We’ve all seen these workplace voodoo kits, they show up at Christmas parties and birthdays, and everyone gets a laugh and pretends that it’s funny and they pretend that they  don’t really want to kill their boss.

Well, Fuck that shit!

I wanted to find out what would happen if you got some bonifide voodoo  going on in the work place.

So I did some research on Hoodoo, Obeah, Voodoun, Palo myombe, Santeria and the like.

It really is some fascinating stuff.

Then I found the self-proclaimed world’s largest supplier and manufacturer of occult and mystical products.

I perused the pages of the catalog and I went to work  ordering my tools of smite, or culturally anthropological researchical items, whatever you want to call it. I went straight for the big guns, Holy Death Oil,  Run Devil Run Alter candles, and a whole slew of Seven African Powers shit and all kinds of toxic herbs that probably aren’t legal under their real names, everything is legal in Spanish though.

This company is so seedy that my credit card company called me and told me that they had a fraudulent charge on my account and canceled my order.  For a moment I thought maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be tampering with the dark arts, but then I thought of zombies and all the cool shit I saw and I said hell no, if what I read is true that just means my enemies are working against me and trying to prevent me from gaining the upper hand, I am going to get me some voodoo if I have to petition every orisha on the seven African powers candle to do it! So after a few phone calls with people that had some really crazy accents I could not quite place and a valley girl, my order is on it’s way. I think the valley girl must have been their zombie slave,


She didn’t seem to fit in at all, I bet she pissed off a hougan in a Starbucks and is doomed to be their slave forever and ever and ever, filling orders of alligator feet, devil nuts, and anointing oils. Oh well, sucks to be her.

I am  giddy with anticipation.

Giddy

I check the  UPS site everyday tracking the progress. The slow, slow progress, like that rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem to be borns yo.

It is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. By tomorrow night I will be dressing my Seven African Powers and Run Devil Run candles and petitioning Chango to do some interceding and let the fun begin.

What else are you going to do on a weeknight?

Now I realize that this  sticker

could actually apply to many types of folk magic because there are a whole lot of jesus candles involved in this stuff and sometimes you have to talk to jesus to get stuff done and it’s all about 3s for the holy trinity.

I bet some rootworker stole my first one. Now those bitches have to scratch at my window like a cat at the door trapped in a snowstorm because I taped it to the inside. Ha, you will have to break my window this time assholes.

They really do have some fine products at clango.org

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9 thoughts on “Adventures in Voodou

  1. Dammit I thought I had a 7 African Powers Candle and it turns out all I have is the Most Powerful Helping Hand.

    Do they have any headshrinking powder? I’d like to sprinkle that shit on a couple people. It would be funny if you got some love roots and started making all oddly matched couples fall in love like a ninja and a bathroom runner.

  2. Last night at dinner we saw this oddly matched couple eating at the table next to us. They guy was all spindly and clean cut and extra friendly to the wait staff. He kept asking what they recommended then telling them how great it was later. He was an argyle sock wearer and a member of the tight business pants club. The chick he was with was also a professional, not the streetwalking kind, at least I don’t think so. She was going on about how she sacrificed so much in her life and was making her face look like it was going to squirt tears. Like she sacrificed it all for her career. And the guy was going right along with it. He may have just been trying to get some action, but I think maybe she found a couple pieces of his hair on the office floor, burned them up and snorted them to make him fall in love with her.

  3. I bet.
    I think she would actually have to get him to ingest her hairs for that kind of trick to work. Those kinds of tricks usually incorporate bodily effluvia such as semen and vaginal secretions I guess hair could work just as well., especially a pube, That whole Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill sexual harassment thing went down like that.

    Hill alleged that Thomas had harassed her by claiming to have found a pubic hair on an unopened can of Coke in their office.

    As a sexual harassment charge, the pube hair on a Coke seemed freaktastically bizarre but since both parties were African American some say that it seemed obvious that Thomas was accusing Hill of trying to hoodoo him with a very common love spell which would involve her passing an unopened drink can or bottle between her legs and rubbing it on her peeper. That shit is dangerous down there, voodoo vagina dente.
    I read that some women will go so far as to “dress” thier own vajajays, so that when a man enters, she can hoodoo his nature and make him hers forever and if they break up and she does not undo the trick he will be doomed to a life of withered peepee if he does not realize that she has hoodooed his nature and take the necessary actions to undo it. supposedly you can piss on a red ants nest or on a knife blade and let it run off and then you will have your shit restorified. See bitches are evil. In many cultures young men are told never to eat or drink dark liquids from an unmarried woman because she can make him hers by adding some of her menses or other bodily fluids to red sauces, coffee, red wine, and then he will be fucked.
    But he can turn the trick back on a bitch by stopping up her fluids in a bottle and burying it in the ground or hiding it in the crook of a tree. It will stop up her organs and she will die.
    I think this is the real reason behind so many unexplained cases of the pussy whipped. I mean how else would you explain a bitch being mean and nasty and hideous inside and out and their guy chops off his nuts and puts them in her purse and raises all 23 of her kids from 12 other men and works his ass off all day and she sits home on the couch while she teaches the little ones to hose her down so that she doesn’t have to miss her stories on TV for a shower and then comes home and cooks them all Kraft dinner and sits home watching army wives with her and massages Crisco oil into her hump every night.
    That is why that shit does not go in your mouth, the sweet baby Jesus made it seem like a disgusting monthly massacred horror show for a reason.

  4. Maybe that’s why that one guy we know is so disgusted by the idea of even the smallest hair being in his food. Puke Puke Puke

  5. no that’s because of a lasagna that was made in front of an industrial fan that blew tufts of dog hair into it, and then when it was served it was like matted tufts of dog hair encased in lasagna.

  6. I use voodoo spells and charms to get rich people to perform sexual acts with office furnature. I take pictures and then I blackmail them.
    I have my own private jet and I have no skills or a job!
    Voodoo be da shit!
    (I call it Doodoo!!)

      1. That job is already done, try hopefully making their insides rot out. That’s funny shit.

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