Adventures in Voodou
We’ve all seen these workplace voodoo kits, they show up at Christmas parties and birthdays, and everyone gets a laugh and pretends that it’s funny and they pretend that they don’t really want to kill their boss.
Well, Fuck that shit!
I wanted to find out what would happen if you got some bonifide voodoo going on in the work place.
So I did some research on Hoodoo, Obeah, Voodoun, Palo myombe, Santeria and the like.
It really is some fascinating stuff.
Then I found the self-proclaimed world’s largest supplier and manufacturer of occult and mystical products.
I perused the pages of the catalog and I went to work ordering my tools of smite, or culturally anthropological researchical items, whatever you want to call it. I went straight for the big guns, Holy Death Oil, Run Devil Run Alter candles, and a whole slew of Seven African Powers shit and all kinds of toxic herbs that probably aren’t legal under their real names, everything is legal in Spanish though.
This company is so seedy that my credit card company called me and told me that they had a fraudulent charge on my account and canceled my order. For a moment I thought maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be tampering with the dark arts, but then I thought of zombies and all the cool shit I saw and I said hell no, if what I read is true that just means my enemies are working against me and trying to prevent me from gaining the upper hand, I am going to get me some voodoo if I have to petition every orisha on the seven African powers candle to do it! So after a few phone calls with people that had some really crazy accents I could not quite place and a valley girl, my order is on it’s way. I think the valley girl must have been their zombie slave,
She didn’t seem to fit in at all, I bet she pissed off a hougan in a Starbucks and is doomed to be their slave forever and ever and ever, filling orders of alligator feet, devil nuts, and anointing oils. Oh well, sucks to be her.
I am giddy with anticipation.
I check the UPS site everyday tracking the progress. The slow, slow progress, like that rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem to be borns yo.
It is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. By tomorrow night I will be dressing my Seven African Powers and Run Devil Run candles and petitioning Chango to do some interceding and let the fun begin.
What else are you going to do on a weeknight?
Now I realize that this sticker
could actually apply to many types of folk magic because there are a whole lot of jesus candles involved in this stuff and sometimes you have to talk to jesus to get stuff done and it’s all about 3s for the holy trinity.
I bet some rootworker stole my first one. Now those bitches have to scratch at my window like a cat at the door trapped in a snowstorm because I taped it to the inside. Ha, you will have to break my window this time assholes.
They really do have some fine products at clango.org