Alexander Hamilton Lives Up the Street from Me
Alexander Hamilton, our beak nosed fifth president and designer of the 10 dollar bill lives right up the street from me. It’s kind of weird because I live in the 20th century and he died like 300 years ago.
But I hear he gets by alright. He lives with his mom, sells antiques for extra cash, and mainly eats boiled cabbage. Most of the food he gets comes from the dumpster behind the farmer’s market. Meat costs money so he’s a vegetarian.
He never eats sugar because the white stuff burns our your endocrine system. Somehow he still managed to acquire a rotten tooth that looks like it has pepper in it though. The tooth will never be fixed because he refuses to have health insurance which is only for the rich.
He also refuse to pay taxes or have a job because he will not be a tool. He says when he is old, he will be a charity case for the state because he has no money. Anyone who does have a job or money is expected to pay his way because they have it easy, even though he has self imposed poverty.
He has no need to endure the trauma of showers because every 30 days his body renews itself. The dead skin sloughs itself off and his hair is no longer oily – a trick he learned from Ben Franklin. He states, “I’m very comfortable with my own body odor.”
Since he doesn’t use his shower, he allows his cat to shit in it instead of giving it a litter box. He says “the cat aims it’s pee right down the drain and leaves its crap like a neat little pack of sausages.”
He’s had the same car for 16 years and has never changed the oil, tires, or brakes. Only his sheer force of will keeps the machine from rattling apart. No mechanic will even walk past the car for fear of a lawsuit.
He waterproofed his basement by lining it with old shopping bags and rocks. He urinates in mason jars and leaves them down there for his sons to find centuries later.
A favorite Sunday dish at the Hamilton homestead is fried groundhog with maggot larvae. Every year they capture a lucky rodent, torture it for 3 days to tenderize, then drown it in a mud puddle, and stab it with sticks. Then they feast on it’s shoulder meat. This years hog had “shoulders like a hero.”
He likes to wear women’s skirts because gender is an illusion, a concept generated by society to perpetuate their consumerist attitude.
Even though he’s well over 300 years old, he refuses to have any friend over the age of 25 because it makes him feel young. Having young friends keeps him up to date with the latest 80’s fashions and songs like Outkast’s Hey Ya! and Queens of the Stone Age because he does not listen to main stream music.
He forces himself to listen to horrible music that even he doesn’t like because he will not conform to mainstream society, the same one that he expects to take care of him when he’s old.
I guess you could have worse neighbors.
TO each their own. I think Snapple Bottles work better. Such drastic differences between generations.
Snapple bottles don’t have large enough capacity for Hamilton’s 300 year old plus size bladder.
I was never aware that Alexander Hamilton liked to wear women’s skirts. That is not in the history books.
I’m guessing it’s a new habit.
“designer of the 10 dollar bill”?
There werent any ten dollar bills till the early 20th century, and Hamilton was no artist!
This article is obviously fraudulent!
I will no longer trust EMTOAST for my information needs and research projects.
Why else would he be on the 10 dollar bill?
I’m related to Alexander Hamilton. True story.
Does he visit on holidays?
Thomas Jefferson is way cooler. I gave him a dollar on Market street in San Francisco. I also bought him dinner at Burger King. He’s very young for his age, and he introduced me to his great great great great great great great grand daughter. She’s totally foxy and now we’re an item.
I love American history!
Congrats bro. Does she let you wear great great great great grandpas wig?
Naw. He traded that old thing in for an Oakland As cap long ago.
BTW, maggots are fly larvae.
Uh huh.
…and why does he eat ground hog if he’s a vegetarian?
WTF?!
He had a grudge against that groundhog. I think he watched caddyshack too many times. Plus groundhog meat is free. He’s a vegetarian because meat costs money.
alexander hamilton also kills all the house pets in SIMS and stores them in the freezer to eat when he runs out of money because he can never wake up on time to meet that shitty car out front that takes him to his job at the newspaper
I met FDR and Tojo at Central park. They asked me for spare change, but I paid them to fight,
Tojo dumped FDR out of his wheel chair and kicked the living shit out of him!
Best $40 I ever spent!
Tojo like careless president
Ah, so!
Tojo finary make monkey out of FDR.
Sun lises again.
World under Japanese roof.
Me rikey!!
Abraham Licoln propositioned me in a men’s room.
Some black guys over heard and beat the crap out of him after I left.
True story.
This is deteriorating quickly in a bad direction.
I saw Hamilton lipsynk “Funkytown” on youtube.
The motherfucker actually has rythym, and some awesome moves.
These are the principals that made America great!
Hamilton would do this shit. I once saw him throw down a piece of dirty cardboard and start breakdancing right in the middle of my college parking lot. That boy can spin.
he can pop it and lock it like nobodies business. he’s all dropping it low and doing the worm
Yeah man. Like a top.
WORD.
Alexander Hamilton was never President of the United States. James Monroe was our 5th President.
That’s the problem with fiction. Many times times it consists of things are are made up. He may never have been president, but Hamilton does live up the street and he did design the ten dollar bill.