Day 1: I woke up this morning to the sound of birds pecking inside of my walls, which was creepy, then a few hours later I heard them in the crawl space, that was creepier. It sounds like I have wall chickens.
Day 2: It’s 3:15 a.m. I got about a whole hour of sleep then something started yodeling outside and woke me up and something fell on the roof, now all I hear is a faint tapping coming from the bedroom walls, I’m going to pretend its not satan or some demonic presence, and that there really is such a thing as wall chickens, that peck in their sleep.
Day 3: The pecking stopped last night, but then I saw a glowing yellow eye staring at me though the crack in the wall. The chickens were peeping on me or maybe it was a satan. Still can’t sleep.
Day 4: I was planning to get away for a few days and try to get some sleep. The wall chickens are onto me. One by one they are moving from behind the walls to under my skin. Their beaks keep bubbling up on the side of my one leg. If I slap them down, they quiet down for a while. I better stay home.
Day 5: Wall chickens are migrating towards my heart. I think I have wall cats now too. I keep finding kitty litter and cat shit right below the crack where the chickens used to live. Cats are quiet so it’s hard to tell how many are in there.
Day 6: I went to the Doctor today for a check up. I didn’t tell him I have wall chickens in my heart. I wanted to see if he could figure it out. I didn’t give him any clues and he didn’t find anything wrong. Last night my heart stopped for 13 minutes straight so I think I need a new doctor.
Day 7: Wall chickens started laying eggs in my aorta now. I don’t have long to live, and I still can’t sleep. I like the wall cats though. They are low maintenance.
Day 8: Wall chickens in my heart and I can’t sleep. Now the wall cats pissed all over my pillows. Tomorrow I’ll get some nine lives. Maybe I can win the cats over.
Day 9: The cats and I started eating chicken friskies. Pretty good stuff. The chickens were pissed. Too bad, get out of my heart.
Day 10: The friskies diet worked. The wall chickens went back into the wall, and it turns out I only had one wall cat, but it was a kitten. Now that wall kitten lives in my heart, but I still hear that goddamn scritching all night. I’m never going to sleep again.
- Singing Doctor Cures Insomnia And Other Tales
- Economic or Cruel? Pet Food Alternatives Under Fire
- Ass Dragging Werewolf Leads Pack of Chickens