Horrorscopes for the Week of October 5th

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  • Aries You are probably going to be gored by a ram, for your competitive arrogance. You will be asking yourself some questions this week like What can you find in parade? What can you find a rave? What can be drunk in a dream? What the hell is a Tchaparian?

  • Taurus On Friday you will meet someone, perhaps a bullfighter. Beware of this person; they are going to be very possessive and expect complete loyalty from you in your brief encounter. Don’t fight dirty, don’t bite them in the face.
  • Gemini Don’t go traveling this week, you will forget where you came from. Two people will pique your curiosity this week, you should be concerned with information they may be able to provide you. Everyone knows Monday night means wrestling.
  • Cancer Be very cautious this week when it comes to all things family and domestic. You would do better with imports this week, crack open a Heineken and throw on the Gorillaz ‘kids with guns’ Hotchip remix.
  • Leo Money will change hands this week from whose to whose is still unclear. You will encounter a jack your body loser in a grocery store on Wednesday while picking up some kraft dinner.
  • Virgo Your prudish ways will be cause for concern this week. Be careful not to drop any babies this week. On Thursday you will discover that the joy of repetition really is in you.
  • Libra Your keen analytical skills will come in handy this week. You will find yourself saying we caught the fire but the body escaped. Go with the flow. On Saturday you will be looking for a face to attack. You should look into getting a Peugeot with a kick ass soundsystem to crank some Yo La Tengo.
  • Scorpio Sarcastic vengeance will be your style this week. You should count your pocket change On Wednesday, you might be able to get a Large coffee. Whistle for Will, he will appreciate it.
  • Sagittarius There are holes in what you do. Keep your dual-nature in check on Friday or it could lead to something bestial. It’s time to go shopping, your jeans don’t work no more, remember when you said I’m going to wear them till my jeans don’t work no more.
  • Capricorn Your fatalistic approach will not be appreciated this week. Make your neurosis work for you on Tuesday. Your only weapon is your pen but you traded it for your hand, that was not a smart move.
  • Aquarius You will be cursing your connections to civilization this week. On Thursday don’t be overly concerned with science. On Saturday you will find yourself saying, my only lesson was in my brains. You are in the market for some toys, perhaps a monkey with miniature cymbals.
  • Pisces You are known to take on the behaviors or others, be careful this week because that could get you into some trouble with the FBI. Throw out your entire wardrobe for a more versatile look. The outside world’s not safe, you should sit down and read all the time. On Saturday you will go hunting and eat what you slaughter.

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7 thoughts on “Horrorscopes for the Week of October 5th

  1. is it enough if I listen to YLT-Black Flowers in my Honda? I can’t afford a Puegot in todays economic miasma.

  2. I’m in no fit state to be blazing out yo la tengo or anything else if my car speakers keep cutting out dammit.

    I’m looking for a lucky leo tomorrow, maybe i can get some money to change into my hands.

  3. What is that baby plotting anyway? Sarcastic vengeance I bet. Look how it’s rubbing it’s hands together. It’s ready to let out a Mwahahaha

  4. you need to get you a dirty hot pink mini boombox cassette player and play a shitty old wings cassette ,that you found in a parking lot, in it over and over and over and throw in a “yeah” after every line. oh yeah and stack up thousands of pieces of paper and coffee stained napkins all around it. That would make you a big dawg

  5. You have to rig together a special plug for that pink boombox so you can wire it directly into your car ignition or else it’s not considered a car stereo. You also have to use masking tape to fix up the antenna.

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