Dear Internet,

Sometimes I wish Al Gore never ate that quarter pound of ‘shrooms and invented you. Before you came along, I took pride in and enjoyed being part of little movements and sub-cultures that molded me into the man child I am today. Those are all near extinct thanks to your infinite vaginal squirting of information and easily available tools to create instant cool in the youth of today.

I know this may all sound like bitter old man banter or maybe even elitist, but fuck it. I’m 100% anti-ego and have the self esteem of a sea slug, but I can flaunt that I know my shit. Coming up as a kid with heavy interests in music there was no world wide web for me to turn to and have some pretentious music site or hipster blog fill me in on what’s “now” or whatever trend is fashionable. I had to earn it. No free full musical library downloads to give me immediate cred. It was about actively seeking new labels and artists and taking chances with your limited funds to hopefully stumble upon something fresh. Hopping a bus to the city and scouring record stores for mixtapes and record singles and having a genuine feeling of excitement and that I was part of something. I remember a time when I would meet people and tell them I was into jungle and their face would take on a look of confusion like I just proclaimed that I poo out fountain soda. Now everything is so saturated and forced down your throat even your Nana listens to French electro.

So fuck off internet….and fuck you too you little unoriginal bastard kids running around trying to look dirty and hip but you have on $300 jeans and haircuts from Salon Le’ Douche. If it wasn’t for Al Gore and his insane imagination you would still all be jocks celebrating date rape Saturdays and weekly skater-fag bashings.

I feel better now.

Ciezarney: Secret Language of Our Fathers
Camden Area High Schools Pioneer New Trend in School Curriculum

18 thoughts on “Fuck You Internet.

  1. I bet Al Gore listens to Kidsilver and thinks that shitty song about the birds and breadcrumbs and shit has a real werewolf howling on it and it freaks him out and he runs back inside Tipper’s vagina,and she sings him to sleep with some fleetwood mac.

  2. When you said jungle, they probably though you actually meant music from the jungles of africa.

    I think I disagree with the premise that it’s possible for kids to become cool using the internet. Most of the kids I see walking around these days don’t seem that cool & would have gotten beaten up in a second in the old days. If anything it’s making them less cool. And weak.

    Go out and buy your grandma some krazy baldhead and mr flash. It will go good with the Daft Punk dinner platter you got her last thanksgiving.

  3. I couldn’t agree more with these posts. Social networking has lead to the demise of any traditional social scene.

    I am not a member of any networking sites, nor do I use any sort of navigation or EZ Pass, and to some younger people and other people who have fallen prey to modern society, I am somewhat of a caveman.

    I remember riding my bike three towns over to go to the local record store to buy a cassette as a kid, I used to listen to RUN DMC and the Beastie boys with my bright orange sony walkman riding without a helmet.

    The internet is inseperable with the masses now with cell phones and wifi, people need to pick up a book and physically flip pages instead of clicking a mouse.

  4. If my grandmother was alive, I’d give her a Roni Size or Squarepusher CD and tell her to play it a Bingo and on the bus to AC.

  5. I must give full disclosure of the fact that I’m a total hypocrite. I’m sorry I told you to fuck off, internet. We all know I can’t even go an hour without you. I’m just trying to find the perfect balance of old v.s. new. I cherish good ol’ fashion books but the fact that I own 2 ipods and an iphone lumps me into the huddled constantly connected masses.

    I agree about the orange helmets though. The nation is pussifying the kids and now a teacher can’t even tell some rude little prick to shut his mouth without getting fired.

  6. EZ pass is the first step in the government’s program to prepare the next generation for a lifetime of bigbrother dictating their every move and every thought. Throw that shit out before it’s too late. And tear those magnetic strips out of your money.

  7. there is NO doubt computers and the Internet mean the end of independent thought and privacy, only its not really the government, but the emerging corporate dictatorship.
    i don’t care, call me a crank.
    i know of what i speak.
    i have seen too much.
    i am a test case.
    the first victim.
    rebel while you still have a slim chance!!!!

  8. yeah, the internet is making monkeys of us all. if not for it i’d be doing something constructive, instead of pissing away my time here.

      1. Necrophilia is sick enough, but if you actually ENJOY fucking something that keeps trying to eat your brain, you are SERIOUSLY screwed up!

  9. The internet is scary enough, but I read somewhere that they are working on a chip they will implant in your brain and you can google any subject just by thinking about it.
    Of course rich, powerful people have the inviolable ethics to never dream about abusing that.

  10. Thank God for the internet or I never would have seen midgits and bodybuilders having sex together on horseback.

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