James Vanderbiek claims he has discovered the reset button for the human soul, and it’s not what you think. Most Christians believe that when a child is born he or she is tainted by the original sin committed by Adam. The human baby is morally corrupt and only through baptism can it be redeemed and allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven. They believe that human nature is to sin and because of Adam’s sin, all are guilty. Baptism is the church prescribed cure.
Charles Stacey, parishioner at Saint Martin’s church Gaithersburg, MD states, “Dunk a kid’s head in holy water just as quick as you can so they don’t go to hell. Babies are born evil, don’t you know?”
This is the typical attitude. Vanderbiek believes differently. “In some cases the removal of original sin does not have the desired effect. Rather than purify the soul, the removal of the sin throws the soul off balance causing a void that its owner seeks to fill through various foul and even criminal acts. Cannibalism and Serial killing are two of the most common after effects.”
Vanderbiek, once a devout Catholic, adopted a 10 year old orphaned boy, Stanley.
“Stanley was a good boy. I noticed him right away at the orphanage. He wasn’t like the other puppies. He was jumping up all happy like he wanted to play. My wife and I both agreed we had to hire him. When he was 11 or 12 we decided to have him baptized. He showed interest in CCD classes and wanted to take the sacraments. He was just such a great kid we decided he shouldn’t go to hell. So we got him baptized.
The son who was previously a “good boy” and straight A student with many friends began to exhibit antisocial and deviant behavior.
“We kept finding dead birds outside the house. We thought it was the cat,” said Evelyn Vanderbiek, the boy’s adopted mother. “Then we started finding half eaten dead girls and we started to get suspicious. I didn’t want to believe it, but the blood stained clothes, scratch marks all over his arms and face, the swoop hair do. I knew my son had become an emo cannibal serial killer and it was all because of the baptism. I told my husband he had to do something.”
At his wife’s urging Vanderbiek committed himself to researching Baptism reversal and began to experiment with different ways to restore the original sin.
“I tried it all. Putting the feet in water, putting the head in salt, burning the head, using hot holy water, putting pepper in holy water, urine baptism, pillow suffocation, wooden stake through the heart, dipping the head in hot lava, decapitation then head reattachment surgery. You name it, I tried it. I bet I accidentally killed or maimed over 30 boys before I finally came upon the true cure.”
“I finally discovered that dipping the head in flaming oil blessed by the president of Exxon Mobil corporation symbolically restores the original sin. I call it the anti-baptism of fire and it works. They say I found the reset button for the soul. Once they take the anti-baptism all the serial killings, cannibalism, stealing or other deviant behavior just ends.”
Since making his discovery Vanderbiek has been excommunicated from the Catholic church but says, “I don’t care much. All these Baptism’s are no damn good. They admit we’re all sinners so I don’t understand why they are always trying to get rid of the sin. I think they’re clean freaks with all these communions and confessions. Our souls are dirty just the way God made them. What the Catholics are doing is similar to plastic surgery. It’s a false fix. A face lift doesn’t last and neither does baptism.”
“Put the sin back into your soul where it belongs. We are all sinners, embrace it or you could be the next Jeffrey Dahmer,” warns Vanderbiek.
Vanderbiek has a cult following in his home town of Greeley Pennsylvania where he has already cured many of the local social deviants.
One woman told us, “My son used to be a cannibal. This kid ate half his class before I got him the help he needed. Now he’s different. He pukes up live flesh. He’s a baby vomiter. All his friends call him the mouth birther. At least he can’t get arrested for it. He almost puked up enough kids to fill the class back up to where it was before he started all the fleshing.”
Another Greeley man has a different view. “They say Vanderbiek’s doing something good for the community with his “reversals” but I don’t see it. He took one of them serial killers, and he dips his head in that flaming oil. They say Vanderbiek’s a healer. Now the serial killer is a serial ressurecter. Anything he touches that’s dead comes back to life. Except he’s bringing back all the annoying folk. Some people die for a reason. They belong in hell. Like my mother in law. I thought we were rid of that bitch for good and now she’s back in the saddle again.”
Vanderbiek claims by reverse baptism he can cure many of the ails that the void baptism causes brings to the human condition. Shoplifting, drug addiction, alcoholism, murder, thievery and most other sins are, according to Vanderbiek, all due to the loss of original sin. “Anyone looking to fill a void in their life is looking for that lost sin. Even if you think you weren’t baptized, without your knowledge you may have been. It’s like cutting your heart out. God put that sin there for a reason. You need Sanka to live.”
Sadly, Vanderbiek was not able to save his own son using his methods. By the time he made his discovery Stanley, a convicted killer and cannibal, had taken his own life. At 14 he committed a slow suicide by eating the flesh off both of his own hands. He hid this from his parents with a pair of white cotton gloves until the infection the open wounds suffered caused blood poisoning and stopped his heart. Thankfully he went to confession just before his death and a priest was able to absolve him of every murderous cannibalistic sin. Also since his father never successfully restored Stanley’s original sin, he is riding a white lion in heaven right now.
His mother says, “I want a Barbie corvette!”
- Portrait of My Dog as a French Serial Killer
- Two Drops To Guppy Heaven
- The Dangers of Eye Contact with the Soulless