Here is a recent picture of me. This is what I look like now.

Curling Tongue Whiskey

Dear Mom and Dad,

As you know, I moved far away.  The town I live in now doesn’t have duck sauce. Last week I had to put ketchup on my eggroll just to get it down.  I am considering moving even further away.  To quote the guy who wanted to kill Keanu Reaves in that movie Dracula “Oceans of time will keep us apart.”

I’m hoping to come back for the holidays next year.  I know I keep saying that but I keep having to spend the money on Christmas presents for myself every year since I don’t even have a brother and I never have enough money for the tickets.  Even the one time when you sent me the money for a ticket I still really wanted to get my teeth whitened professionally so I had to do that instead.  You wouldn’t want to see me with yellow teeth anyway.  I mean what kind of last memory of me would that be? I don’t want you thinking of me that way on your deathbed.  Your last memory of me should be of what I looked like 10 years ago.

Life is tough.  I never know if I will make it through the day, much less another year.  Today I was so tensed up a work, my shoulder locked up and I was banging it against the walls like that scene in Lethal Weapon from when Mel Gibson was still cool. I guess everybody was a lot cooler 25 years ago than they were now.  Look at you guys.  25 years ago you were still hip hopping and happening.  Now it’s all Kashi this and salmon that.  I tried that crap, but my shoulder really started tensing up every time I chewed.  The damn thing would lock up and I’d have to go get a bacon egg and croissant with ketchup.  I really would use duck sauce, but as I stated previously this place does not have it.

Here is a recent picture of me.  This is what I look like now.

Wrinkles From Anger

Good evening, good day, and good morning.  Tell my sister hi if you see her.  I heard she comes by every now and again to change the bed pans.  Is that really what you’re really into nowadays?  I just don’t get it.  She doesn’t talk to me anymore ever since she found out I tried killing her because she wasn’t even a brother.  You know brothers can carry you and you can steal their girlfriends and do burnouts in their blue Camaro at midnight in front of the clock tower.  Sisters just screech all the time and it goes right through you.

One guy at work actually tricked his sister into getting a sex change, but she still liked guys so he couldn’t even steal her girlfriend like he planned.  I don’t get why he doesn’t just go on that dating site ebay like all the other guys do, but who am I to judge?

My girl is great.  She hardly ever yells anymore ever since she gave up. She usually goes to bed around 7 so I see her for around 10 or 15 minutes every night after work.  That’s about all I can take anyway.

I’m thinking of quitting again.  I am tired of the stress of getting up every day and trying to keep my shoulder from locking up every damn time they want me to do all that paperwork in that place.  I don’t know why the even hired me because when they asked me what motivated me I told them “girls” in the interview but they thought it was honest.  I am feeling reckless Mom and Dad.  I just might come visit.  How much money did you guys save up over the years anyway.  If it’s a lot, then I love you so much.  Hope to hear back from you soon. If you can send me the cash for another ticket I promise I’ll try not to spend it.  Maybe it you send 2 or 4 thousand dollars I’ll be able to make it.

Best Regards,


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