Horrorscopes for the Week of September 27th

ARIES- People are going to hate your guts this week, and it might have something to do with the things hovering around Uranus. This week will prove to be lonely; you may as well be living in a crater on the moon. Take heart and buck up little Aries. Don’t take your love to town just yet, unless you plan on checking driver’s licenses. Be on the look out for people who are not what they say they are and dogs that eat lipgloss.

TAURUS- A bad case of schistosomiasi has you wanting more out of life. On Thursday make the most of your situation; think about a collaboration of some kind with your parasitic blood buddies. A symbiotic relationship where you can both benefit could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, so live it up X-files style. Take precautions so that you don’t get a case of pubic lizards to go with that schistosomiasi.

GEMINI- Something is in retrograde this week and it just might be your luck. Beware of flaming genitals somewhere around the 30^th. It would be in your best interest to stay home this week and do some thinking. Even though you’re in astrological quarantine it doesn’t mean you can’t call up Dominoes and befriend the delivery guy. As everything around you takes a turn for the worse you might be heard saying, “Goddamn that fucking retrograding mercury.”

CANCER- A communication break down will occur this week. My dear crustacean, make sure that you are nowhere to be found on Friday. The stars will be working their magic on the 2^nd, do not decline a white rice pedicure from a homeless man or you will throw everything off kilter. Perhaps you should buy some scratch offs this week, or maybe not, either way it just doesn’t matter. You will discover a snake washing baby.

LEO- Little lion, you will get the chance to show off your skills this week, unfortunately they will be sub-par. You will play Wizards of War on Tuesday and suffer a seizure. Your third house is totally screwed up from Mercury’s retrograde so keep your trap shut , because nobody wants to hear your mouth. Just remember, keep your thumbs up buddy. You will try to trick someone into accepting baby hedgehogs as currency, it works.

VIRGO- Don’t go making plans for Michaelmas that you have no intentions of keeping. Free drink syndrome will have you feeling down this week. You should try a British accent on Wednesday, it might just get you somewhere. You will have an opportunity to try out the Heimlich maneuver, even if it is unwarranted. Bring an extra pair of pants with you on Saturday, they will come in handy. You will end up apologizing for something this week

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LIBRA- Don’t let the situation at hand dictate your future. If you own a dog, now is the time when he will reveal he is converting to Judaism. On Wednesday you will degrade a ninja and pay the consequences. This is the time to shine in the entertainment industry, all those drunken nights of karaoke embarrassing yourself in front of tens of fifteens of people have not been in vain.

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SCORPIO- Dear little Scorpio, your carnivorous arthropod nature will surface this week, try not to scare too many people. Now is the time to get rid of all that porn you’ve been hording on your computer. On Thursday you will discover a secret level in something you’ve been playing at for many years. Your dreams will be plagued by space cat,  pay attention he is telling you something important.

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CAPRICORN- Get out there and do something this week, switch things up a little. Think about trading in Halo for some Mortal Kombat this week. You will become an expert in something on Friday, but only in your own mind. Watch out for gossipers this week, they want to get the dirt on you. You should probably quit smoking this week, it has gotten way out of hand.

SAGITARIUS- Your guts are churning on Monday is it that rancid Kung-Pow you had over the weekend, or is it your conscience? Let it all out dear Sagittarius, you really have no choice in the matter so just go with the flow. This week is not the time to be starting up new things, it’s not the time to be finishing up old things either. Now is the time to sit and do nothing. Beware of werewolf contact wearing celebrities bearing gifts of  herpes this week.

AQUARIUS- Matt Damon has nothing on you this week. Don’t let your daydreaming trip you up in the office this week. The possibility of getting carjacked this week is great, you might want to think about mass transit starting on Wednesday. A sever groping at the back of a bus is in your future. Make sure you keep your pockets filled with kittens on Friday.

PISCES- Dear little fishy you will find it easy to be with people this week, and that’s not just because the people you surround yourself with are easy. Tell yourself you are a winner and you will start believing it soon enough. Attend a sporting event this Tuesday, you will start a trend when you shout “ Show us your skeleton!” from the stands.