for Cheese Nips on Wednesday, don’t be surprised if he shows up. Your addiction to Chantix will come in handy when you apply for a job with the psychic friends network. Make sure that you give Dionne Warwick in depth descriptions of all your crazy Chantix dreams.
CANCER: Avoid trying on any hats while shopping this week; otherwise a nasty case of athlete’s foot on your scalp is in your future. Don’t bother trying too hard at anything on Thursday, the more effort you put forth the more horribly you will fail so save yourself the trouble. Stay home from work, kick back and watch Hogan’s Heroes and research how to protect your home from a raptor attack.
PISCES: Don’t bother voting on Tuesday you’re only one person and one vote, and finding the time to vote means less time for you spent at www.warriorcats.com
GEMINI: You will be overcome with guilt on Sunday after your friend with the cleft palate commits suicide because she wasn’t accepted on hotenough.org, the dating site that she signed up for at your suggestion. Do whatever you want this week, you’re going to hell anyway.
TAURUS: Starting a nasty rumor about yourself can be fun.
Your boss’s discovery of your high functioning work ethic despite the fact that you suffer from the co morbid existence of schizophrenia and cocaine abuse, just might just get you a pity raise.
LEO: That’s right little Leo your GED is worthless, you need a Bachelor’s Degree to get a job at McDonalds. On Thursday don’t throw away the adult education program flyer, like you do every other week.
VIRGO: You will find out Tuesday that a slathering of tiger balm is not an effective method of birth control. Don’t make any hasty decisions on Thursday and maybe you won’t have to watch your kid grow up to be an asshole.
AQUARIUS: Remember that night that you worked really late 3 months ago and the janitor turned off all the lights and you were too afraid to go to the bathroom in the dark? Well that Snapple bottle full of piss in the bottom drawer of your desk is going to come in handy on Friday when someone takes your parking space.
- Horrorscopes for the Week of September 22nd
- Horrorscopes for the Week of September 27th
- Horrorscopes for the Week of October 19th