Horrorscopes for the Week of September 22nd

Aries You’re feeling lucky this week, well, you are not. Black tie events are in your future, don’t screw it up. Beware of large dogs bearing gifts on Friday. A chance meeting with a Scorpio will have you in a rage on the 27th.  Stay away from psychic vampires this week.

Cancer The person you have latched onto as your meal ticket will be exiting the picture. Fear not dear Cancer, with some misinformation you could find yourself on easy street again. By mid week the voices in your head  will be very persuasive, heed their advice on the 25th. A dark family secret will rear it’s transgendered head by Friday.

Taurus If you’re not careful those dust bunnies you’ve been ignoring for so long under the bed will prove to fatal. Clear out the dark corners in your life on the 23rd. Thursday will be an adventure and introduction to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The yellow pages will reveal the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for some time.

Gemini This week could be the best you’ve had in years, full of romance, fortune and wonders, it could also be the worst week of your life thus far. Stay flexible and be prepared for anything that comes your way. Remember a positive attitude can only take you so far, Pharmaceuticals can  take you the rest of the way.

Leo You will learn a valuable lesson on Wednesday, you should probably write it down.  Corn dogs have no place in your life this week. Pay attention to your dreams on the 27th. It would serve you well to read up on the Hanta Virus. Perhaps you and Taurus should pool your resources and hire a cleaning lady.

Virgo Your body is trying to tell you something this week, On Wednesday  you had better listen or pay the consequences.  An encounter with an old friend on the 22nd  will leave you with a sour taste in your mouth, it’s thrush. The rest of the week will be smooth sailing for your Sims characters.

Libra Touch base with friends on Monday, but be careful not to touch their bases, they may take it the wrong way. You will find what you have been seeking this week. An old man will call you Sonny Jim on Friday, let him, it will prove to be profitable. Your attempts at astral projection will leave you stranded on another plane.

Scorpio Your fear of plushies, will no longer be unfounded. Now is the time to break out that bear mace you’ve been hanging on to. Do not mince words on Thursday or you will find yourself in hot water with the powers that be. You will make a connection between two unrelated incidents, this will prove to be embarrassing on a large scale.  A foreign gentleman will ask you where the bathrooms are, do not mislead him or you will pay the price.

Sagittarius The planetary alignment suggests that you dear Sagittarius are in for some exciting news. Electrolysis on Wednesday will prove to be a wise investment on Friday. Take time this week to think about the things that you think are important to you, they really aren’t.  Go ahead and play the lottery this week, you won’t win.

Capricorn You will find something that does not belong to you this week. It would be in your favor to keep this a secret for 7 years. You should not remain complacent this week in any aspect of your life. If you see something you want, take it. Beware of people who say they aren’t cops.

Aquarius Start planning a trip on Tuesday, but stay away from the water. You will have an overwhelming urge to do good this week, deny this as best you can. Yield to your desires and you will be trampled, to death. Seek advice from your cat this week and it will be smooth sailing. Be cautious of oranges on Saturday.

Pisces Jupiter’s alignments suggest that it would serve you well to stay away from drinking establishments this week, and dancers with dirty feet. You will be in for a surprise on Thursday, it’s nothing wd-40 and $700 can’t fix. This week is the perfect time to start a project, just don’t expect to finish it. If you are not careful a bowel resection is in your future.